work, work, work

so, i finally had the meetings that were cancelled due to snow. i can't believe it's only been two weeks since then. it feels like forever, but it also feels like no time has passed. how these two contradictions co-exist, i do not know.

met with my literacy program boss yesterday for an hour. it was a fruitful discussion and his head was spinning with all the details we discussed and that i've been working through. the minutia has only just begun.

so, i am rolling again. spent the morning drafting emails and trying to track people down. it's not easy when there is no budget for expenses. i read on the grant website that the grant is seed money, and fundraising will broaden your outreach. yeah right. maybe if i signed on months ago. this has to happen now.

and as we get closer, the stakes go up. i'm just trying to meet the grant verbiage at the barest level. any flourishes will be appreciated but not expected at this point. the trouble is, when they drafted this grant they made it very pie in the sky. they never checked to see if we could have an exhibit at the museum. i called to set it up and was met with a

we're booked until 2011.

but fortunately, people like me and i don't know how to take no for an answer, very pisecean that way, and so my will prevailed and we're going to have a small exhibition space. whew.

i keep saying, to fulfill the requirements of the grant. and to promote literacy, how can they argue with these things. though, we are drawing on their resources and utilizing their staff, i am grateful for the offer, and i am scheduling according to their availability--it's nice to have complete control of this thing.

so, if it goes off well, i will be commended.

if it flops, i will have done my best. it's tough, making something out of nothing.

so, i await the flurry of responses and prepare to have a whole weekend off. i'm so excited. officially done at my old store, permanently at my new store. and loving it.

i work in a few hours, until then, i'll just try to rest or get some schoolwork done. i've got two critical papers to write and absolutely nothing to say. (what else is new).

so, the wheel keeps turning and i endeavor to keep up.

it's all good. i'm forty now. and loving it.

wanted

i think i just worked my last day at my current store. now i'm free to be at my new store. i'm so, so glad. i hate being somewhere i'm not wanted. i asked my new boss how it's going yesterday, and she said,

i'm happy.

which is nice.

i just have to work. there is nothing else to the equation. i watched some pretty petty stuff go down the other day, but i can't get in the middle of it. i have no interest in the drama.

so i open the next two days, and then a day off. my belly dance class starts that day, and pilates. i am also going to spend the day with my best friend which keeps me sane.

i have all of next weekend off, which NEVER happens.

hopefully i will be able to see my best friend in new jersey on saturday. she's going to try to make it happen though things are going on in her life and it may not. in that case, i'll just spend the days with my kid celebrating. not sure what we'll do. we're supposed to go bowling, but i don't know if we'll do that.

i guess i'll get up and read. i am tired, but i can't stop doing school work. i have a couple books to get through for this next packet, though i have already completed all the required revision work. i banged it all out one day so i didn't have to worry about it. now, i'm glad i did that, because my brain is tired. just like the rest of me.

but it won't be forever. just a semester of this chaos.

and i am grateful it is my foray into my field. that i am moving forward in my life.

it is all good.

bodily weary

yesterday, i felt like i was asleep with my eyes open.

i went to see some old friends and one said,

go home, you need to get there safe.

i must have looked pretty bad.

came home, lay down, and couldn't sleep. my mind kept whirring and whirring. not in a bad way, just the way it does.

finally, i slept. and twelve hours later, i'm up. my body is tired. and i am glad my belly dance and pilates classes start this next week. i'm such a slug right now, it's not good. i've been told the only way to make more energy is to burn energy. so, since i quit my gym, i've been lazing a lot more than before. i force myself to the gym when i'm a member, so i need to join some gym, soon.

but this is just a season. so i am a mid today, and open the store for three days after that. i don't know that i'll accomplish much personally, but at least my schedule is consistent and sleep will be easier. meaning i can get some schoolwork done.

i was so fried yesterday i called my friend because the thought of trying to read or do work was beyond me.

she hugged me and cried, because i haven't seen her since halloween, haven't spent time alone with her since before that. before i got my kid. i've lost touch with a few people i care about, but it's not them. it's my life. my life is demanding at the moment.

