now walk away

in attempting to understand the events surrounding me now, i have come to the conclusion there is little i can do except what i have done before. keep moving forward. i will not let perceptions define me. they are not right. i am trying to live my life and will. i mean to enjoy it.

do i understand what's going on? no, but apparently that is not a prerequisite of life. much of the time, i think, we have to play catch up with momentum. at least that's what i've found.

it has made me realize that i live in another world in some ways. my perceptions are also my reality. and my reality is very good. getting better all the time.

there is a difference between believing a thing into truth and wishful thinking. what that distinction is, i cannot say. i'm not sure i don't spend too much time wishful, rather than intentional. it's something i have to consider.

time for me to resume exercises in silence. time for me to pick up some of what i've let fall to the wayside. time for me to walk away from what i cannot possibly understand and just keep moving toward my dreams.

spent a bit of time on the phone with the ex recently, and while it is not my favorite way to pass the time, i'm grateful he tries to help me troubleshoot.

my girl's new laptop got a wicked virus and we spent an hour on the phone trying to figure it out. but i was tired. so we let it go to try again another day.

the other night i came home and my girl was on the phone with her dad and they had worked it through together. i am so glad, i had no time for fixing that computer. and no patience for it. it was utterly beyond me.

i fixed it mom!

she announced as i stepped in the door.
.

wonderful. i'm so proud of you.

dad says i'm going to be really good with computers.

yes, love.

whatever she chooses, i want her to excel at. whatever she wants, i want her to enjoy. sometimes, it has to come from other sources. i'm grateful there is more out there supporting her than just me. even though, at times, it feels like it's only me.

there is a ladybug clamboring around my laptop. falling from the open screen with a delicate thud. they are very helpless in many ways. trapped indoors overwinter.

i hear they are lucky.

much to do, must away.

blown gaskets

well, the phrase suits me at the moment. i knew my car, my beloved pony was having issues. it's been faithful for over ten years now, pushing 213,000 miles. and finally, the gaskets are all shot to hell and the water pump leaking.

i rented a car i didn't really need, though, i'm glad to have the convenience of it. and why not? if my kid needed me, i need to be able to get to her. that's justification enough.

just off the phone with my advisor, who understands me. i'm grateful for it.

there is, apparently, a long list of grievances against me, that i had not even known existed. i'm so naive. when i learn of these things it is always with some awe. some surprise. and i have to not psyche myself out with the negative spiral that could ensue.

today i didn't. i'm glad. my head is no place to be sometimes.

i just thought i was doing better than i am, is all. perceptions cannot be gauged. though i did tell my new boss today,

i'm overly honest. probably my own worst enemy. if i do something stupid, you will hear about it from me.

i've never been one to cower behind lies. the truth has been brutal but loyal.

i can't keep track of lies. so i don't tell them. the truth is bone jarring enough for most people. if you really want to shock someone, tell them the truth. it is guaranteed to influence people, and not always in a good way.

so, my boss hears me out, and says,

we're going to get along just fine. you sound like me.

and i laughed.

i don't care about promotion anymore, i don't know that i ever really did. and i have a manager who is giving me a chance to be myself and show her what i'm made of. is it perfect, no. but perfection is not possible. nor is it required.

i'm doing the best i can. that's all i can say.

if that's not good enough, then it never will be. and parting ways is welcome. i am just feeling tired right now, and had a long cry with my mentor on the phone.

i'm sorry she had to hear it. that i had to clamor through all that emotion, but she was honest and sincere in her concern and appraisal of the situation.

so many wearisome thoughts, i will just go cry.

maybe tomorrow, laughter will light upon me for a while. i will be in the care of my best friend who lets me cry for a moment and then says,

come on, let's go do something.

she's not emotional at all.

it's strange how it works for us, but she balances me and my overmuchemotion doesn't bother her like her overmuchlogic doesn't bother me.

i don't even get overmuchlogic. how do you become that way?

surely, i will never know. too busy feeling.

hopefully i will grow. i need to change. to learn from these trials. i'm tired of the same lessons. i want to move forward. emotionally as well as in other ways.

remember to let go

there is so much. my professor said,

i have learned that we need to walk close to our personal fault line. where it feels like everything is going to cave in, family, job, friends, relationships. the tricky part, is navigating a safe way out.

i have found myself at the epicenter of my life. it's curious that such things surprise me, but the build up to this certainly did.

