remember me

one thing about jungians is the way they take apart words and see them as wholes. re-member-me. remember me. piece me back together. i like that.

there is this soul who stirs in me the things i'd forgotten. the poems i've written years ago that had fallen into the abyss of the past, been there, done that. those poems never compiled in any collection, i was just writing at that time, spewing forth great bodies of poetry, and had begun to realize when i moved here, how i'm losing some of it.

some data locked in inacessible formats. some just gone forever.

but then, i am reminded of a poem i wrote and go out looking for it.

it was not without intent that i do what i do, that i did what i did. to be sure there are things that are gone forever, and goodbye to those things, i say.

but there remain some dear souls whom i can draw from the banks of memory, from the digital archives of my life and breathe life into them again, for those ears.

they come to me when i wake, and i read them with my breathy morning voice. i am reminded of when i wrote them and why. and who i am today in contrast. recontexting them. reliving them. rediscovering what was once so much a part of me.

and so much has changed.

i wasn't going to force my kid to "honor me" but she ultimately called this evening and we went out. ended up shopping. we're girls, what can i say. i found a cute outfit and she got something she'd wanted.

driving home she said,

it's just hard.

i know.

i miss you.

i miss you too. what can i do to help?

tell me your schedule.

i think her knowing where i am will help her psychically deal with my absence. so, as much as i don't like to show my hand, she needs to see some of it.

she made me a pair of earrings.

i should have made them different, i know you don't like matching earrings.

it's okay.

when i was trying on the outfit i saw that they were blue and pink. very sweet. the pink is more of a purple, but i consider the whole spectrum of red to purple in the continum of pink. (though it is likely in the continum of red, more accurately).

thank you baby,

and we hugged and kissed and said goodbye again.

only i am not sad. i am happy. i am grateful.

found a pair of jeans that are to die for, and won't fall off like the rest of them i have. only i have to have them taken up. i'm so short.

the chief was home when i arrived today,

you look exotic.

ah.

he was sweeping the porch and i asked about a pool. we discussed the options and basically, i'm just going to drag a sun chair into the backyard and sun myself there. i have to. i'm like a lizard in summer. a basker.

but i came home and slept. talked to my dearest friends, and saw my girl. it was a good night. following a good day in which i accomplished most everything i had on my plate. just inputting the revisions tomorrow, and then we can begin in earnest on revision.

i'll have to get a printer, but i need one. the last thing i had to print in haste i called my ex and he printed it for me. we're finally on peaceful terms, and i must say, i'm glad.

one of my best friends said,

he still loves you. you can't be married, but he still loves you.

and i said,

that's fine. i'm glad we're not together anymore, it's better this way.

my other best friend did not have such a positive take on his behavior.

be careful,

she said,

he wants something.

this is why i have so many best friends, because they balance each other's voices.

and the one i adore sleeps. and soon, so shall i.

confessionalism

the merits and drawbacks of writing poetry that captures my essence is the topic on the table at the moment. at my best friend's house, we're going to belly dance in her basement studio, since there was no tai chi at the buddist monastery. but i also have a meeting today with someone who may help me out with a particular issue which has my heart.

when you write something everyone experiences it.

yes, but it's like a mural or painting on the wall. i don't let it out until i'm past it (which is and isn't true).

i wondered when i was reading your book if i was ready to be so intimate with you.

it's why i'm a confessional poet, because i can take you there.

i just didn't know if i was ready to go.

right.

for me, writing is an exorcism. once i reveal the depths of my depravity, it's gone. once i process it on the page, it leaves me. and i move on.

yes, but we're still there and bringing you back.

it's a piece of my art, and i say, yes, i created that. but it's not me any longer. i say, look at where i'm at now.

right.

the guys at work have long been asking for my poetry book. these are the educated gentlemen i worked with. and while i wanted to give it to them, i know what therein lies. i chose carefully the poem i would share with my greek scholar friend.

my last day of work, i gave him my poetry book.

after you read it, you'll know why i didn't let you read it until i was gone.

thank you, i'll be in touch.

and the same with my replacement.

i look forward to reading it. i'll call you.

fine.

