holy shit

a rose needs shit to grow.

that is what i heard as i was washing dishes. washing dishes, according to julia cameron is a right brained, artistic idea. many times i have left my dishes and turned on my computer to jot down something i had to capture. that was not the case today. i tried to ignore it. to shut it out, but there it was. and i began to contemplate it.

could it be God speaking? perhaps.

some would say, no because God isn't vulgar. and i agree. but is shit really vulgar?

once at church, a word was given about an overflowing toilet. we listened to the word and the church responded with applause when it was done. john wimber said, i am surprized you received that word. it was a hard word, one could easily be offended by it.

while i don't want to offend, i don't want to ignore God either. so that is what it came down to for me and the dishes. i finished them. i mulled the word over. i lollygagged over my dictionary and started investigating shit.

here's what i found:

shit: defecate, usually vulgar (no surprize there!)

fertilizer: manure or chemical mixture used to make soil fertile

manure: material that fertilizes land, especially refuse of stables and barnyards consisting of livestock excreta with or without litter. (excreta = fertile)

refuse: unwilling to accept (this reminded me of the offended who are unwilling to receive an offensive word) to show or express unwillingness to do or comply with. give up. renounce. to withhold acceptance (i can just see the offended now), compliance, or permission. the worthless or useless part of something: leavings (but if it were worthless, how could it result in fertility? how could it result in anything of value?). trash, garbage. thrown aside or left as worthless (like we do with the offensive words/people that can't possibly be God/or acting on God's behalf).

excreta: waste matter eliminated or separated from an organism especially excretions.

defecate: free from impurity or corruption. to discharge through the anus. to discharge feces from the bowels.
feces: bodily waste discharged through the anus. excrement.

excrement: waste matter discharged (like so many offensive people/words the church throws aside) from the alimentary canal.

aliment: food, nutrition, sustenance. to give aliment to, nourish, sustain. (the healthy, redemptive aspect of shit, but it could be said fertilizer is also the healthy, redemptive side)

alimentary: of or relating to nourishment or nutrition. furnishing sustenance or maintenance.

alimentary canal: the tubular passage that extends from the mouth to anus and functions in digestion and absorption of food eliminating the residual waste. (it begins at the mouth, wow, i used to think the mouth was noble and the anus ignoble, but where does the ignobility end and the nobility begin?)

residual: of or relating to or constituting residue. leaving a residue that remains in effect for some time.

residue: something that remains after a part is taken, separated or designated: remnant, remainder (a remnant, whoa! this is interesting).

remnant: a usually small part, member or trace remaining. a small surviving group. an unsold or unused end of piece goods. still remaining.


you still with me?

i am impressed if you are. believe me, i didn't want to go there either. but here we are. at a remnant. shit ain't so bad at all. it is just our connotations with that word. that uncomely word. it shuts down the receptivity of an individual, perhaps, and rouses the offendable religious spirit.

i was thinking about the ramifications of this, the way i write and in some way it is both good and bad.

bad in that it can be divisive. but i do believe Jesus, when calling a gentile woman who was asking for healing for her child, a dog operated in a similar fashion. i won't go so far as to say He cussed. but i'm sure it's no sin. it is just how the lower set live. speak. are. would we call Jesus divisive, no. never! but is that accurate? dividing the Word of Truth, the sheep from the goats. there can be some positive aspects to division. dividing the offendable from those who can press through the offense. that is something indeed.

good in that it opens the word i have here to those who are sullied. like me. my righteousness is in and from Christ Jesus, but there is no good thing in me. i cuss. i don't mean to but it is not something that is as discouraging to me anymore as it once was. i was deeply perplexed by it when i first became a Christian and the church was saying, jump through this hoop and roll over, catch this bone. i'm not a trained poodle anymore.

perhaps you don't know this, perhaps you do, but indian larry died a few months back. he is a motorcycle artist, sideshow carney who used to stand up as he rode his motorcycle. he was amazing.

his friends, since his passing, have rallied together to build a memorial cycle which they will auction off to the highest bidder and give the proceeds to indian larry's family.

this moves me deeply. i wept when i heard of this.

i don't see the church by and large doing this. i don't see us rallying together like this to make a way where there is no way. this opinion is based largely on my past four years of dark, dark nights.

when will we function like a body? a true body? a united body? when will we stop being so offended at the look and sound of a man and start seeing beyond that to the heart. what brought that man to where he is at that he could cuss like that or tattoo his body like that, or pierce himself like that?

these are the questions i'd like to hear the church asking.

as for me, i see the shit in my rose word as persecution. the church (or rose) needs to come together and bloom. she cannot do this without the fertilizer (a nice way of saying shit).

the psalm, may the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable to You O, God, my Lord and my Redeemer echo in my mind, even as i write these words. i cry out to Him just as you do for an acceptable expression of what i believe He is saying and doing in these days. then i get a word like this.

the church isn't going to like it one bit Lord, i say.