now what to do here, besides gape in the hole, the rift that is before me.

feel it. it's what i know to do. last night, i put my head in my hands and wept. i went over everything again in my mind, what i've done the past year plus now, and if i would do it again.

and i would. for all the damnable trials of this season, it is where i'm supposed to be. there were no fewer trials then, i merely had someone to punt to. that's the thing, having a spouse is comforting in that they are a body beside you.

unfortunately for me, it was nothing more.

my girl said to me this past weekend,

you just couldn't last.

meaning, i left her dad, now here we are.

i replied,

you know what it was like. no, i couldn't last.

i know she thinks her life would be easier somehow, more familiar, but would it? does having back the familiar routine mean it's easier?

i have to answer no. particularly if that routine teaches her that a marriage is a deadlock in pain and misery. i had forgotten how to laugh. why i was alive. who i am.

that is no way to spend a life.

certain, this, i know pain. i know joy. i know myself again.

and each day, i learn more.

today, i have to get my car to the shop and rent a car. not huge dilemmas by any means, but perplexing in the timing of it and i really don't have a ride if i need one. again, no one to punt to.

so while i realized, my being stranded on the side of the road is a bad thing, i bought a membership to AAA. i am contemplating my options today. i was going to drop my car at the carguy's but then realized i'd be stranded at home. how to get to work.

better, to be in town, able to hop on a bus and cut my walk to work down. or, better yet, able to be picked up by the car rental place. i hope they have a car.

until now, i've had such an easy time of it. i just do what i do. while i feel fear and concern, there was someone to call. not so much any longer.

i am trying to make peace with the fact that i have to handle everything now. i have been handling everything, just last night it felt like a tidal wave. that one more thing sucked me under and i could not find my way up.

give me chocolate!

i told my kid.

and the placebo did little for me, but it was a diversion, certainly.

there comes a time when we must grow up. i have reached that place. am living from that place. and, well, finding it rather daunting.

all my comforts of the past are gone. and i'm grateful i have my girl. but i want to teach her how to be healthy and strong. independent.

hopefully, i'm accomplishing that. must get ready, the car ordeal begins. and i trust it will be well.

intrepid

is perhaps my favorite word. far, far from me now, but still. i like to believe i am an intrepid soul. when i say the honest thing, not the politically correct thing, i don't do it for any reason other than it is the truth. this does not always serve me well, and frankly, i'm tired of being told to be nice. nice does nothing for me, never has, never will. perhaps i need to learn to be political, but why? for what reason, what purpose does it serve? there are politically inclined people in my life. we don't talk politics. it has nothing to do with me. i am told i am a dullard for this. to which i reply,

i'm a specialist. there is much a specialist loses for the sake of their specialty. when i'm around those interested in my specialty, i'm quite well heard. well thought of even.

or maybe i'm deluded. maybe selling out is the only way.

but it can't be. i refuse to give anyone power over my life. i refuse to.

but right now, i'm trembling.

thinking back to something i saw that exemplifies this situation.

a four year old mustang was just acquired by a rather famous horse trainer. that mustang's whole way of survival is to be afraid. be very afraid. ask questions later kind of fear.

when that horse fell into this trainer's hands, he was suddenly in a tribe of creatures and people. the trainer's two dogs raced laps around the horse as he cantered around the arena. it was as if they were dancing, the steps of the hooves and the paws came so close in time.

the trainer dismounts center arena, and the mustang is made to lay down. he does. the dogs approach, and the horse startles mildly, but the trainer is right there. the trainer reassures the horse and the dogs come over, eventually getting close enough to stand on the horse's belly while he lay there on his side completely vulnerable.

the trainer said,

these are predators. this is prey. the only reason this horse is allowing this is because he trusts me.

it occurred to me then that i have never known this kind of trust. i have never been able to allow myself to fall into someone's hands without the worst kind of madness ensuing.

and so, i stay apart. away, fearful. until i can build up enough courage to ask the hard questions and face my fears.

it occurred to me that i need to be my own handler. to protect myself this way. but how? that is always the question.

it has started by drawing lines relationally. by erecting boundaries where they have fallen.

yet it feels so vulnerable, here alone, accountable for and to myself.

there is freedom in it, yes. but there is a whole world of responsibility i have to face, alone.