...time for belly dance to start, i must away... perhaps i'll continue this thought later...perhaps not.

dark angel

it was my dark angel that gave me courage to leave my store. and i'm so glad i did. so glad i did.

while i showed up an hour late (dork, wrote down the wrong time!). the boss was grateful to have me there, and i was glad to be there. the whole place just lifted my spirit and i felt light as a feather. was even pleasant ! for a whole entire day.

go figure. new digs, what can i say. (that, or a great night...hmmm)

i do get on with the people i met today, and that is nice. no fucking around. my boss was sharing her perspectives on management, and i told her one of my greatest struggles was not being backed by the manager.

she said,

i will never do that to you.

and explained her approach.

what a relief,

i said.

while actual practices may vary, this is a word i can say, didn't you mean what you said when...

i think i can learn a lot from this lady. i like her style so far. some of her staff are grumblers, but most people grumble and complain and do little to change their stars. i'm not one of those cats.

so they watched my enthusiasm, and it was nice to be in a busy store. constantly moving. i have my first major task i will begin asap. rearranging the backroom. it's a disaster. no up or down. i will do it slowly and she can't wait for me to start. getting out in ten minutes like my previous store is applauded here as well, and since i'm told it's "dead" at night, i won't have any problem making that happen. i will pick up the time on the front end of my shift and use that toward administrative bullshit. she's cool with this approach. our work styles seem very compatible. i'm so grateful. so very, very grateful. thank you dark angel.

that reminds me...

met this artist, wanted to buy this piece for my dark angel, but settled on this.

she really is amazing for just starting out. and my brain just flooded with ideas, so i'm hoping to get together with her and give them to her. and secure some more of her art, a particular fairy that caught my eye.

this is one of my favorite local belly dancers, whom i hope to start taking lessons from. at least that's the plan. she's amazing.

anyway, i've got stuff to do. this is the problem with being online. i get online. must get back to three.d.

peace. out.

wait, this funny memory came to me, and i have to share it. at one point a customer from my former store came in. she said,

what are you doing here?

this, after the girl whom i worked with, a one month veteran said,

stop saying my store about that store. this is your store now.

which i found very sweet. considering it was iffy if we'd get along. but we're both moms and i've got that in. whew.

anyway, my customer from my former store said,

what are you doing here?

and i threw my arms up in the air and tilted my head back and said in the loudest voice,

this is my store and these are my baristas.

which the two guys working with me laughed at. one smiled and turned around and said,

technically, you're my barista.

the other just snickered.

turns out, he knows my dark angel.

go figure. small world.

before i left the boys were bantering with me about how things go down at this store. in the best sense, and i said,

bring it on gentlemen.

and they laughed.

this is going to be fun.

i said and left.

i'm going to like my new store.

so much for ease

i lay abed thinking of what i'll wear to my residency. these are the points that consume my mind of late. certainly the tight black and grey capris i just aquired, no question there. i wore them to the belly dance fest, pink converse, and a pink shirt. too damn cute. but there are still nine other days to consider. the sets slowly coming together in my mind. i have to be productive and creative. looks like we do about four or five hours of classes, and a couple hours of creative writing each day of the residency. i faxed in my registration today so i can get into the reading seminar that is capped at 12 participants. i hope no one is as on the ball as i am, though i'm not so on the ball as that. it took me a couple days to get that fax faxed. hopefully i get in. i can hold my own in a room full of grad students. i've been doing it for years now. poetry intensives are great for more than just generating poetry.

perhaps i've three outfits.

today at the gym i lumbered around like a geriatric. i don't know why by my body is screaming. i guess i just don't know. last night at bd class we did figure eights for a solid five minutes, and that will challenge anyone.

at one point i'm going so fast feels like i could launch out to space.

but i got there early and warmed up. a solid fifteen minutes of dancing before class. some girls showed up, but i kept going, it helps me to let go. and i realized, there are so many things i do when my instructor puts on her music that i just forget about when i try to dance to my own music. which is why it's helpful to dance with my friend in her living room and out about the town, because she helps me remember what i've forgotten. watching her inspires me to move too.

she used a veil last time i was dancing at her house, and just moved with it so gracefully, like it was part of her. there was nothing but ease in her movements, grace. i want to dance like that.

so when i broke out a smaller veil than the one i usually use, it helped. just as it helped when i borrowed a smaller veil from her previously. i've been studying a long time, there comes a time when the student must move forward. time to perform.

but ... now i've lost my thought,

time to get ready for work. last day. huzzah.

compelled to lie

so i am talking to my new boss who says she spoke with my previous boss, who mentioned i'm a closer. grrr.

i got to work and wanted to rip his head off.

why would you say that?

did you want me to lie?

you who lie about everything, why would you do that to me when you know i'm tired of closing. why are you compelled to be honest where i'm concerned?

i said you were a master closer.

grrr.

the man cannot win by me. while he has honored my restrictions on communication, it still feels like anyway i can be got, i am got.

today, the girl who loathes me went home sick (conveniently leaving me and the all-star who is taking my place to receive and put away the order, run the floor, and do whatever bs didn't get done by the morning crew). sigh.

not that we're not up to the task, but both of us were the living dead today. drink making was nearly impossible, but making change was even worse. so i stayed on bar and bumbled through. i couldn't even walk away from bar for about four hours when i got there and he just kept zipping in and out to ring as needed, while i made the drinks (not so slow, just consistent traffic--which is annoying in the sense that it drags on and there is no break).