so we ate, talked, and i am glad i forced myself to do that. it was long overdue.

now, the apartment looks like a bomb hit it, and i've got to go to work soon. will force myself into the shower, then get productive before i jet out.

sometimes, the body just has to do what it's told. it's no different from the gym. things have to be done. and done now.

i wish, in some ways, i could live up to the standards others have. that my apartment would be presentable at all times. etc. that i could have fabulous meals prepared for my kid, but i can't. i do the best i can. with my crock pot as my ally, and much forgiveness, we make it through.

even created a few dishes we really enjoy lately.

i did all the revision work required of me this packet, so i've just got reading and two critical papers to write. this is the easy part of the packet. the hard part was making sure my revision work got done. and it did. i just forced myself through it.

now, to think about all the other things that demand my attention.

finding my way, slowly, sometimes. but finding my way.

at last.

be here now

i am reminded of many things i had learned, thought i'd incorporated into my life.

seems i've fallen into familiar patterns and modes of thinking.

i need to remember the lessons i've learned and not forsake them. hardwon they were. hardwon.

sometimes though, i forget there are reasons for what i do. even if those reasons are buried in my mind, and i cannot uncover them at will. there are experiences i've had that have led me to this place, where i am today.

trusting that center. that knowing. trusting who i am, is profoundly difficult right now. i guess because it's not in opposition to anyone. i am just me. free. unencumbered (save by myself). and that is something new for me.

i am trying to understand how it works, atonomy. freedom.

i am making a lot of choices now, i wouldn't have made for myself previously, because i am incoroporating some level of comfort, however scant, into my life. comfort used to be my first sacrifice, now, it is a consideration.

ease of mind. ease of body. ease of soul. while they are none all attained at once, i must look to the care of each. and by ease, i don't mean lamborgini or harvard. i mean, ease for my life. in the context of my life. not extravagance. i don't and have never needed excess, expense. but i also have never feared expending what i need for what i want. abundance means very different things to us all. for me, it's a new pair of converse and a leather jacket. for someone else, not so much.

we saw avatar in 3d at imax last night. last night of it showing there is tonight. my girl got woozy from the 3d, but i loved it. it was gorgeous, soulful, and worth it. so worth it. we stayed out till almost midnight, and i kept telling her,

you only turn thirteen once.

we had a blast.

that, for me, is extravagance. but she is worth it. every bit of it.

her life has so radically changed as a byproduct of my liberation. i try not to let this guilt me into action, but to give freely, generously as i see it would bless her. i am not easily manipulated. i am not easily fooled. she knows this. she doesn't try very hard, because it's pointless.

i have to work today, and i just want to see the divine in everyone i meet. to find it in myself again. to understand that even when we fail, even when we're scared, even when our liberation costs others, changes their lives, that we are still worth liberating. by our liberation others are also set free, i believe this.

and today i go and live it.

i trust. it is my nature.

i will do my best today, and know peace.

revision

so, i see. revision is just that. seeing something again. coming at it from a new angle. i like what i'm seeing. what is happening. i don't know that i'm getting there, but i am definately taking it further than before. fleshing it out. making it quiver on the page.

my prof said this,

these poems bear equal weight. like you're lighting candles on an altar.

that moves me. she wants me to do backflips and the splits, and i just want to capture a moment.

sometimes a flickering candle is enough.

but i understand what she is doing. she is pushing me, it is her job.

blowtorch, not candle. though, at least she has demonstrated and acknowledged the validity of the candle approach.

i'm grateful for this challenge. it is what i need right now.

my girl

turns thirteen today. what a milestone.