i am equal to the task. it's just sometimes the irrational fear, the besetting fears won't stop clamoring for attention. and i must tend to them. i must make them go away, but looking them directly in the eye. and trusting myself to know the path i need to take, though the way seems blocked.

it is not blocked. guides come along.

and i want to believe i'm still good at trusting the right people.

but i won't hesitate to admit i've gone wrong, and readjust.

sometimes these things happen. people are unpredictable. and i want only freedom for those around me as well as myself. to be accepted with the unconditional love i freely give. that is my only request. don't cage me. don't climb in and cage yourself. because breaking cages open is tough work. and painful.

changing cadence

my life has certainly fallen into a different cadence than before. lots more to do. trying to remain present to it all, though, i admit, sometimes i'm just a body in the room. mostly, this happens at work. i don't mind it happening there. work is mindless tedium. nothing soul stirring. sadly. but that is only a temporary condition while i work my way out of my old life and into the new. i'm molting, i guess. and there is some kind of deadness that needs to fall away.

the mayor's office was eluding me, but i'm persistent and finally have contact names and numbers i need to proceed. plan b, was to take effect tomorrow, wherein i go park myself in their office and don't leave until they assist me. i'm glad it didn't come to that. much can be handled today from my warm, toasty bed. since my play date got cancelled (adults need to play too, come on), i have much found time. though i admit, most of it i will prostrate lie.

i have to book the park, arrange for the museum exhibit, begin finding and completing forms and otherwise mastermind this entire literacy program or it ain't happening. funny, the things i get myself into. i realized how i didn't even plan my wedding well (not that this is going to be as shoddy an affair as that), it makes me laugh. that i, who arguably don't give a shit about planning have landed a job where i am the sole planner. fanfuckingtastick.

so, i will make it what i think it needs to be, not what i don't care if it is or not. does that make sense? i have a vision in my mind, some place i'm headed, if you will. surely, i can take us there, if anyone can.

i sat in the principal's office with a member of my team, and a major player for this event and had to convince them of my vision. in so doing, i secured the major points of our grant are covered.

oh, that reminds me of things i need to do in prep for tomorrow's meeting. that's the good thing about having a moment to clear my head. stuff i need tumbles out.

i did get my latest packet in to my mentor on time. (late by my day early standard, but on time enough for the program). and that is a relief. this packet had only a three week spread and i managed four books, ten poems, and one critical paper. not too bad. next packet i have the typical four week spread, which will be helpful.

i'm reading a lot of exciting works, history of the samurai, kali, things like that. source material it's called. because the works i'm writing creatively have to have that distinction between what i'm saying and what has been said. i must know. i'm convinced of this. i find both of these topics profoundly interesting and just started a samurai sword handbook. together with a book recommended by my prof, who, btw, completely gets me. go figure. i never expected that.

again, when i give myself over to it, it gets easier, even joyful somehow. it's the struggling against it that prolongs the agony. of course i know this in my head, but trying to get my heart to cooperate is like trying to walk a bunny. a most uncooperative walking pet. they are more of the darting under the bush variety.

that's it. my life is changing and i'm grateful.
so i never get here because i'm so busy.
that's the good news.

sleep baby, sleep.

i'm not sure what to say. why i haven't written. not like it matters, this. but yet it does. i've been more busy than ever before and i'm just tired. as i sat weeping at my friend's house wondering if i could do it all, she said,

you are doing it all.

which was scant comfort.

i have fewer hours next week, which is good.

a paper due monday, which is why i'm here. this is my process. come, purge. write.

i have had serious doubts about the things i'm writing, largely because they are so close to the bone. everything is so honest. even more than before. now, it feels vulnerable. that's the difference, i think, my mind knows it is, everything feels it is, and well, i'm just too tired.

so i'm encouraged to go for it. to spare no detail. to write whatever i want. and blow my prof away. which i will attempt to do. which i will do, muse willing. (i like that phrase, i just stumbled upon it)

but i'm tired now. and need to pursue my writing another way, the indirect way.

everything else for my packet is done, just this six page critical paper. that is always the way it is with me.

now to bed.

zoned

i want to get out today, to see beauty. to visit some old friends. to just be. i couldn't sleep last night, until i finally passed out around 2am. i've opened mostly this week, and a close at the end of it just sucks.

can't decide what would be better, vegging. which i love to do. or getting my ass out of bed and visiting friends.

methinks. get up.