He doesn't back down.

they won't hear it Lord.

and He reminds me of the samaritan woman at the well. they didn't care too much for her either. but if Jesus was offendable, He wouldn't have gone anywhere near that woman.

i see so many avoiding the unlovely that it troubles me. i do it too. hurt people hurt people, as the saying goes. who needs to be hurt? we do. the church needs to once again become broken bread and poured out wine. we are so focused on being perfect as Christ is perfect, and with good reason. but does that perfection equal looking a certain way, speaking a certain way, and behaving a certain way. i don't think so. that is where i think we miss so much of what the Lord is wanting us to do. (i include myself in this, as i am as reluctant as the next guy to talk to witches and pedophiles. i would rather not, but God would rather i do. tragic as that fact may be.)

i wish the church would stop being so offendable and start to look deeper. be Jesus in this world. it will take you places you never dreamed you'd go. you wil do things, like spit in men's eyes (how offensive is that?), you never thought you'd do.

can we unleash God, or are we too offendable for that? He doesn't want to be boxed in anymore. and He doesn't want us boxed in by the safe, comely walls of the church building.

show off

sometimes God is a show off.

did you wake up this morning?

you can thank God for a little thing called the alignment of the planets, making it possible for us to live and breathe on this rock we call earth.

this rock is none too shabby either, with photosynthesis plants exhale the very substance we inhale. hmm. symbiosis at its best. show off.

did you comprehend what i just wrote?

the little neurons firing away in your brain make it possible to read, comprehend, perhaps laugh at my wit (or lack thereof). and the blinking eyelids keep those balls moist for the intake of characters which form letters, which the brain interprets into readable understandable comprehendable language. God, showing off again.

i know we modern day, evolved highly adapated humans think some great urp in the cosmos made it all happen, but nope, it was God. showing off.

on day, perhaps just like today (except there was nothing, no keyboard, no light, no air, no heavens). God was tired of being (perhaps tired is the wrong word, but you try to find the right word, show off!), alone (although He wasn't really alone was He, He was three and three was He. They lived in perfect harmony.).

He delighted to fashion something wonderful. He considered the horrible things we would do and the cost it would require and still He made us. show off.

and it boggles the mind, my mind that is, that humans think such a magnificent Show off is impotent. powerless. angry. reclining on His otherworldly chaise lobbing lightning bolts at us when we go astray.

i don't think that way.

on the very day of my thirty-fifth, we got a call.

the phone, whose lines run underground and transmit my husband only knows what, emitted a sound which was perceived at first by my ears, then my brain said, go, answer it. so my arm stretched out and thanks to my opposable thumbs, no accident, intentional (God showing off again), i was able to grasp the phone and hold it to my fleshy part which protrudes from the side of my head, cupping sound and drawing it down into the ear canal and reverberating the drums (which were gladly not blown out in early heavy metal head banging days--God preserving my hearing, show off).

i laughed, as i hung up the phone after jotting a message on a pad of cellulose ground from a tree, the same tree which emits what i need to breathe.

my husband's birthday rolls around, the sun is still peaking in the sky, not close enough to fry us (like the holiness of God would if He came too close). and the phone rang. my husband, fully comprehending the complexities of a phonecall reached out and answered it. he laughed.

the job, it seems, was ours. God showing off again. look what I can do, He says. only in retrospect do i begin to realize what a wonderful show off He can be. i am so grateful for His design. for His incomprehensible purpose. even when we try to break it down and comprehend it, we try to box and package Him like Wheaties. we try to mass market Him like Cheerios. He is no commodity, no serf to be ordered about by peons.

He is, and ever will be, a show off.

last of the melancholy

the day before, i wrote this. i sat with an exceptional book i am honored to review (jan winebrenner's the grace of catastrophe) and a kite, tangled, crying out in the wind called to me. i closed the book and here is what i wrote:

a kite
tangled
high
atop
the tree
out of
__reach
longing to be
carried
upon
the wind
grasped
by piercing
fingers
hope
seems
lost
i have
been
abandoned
from where
will
my liberation
come

and
when?


the thing about being in community is this. the poets i now know write with such eloquence, such beauty that it makes me look at my simple verse and as i dust them off and send them out into the world, i wonder if they will find a place in your heart, or if that alone is reserved for the eloquent.