me and this guy usually get the pre-close stuff done by 5, we didn't even start it until six. we were both fried and just fumbling around. fortunately it was us and no one else.

this is too much work,

he said.

i know. i'm going to yell at him.

because who left my ass hanging out in the wind? who else.

every chance he gets.

i didn't run the shift.

he said.

but you're still responsible for everything he misses. he's in training.

leave me a list.

i will, but if you're going to give him cushy openings and not keep him on task, it's not going to work.

i know, i know.

what happened to you, you never would have missed this stuff before. pull yourself together and get over it.

because ultimately, it's the little shit that complicates things. if i can't step away from the bar for a second, and we are struggling with putting an order away and getting the work of the shift done, it's pretty damn tough. i should have probably just left it all for the next crew, but that is what is always done to me. it doesn't feel good to walk in to so much work, in addition to what you've already got on your plate.

but does it matter? no.

this is why i'm leaving.

i finally said,

there is a double standard and it's not okay.

if i had ever left him one man down and not mentioned it, or made up for it, i would have gotten chewed out. granted, i can do the work of a few people, but i'm exhausted. and that is not the point. the point is, you don't leave someone with their ass hanging in the wind.

but again, mine was. and i'm so ready to be done with it.

i'm going to sleep for what i hope will be at least half a day, if not a whole day. turned off my phone and will sleep as much as i can. i'm wasted tired...

but what else is new...

i went by my old digs, and the new manager said,

you look good. your whole aura has changed. last time you were here you looked stressed out

.

i did, because i was.

i told him,

i had to find an out that was good for everyone. timing and everything. i don't like to leave anyone in the lurch.

it was right for me to leave there when i did. to be going to the new store now. i'm ready for this next adventure to begin, after a hearty rest, that is...and perhaps some medicinal whiskey.

the rush

finally have my required reading list for my mfa residency. whew! and my library so far, has all but one of the books. this is why i love my library, why i'm grateful to be here in ny, poetry central. amen.

i seem to have misplaced my mfa handbook though, and this is problematic. i'm sure it will appear like the unicorn beside the glistening lake just when i need it. i need it now, but not this second, because i actually should be getting ready for work. have my new schedule and it conflicts with nothing but one thing i have slated for that week, which makes me happy. i have some commitments and i can keep them all. (well, two, wrestling again, which i'll miss, and a tea party, which i don't mind missing, save that it was with a group of belly dancing moms. ah well).

but my new boss seems very willing to work with me. she's scheduled me with her the first week so i can get a feel for what she wants. looks like i'll be ordering still, not everything, but some things. it is well.

i'm grateful.

must away, forced myself out of bed, to the gym where my legs began cramping again. think i'm seriously deficient in potassium, so i bought some bananas. and i craved fried chicken, so i got some of that too. weird. no, i'm not pregnant.

but i don't crave much, so when i do, i listen.

peace. out.

nigh eve

perhaps i ask too much of the people in my life. perhaps i want more than is actually possible. that is ever the case, because i push the boundaries as a regular practice. it's how i love. (funny, i meant to write, how i live, but i like that, it is also how i love).

my dearest friend asked me,

it was too much, wasn't it?

perhaps. but i don't do little flourishes, i do large sweeping movements. it's how i live my life.

yes.

she laughs.

she noted how empathic she is, how she can pick up the energy of strangers, and i move through crowds and situations largely unaffected by these energies.

you're protected somehow. that's wonderful.

is it?

i'm not so sure. because if there are people i shouldn't be around and i saunter right up to them with an outstreched hand, that doesn't sound so good for me.

but i also give people lots of grace. i will talk to anyone provided they are kind. or at least willing. some people have this difficult exterior but underneath lay a creamy center. i hold hope to find everyone's creamy center.

perhaps this protects me from negative energies. i don't know.

perhaps i embrace my delusions too much, and endanger myself, but i don't think so. i think i get a better read on people than some. that i'm in an open place and that is the place i've longed to be for a very long time.

when i held my sister at the airport as she was leaving, i said,

goodbye pagan.

i never said that,

she replied.

but i understand. i know my life is not what others would have it be, it is merely what it is. i do not pretend to be anything other than what i am.

i pushed her too far. exposed her to too much, and so she will away, and i hope, will find my perspective not the stuff of hell and damnation, but something to respect (i did not say embrace because she cannot) because it is mine.

how these larger themes become so divisive, and i wish, i want only there to be peace between us. and love. as much love as we can muster.

but it cannot always be so, i understand this. and i am grateful, moreso than ever, for my friends who can hold me in this place i find myself now. this open, dark, willing place. that they can abide my darkness as i theirs. that they can not write me off just because i listen to the voices of others. and have ideas not like their own.

i will never yield to the idea of another just to win their favor. i'd rather be alone than do that.

and so i am.

home alone again.

and grateful.