and i begin, in earnest, revising every poem i've written this semester so far. to prove that i can do it. not necessarily to improve them. hopefully, they will get better, but this work is merely for my program. and i understand that. it's a curious thing, letting someone see the flow of my work as it comes. those closest to me know what this means. they have seen it. it's curious to trust an advisor with that flow. i was asked about the strength of the work, and again, i return to the question are these supposed to be a semester window of writing or are they supposed to be our strongest works. because invariably these will not be the same works if they want strong poems to hack to bits. (which is what happens)

i'm not sure i went the right way, but i went the way i go, as i'm inclined to do. so i have made my own bed, as they say. (have i noted how i hate them. the things they say merely serve to annoy me)

with this bed, this chosen field of poems, i have set my course. anyone could have seen this, anyone would have known this would be the outcome.

my mind doesn't work like anyone else's apparently. because i do what i do by instinct. now, i must follow through. typically i move from stone to stone across the current, but now, my prof is requiring me, as she puts it, to reenter the stream and flesh out the works i've provided.

what did i expect, really?

and, perhaps this is the best way to learn, with things fresh on my plate, rather than works previously written (which i will submit this time around. stronger works in need of scrutiny).

all this to say, i need a featured reading soon.

all this glutting of my own works, my closed in focus on them, without a crowd, without the energy of a crowd is wearying. remedied as easily, i'm sure by merely attending an open, but i'd rather have the spotlight and show them what i can do.

i have just found erykah badu.

i was telling someone i love that

i want to be as powerful as her with my art.

you are.

she replied.

and it meant something to me. however, i want more than just moments of it. i want to live my life from that place. to create and sustain myself from that creation because it is regarded as something. that is what every artist wants, i believe. right now i'm working to pay the bills, but i would like to work in relation to my art, to find my way into my field. to hang a shingle there. and make my way in a field that matters to me.

i want to edit. to write. to read. to teach.

that is all i've ever really wanted to do.

so the journey begins again.

i have remembered me

i went to my best friend in pieces today. hemmoraging from the past couple weeks. she, for other reasons, but was in much the same state.

to sit across the table from someone you love, from someone who loves you, is a powerfully rejuvenating thing.

be yourself,

she said.

because she could see what was happening.

i don't like where this is going. be who you are. let yourself feel.

you see, i had, have, plugged up my emotion. i have heard so much of late that i'm too emotional, and while i replied,

it is who i am.

the comments kept coming. be more logical. stop indulging.

and so i did.

now i'm being told to have a good belly sob.

which i find kind of hilarious.

so, i met this haitian man today. he drove the rental car and me back to retrieve my car from the shop. i was relaying some of the information about my car, and he said a few things. to which i replied.

he paused, and said,

you could have driven that car back even if it wasn't working. the mind is a powerful thing. you have confidence that doesn't just come from nowhere.

his english was slightly broken, but he understood me completely. he had my name and number. i will likely never see him again.

but he was a father figure, stepping into my life and saying,

daughter, you are gifted beyond belief. believe it. continue to live it.

you see, i know i'm blessed. i know i'm favored.

even when the shit is coming down, i am safe.

this does not always elicit shouts of joy from those who are in my life. even on the periphery (mostly on the periphery, those folk i have to deal with, and who, admittedly, have to deal with me. poor bastards).

i understand there is more at stake than what i see, and that i have to stop psyching myself out when someone comes down heavy on me. i am more powerful than i give myself credit for. but today, it was reaffirmed again.

it took a complete stranger from another culture to empower me, to remind me of who i know i am. to get me.

one of the things said of me was that i'm

on a very short leash

at work.

these people think we're saving lives or curing cancer. but i'm on no one's leash. and i never will be. no man, no woman has power over me. they may be in a position of authority in my life, but that does not give them control over me or my future.

so the bullshit perceptions that have been dumped on me, i have been standing back saying,

fuck you all.

and, today, i was reminded why.

that which is mine will come to me. when i'm ready to move to a new job, the job will find me, as they have all in the past. before that time, there is something here for me to learn. at the moment i think it is not to psych myself out. to accept the blows and learn to roll with them. to let them glance off me, and to give myself over to goodness. even in the face of complete and total bullshit.

i trust.

it will all be well.

how will it?

i don't know, it's a mystery.