Carry
Me
Away
Gusting
God
Tangled
Terrestrial
I long
To fly
Again
Carry
Me
Away
Fierce
Wind
Let
Me
Soar
Again

we held our breaths until the paperwork was actually in hand, but now, the great relief allows me to tell you the day before is, the day before my husband got a job. hallelujah!

the long dark night is over.

there is a cloud the size of a fist on the horizon, the drought has at long last, ended. i must run and tell the King.

know fear

tutoring this midlife/returning student mom in psychology once, she spoke of fear. she was afraid of something or other.

i told her

find out what the fear is about. if it is something to be genuinely fearful of, say, walking across a shaky bridge over a bubbling volcano, then that fear might be helpful. but if it is just fear that is keeping you from doing something. fear of the unknown, find out what is unknown and do it. press through the fear.

i remembered this conversation as i was mulching my garden on sunday. our culture has taken fear to an entirely new level. it is marketed, mass produced, and freaks us out. this is probably well intentioned by those who seek to profit from said fear.

think about it, in the days long ago, when a fire was the only entertainment and songs were sung, dances were danced. all went to bed and rose with the sun, those were not fearladen days like we have now.

creatures of darkness were not the jasons or the freddy kreugers of our imaginations but lions and tigers and bears. (oh my!) understandable predators in the scheme of things. explainable would be the death of a lone person ravaged by wolves.

but we have taken fear to all new levels. we have a culture permeated with fear.

fear of body sweat and dust mites, allergens and dirty air in our homes. fear is everywhere.

fear was once a necessary fight or flight indicator. now it is a cheap thrill. it has become so distorted that we fear demons making our coffee maker gurgle and our tv static-y.

i am tired of it.

when God said, fear not. i have come to believe that we need to know what the fear is about and reckon with it. our culture pumps us with fearful images and stories, ideas and possibilities and we are locked in fear's tentacles.

what are you afraid of? is it a rational fear? is it a necessary fear, God given, warning you to stay away from the loaded gun your friend is weilding. then heed that fear and take action.

but i think this culture of fear is infecting the church as well. we fear demons, principalities, rulers in high places. and with some reason.

but last time i checked, God was still God. God was still ALL mighty. ALL powerful. ALL sovereign. what are we afraid of then, really? what can demons or principalities do to us that God cannot make work for our good? nothing. no thing. nada. zip.

know what you are afraid of.

know what fear is besetting you.

use fear as a reminder to draw closer to the Living God. He is your refuge and mine. A strong tower. An ever present help in time of need.

look away

i taught a bible study friday night. it was a strangely surreal time. a time when i was wondering if i could clearly convey the heart of God.

i remember one thing i said that strikes me now.

look away.

when noah off loaded the animals, he got completely ripped. he lay naked and passed out.

this is why i love the Bible. no prettying up the characters. no feigning sainthood. just men fumbling around trying to know God.

enter another man.

ham walks over and sees his dad passed out and in the buff. au naturale.

what does the kid do, laughs and goes to call his brothers.

such a classic retelling of that scenario. man, i do stuff like that all the time. i laugh at the most tragic moments.

but his brothers, ah yes, they are the ones i want to model in these days. they picked up a cloth, probably some animal skin, and backed up to their father and covered him with the cloth.

they did not even lay their eyes upon him. and they covered him with Love.

i believe this is how God would have us live amongst each other. my foibles and flaws are so evident, so clear. it is as if i were passed out in the buff.

there are those who get a kick out of it.

but there are those who look away. those who seek to minister to me in my spiritual inebriation.

these days when i see or hear someone saying or behaving in a way that is unfitting an Heir of Righteousness. i pray. i lash out in tongues. i try to quiet myself and look away.

a dear friend of mine said,

i don't want to go to hell, but i'm not sure i want to go to heaven either.

he was rebuked, and i went to him as he went outside for a smoke.

friend,

i said,

God can do more with your honesty than He can with someone who says only what others want to hear.

he looked at me and smiled.

there are moments, fleeting though they may be, when we get to minister to the Body of Christ. i live for those moments.

God's heart is to stand beside anyone backing up to a brother in the buff. God's heart is to deal in honesty. sure that honesty may be tough to hear, but i'm tired of the church saying the easy things.

i am tired of the church opting for the "right answer" when no answer is needed.

how i wish my friend would have been embraced rather than driven away. how i wish my arms weren't so stiff and my heart so hard that i could have embraced him there.

if you see my many flaws, do me this one kindness:

look away.

worship

i've just finished reading a worship book by david ruis. phenomenal. if you buy it for nothing other than the "every tribe and every tongue" passages, it is well worth whatever it costs.

i've begun to see everything hinge-ing upon and stemming from worship.

every battle i face boils down to this one question,

whom will i worship?

i think back to the passages in ezekiel where it describes the casting down of satan from heaven. he was the worship leader in heaven (sort of) then he got proud. he coveted the worship of God and wanted it for himself.

this is the battle i fight every day.

when people thank me for some kindness, do i roll around in it and soak it up, or do i realize that i had very little to do with it.

i've come to realize that i don't do too much that is praise-worthy. i do all the messing up, the foibles, the floundering. if you need someone to waffle on a few topics and add some confusion, i'm your gal. but the good stuff, the noteworthy insights, those come from the Holy Spirit. will i acknowledge that, or no?

the essence of that battle to me, which i fight day in and day out, is

whom will i worship?

myself? God forbid. i'm not even able to get a hot dinner on the table most nights let alone fashion a whole universe from a thought, from nothing.

so when i sit in front of my modern day god, the tv, and i waste hours on end doing nothing, i wonder, whom have i worshipped today? did i even remember to nod at God today?

not that i am all down on myself. it has taken me a great while to come to terms with who i am, my vast limitations, my frailties and ever-present flaws. yes, i understand me now and i am grateful to have the opportunity to worship the Creator of the Universe.

at the end of the day when the curtain falls for the last time, what will be the big money question?

whom will i worship?

if i can fix my mind on Him. if i can set my gaze upon Him who is lovely beyond description. then maybe, just maybe, i'll have a bit of understanding in this moment.

the battle is not about who took out the trash last week, and why i have to make dinner and do the dishes before bed. the issue is, and will always be:

whom will i worship?

eviloution

i just finished reading a book on darwinian theory and its affect on nazi germany. no one makes me read these things, mind you, i choose the books because they pique my interest in some way.

this one however, proved to be a worthy adversary. the author did a fine job of presenting the information in an objective way. it was refreshing to read a good christian book for a change. but this one had no fat on the bone, it was meat through and through. it took three weeks for me to wade through the heavy subject matter to the final conclusion.

three weeks of hitler on the brain will mess with anyone's head. i'm no exception.

on friday last, i had a group of girl scouts at my house and i was meeting some dads and the word "leader" kept being said repeately. for some reason, i may never know, i clicked my heels and said, hail. the dad laughed and my arm shot into the air. but it troubled me to no end.

i would have been marked for annihilation, one of the "weaker" species had i lived then. i would have been shipped off or shot mercilessly, had any of those deluded masses laid their eyes upon me. this involuntary (and i stress involuntary) reaction troubled me more than just the reading of this most difficult work.

it reminded me of the proverbs which talk about what you fix your gaze upon. from the abundance of the heart a man speaks (how about reacts?).

my grams used to say:

dime con quien andos y te digo quien eres

which she translated:

tell me who your friends are and i'll tell you who you are.

grams was very persuasive. in our most rebellious times (i have a sister who is very dear to me so the us refers to our collective rebellion), grams was the only one whose influence could reel us in. reprimands from mother or father led to further rebellion, more extremes. but grams. that was another story entirely.

so if our friends can have such an affect on us, how about books? i've long considered books to be my friends. to convey the heart of their author. to mentor me.

this troubling book has opened my eyes to the stinging tentacles of darwinian theory. i hadn't thought evolution evil, and in regards to animal adaption i am not fully persuaded it is, in fact evil, or in error. (evolution is not beyond the scope of God's almighty power*.)

but with regards to social darwinism and translating survival of the fittest to german colonization and imperialism, i shudder to think of where one little observation of a smoky colored moth and a dusky colored moth has led.

makes me think twice about so quickly spouting out my theories and thoughts--not that they would have such a profound effect, but could they?

could any words we potentially speak be fodder for the enemy? of course. how then, do we guard against this? how do we wield our influnce for the Kingdom of God?

whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are lovely, think on these things. speak on these things. write on these things.

to the exclusion of all else? no. but leaning heavily upon the good and worthy things of God. returning there when involuntarily giving ourselves away. measure every thought by the Word of God.

this book has made me rethink history. churchill, who knew he was fashioned for such a time stands out as a paul in my mind now.

when the time comes for you and i to stand up for what is right and true and noble, may the Lord give us strength to do so.

*after writing this i talked with my friend about my thoughts and this scenario. she told me she knows of a creationist who says darwin was given the theory by someone who had received it in an incantation type state.

hmm. i wonder why that person didn't become "darwin" it could have easily been mcfarlane's theory as darwin's.

also, it troubles me that people see demons behind everything. and the power attributed to said demons. if there are, and there very well may be, demons behind this whole theory fine. (that is unproven in my opinion, but fine.) God is still ALL MIGHTY. i think we forget, the demons are still beholden to God. while God may not stretch forth His hand and silence them just yet, they are still God's demons (if that were possible).

i would like to see the Spirit of the Lord lifted up, rather than demonfinding. let us refute evolution by the Intelligent Designer argument. let the Lord show us the flaws in the theory and help us refute them. or, let's not be so afraid of something that can't possibly determine whether we end up in heaven or hell. let's fear God, not the boogey man. that's all i'm saying.