curiouser and curiouser

times they are a stranger. sometimes i forget myself who i am, where i'm headed, what i want. but i do know what i don't want, especially when it's staring me in the face.

sometimes i wish i could see what's down the road so i could plan. i plan as much as i can anyway, but i never know if my plans are actually going to come to fruition. i guess that is the story of every farmer. they plant, the tend, they wait, they harvest. my story is no different from any others, save that it is mine.

tonight i am leaning into the weekend, wishing it were here sooner than it will be, but knowing, it's better to be in the moment at hand than wish it away. even if it is uncomfortable or painful. there is nothing that happens without meaning.

so when i surprise myself, and behave in ways i wish i wouldn't. or when i'm surprised by the behavior of others who behave in ways i wish they didn't. i just have to cut everyone some slack and offer peace.

i want that more than anything.

i want to not be mistreated either. i won't accept it. i can't. i've worked too hard to change my life to accept poor treatment, and so, i will not.

it is strange, the past twenty four hours, but there was some purpose. something i will understand someday.

and perhaps it all unfolded as it should, though now i have to trust that is the case.

and soon, my love will be in my arms again, and i will be grateful.

finding time

i think i have approached this whole thing wrong. but there is always time to start again. and so today, i begin again. i will try to focus afresh and chart my course. no point wasting this downtime with fevered dreams. i've been tired but feel much better. my child is happy and that is all that i really can ask for. the rest is up to me. it always has been. what do i want to accomplish.

i've got a running list. some things have to be there. but i'm trying to remember the things i let fall along the way. the things that mattered to me but i haven't had time. mostly, i find that in friends. those who remind me of who i am. i have heard myself laugh more in the past year than i have in the past decade. i like that change. it bodes well for the future. laughter heals.

that's really the bottom line. i'm being restored.

it's not only about the physical state, its about all of it. i am just discovering lost parts of me. not sure i've ever really known who i am. i've never doubted i would find me, but i always thought it would take something else. not this. never this.

so i abandon myself to the process of living. and laughing.
i remember how to nurture those i love, and find, i miss it.

there will come a day when my real life, my work life, makes this nurturing possible.
that i can be a mom and an editor. that i can be a mom and a poet.

for now, i'm just learning to define what i truly want. what i need.
the language doesn't exist in some cases, so i go with a color of feeling.

and trust.

always trust.

in what,

she asked.

in goodness.

fear and worry breed scarcity,

i told her.

gratitude creates abundance and peace.

i had two dollars in my checking account the other night. i went to bed, grateful for that two dollars. certain it would be well. i chose to trust what i need will be there when i need it. in the frosty morning, i went to start my car to drive my girl to the bus stop and it would not turn over.

start walking,

i told her. she took off for the bus stop.

i got my car running and made it to the car place where i also got the oil change i was right on schedule for (my pony is immensely considerate to wait to break down until i have time and money to deal with it).

so, we're good. the money arrived. the car is fixed. the kiddo made it to the bus on time.

that is all i know. i'm grateful. immensely grateful for every unravelling mystery. for even the unresolved that i will never comprehend.

but i trust that which is mine will come to me.

the help i need is on the way.

this time i mean it

i did what i could and had a friend look at my paper, it needed help. so i worked it over. this morning, the day before my deadline i turned in my packet because i'm sick of looking at it. i haven't failed yet. and this pleases me.

i'm not sure what's next. i'm just checking things off, trying to get done what needs to be done by the next deadline. i genuinely have so many it's hard to keep them all straight. there was so much i wanted to accomplish, but mostly, just not failing is enough.

the rest is gravy.

in the curious way

of my life, i have completed, at last, the critical thesis. i have dotted the final i and crossed the final t. i hope to get signed off and move on with my life. though i have one more packet to pull up if i've nosedived and am delusional.

it's been a strange week. i'm not sure i understand what is happening, in me, out of me, beside me, around me. but i don't need to understand. i am just grateful for friends who love me and make time to help me heal. i have not been a very good friend in this season, but i simply cannot manage more than my daughter, myself, and my school at this moment. i want to, but i can't. don't have it to give, and what i've got, i'm pouring out on my child.

she seems happy enough. i love seeing her sleep, so sweet. so innocent. i'm grateful to have her here beside me, fully aware of who i am. fully engaged in our life together.

i do not know what tomorrow holds, but today, the sun is shining, my paper is finished, and i will make a cup of tea and go sit on the porch. it's all good. every last bit of it.

what the

i'm not sure what i'm doing right now. hoping it all comes together, that the ends actually meet and i can move forward. i have been practicing gratitude lately. i am genuinely grateful for all that has transpired thus far. i welcome more goodness, more love, more trust, more faith into my life. but i'm not entirely sure i know what that means. will it be in ways i expect from the people i love. not necessarily. so, aptly, my daily horoscope reminds me of the buddhist principal of non-attachment, non-aversion. i'm not very good at maintaining that line, but i am trying. sometimes, i can. mostly, i lean more toward aversion. though my friends would say i lean more toward attachment.

it's a curious time when i'm home a lot. i'm supposed to be off my foot, and i am. but that means, what's left.

i guess i should go have breakfast with my friend today, i'm feeling a little caged.

i hate that feeling. everyone who knows me knows it leads to nowhere good for me.

so, i must get out. go sit somewhere other than here.

massacre

i've spent a lot of time, recently in my alpha state. there is a lot going on creatively, the major thing now is my critical thesis. which i can barely stomach rereading at this point but have to. i hacked off the intro yesterday and will begin trying to reformulate something. i'm waiting at the mall for an apple appointment so i can get my itouch to stop playing bad brains incessantly. i like them, but damn. i've got hundreds of albums on there, must i hear them every five minutes. i could just delete them, but i'd like a tutorial in this rather than trying to struggle with it. asking experts or in this case, geniuses is a much better idea for me who is lacking in both time and patience.

so, i have my thesis with me. i will take another stab at it today, and likely hack it to further bits. the scene is quite macabre.

meeting with my best friend today. that will be a nice change. i've spent most days home alone. my cats, most emphatically don't like metallica or blue october. no accounting for taste, that's all i got to say. but the thing is, my lady gave me a speaker dock for my ipod and the kitties have been skittish ever since. it took one day and a cat sitting in the window actually meowing in agony for me to connect the dots. come on, lars ain't that bad. bunny has adjusted, but this is, arguably, the first time the cats have actually heard my music.

on the cat front, all have been fixed or adopted out, and i have only three in my care now. much, much better than eight. i came home one day and there was a bunny, two teenage girls, and ten cats (four of them kittens) milling about my apartment porch. it looked like a scene from some bad movie. but all is well. we are moving on, moving forward. not reproducing.

so i am waiting for hot topic to open because last night i bought everything for myself one size too small. i can squeeze in, but i'd rather have breathing room.

then off to orange county for a day of hanging out with my bestie.

i must face my pages at some point. will do that when we're at her appointment and i stay in the car with nothing else to do. i must be forced to attend to my pages. sadly.

but it is progressing. i have the requisite pages and could conceivably hand it in, but i want this paper to rock. that's my problem. i want it to convey my meaning. not just meet a requirement. at the moment, it does not. i have a way to go yet.

but all ends well.

how does it?

i don't know. it's a mystery.

look me in the eye

it's about ten minutes before our reading, i'm here. not really feeling it because my mind is on other things. are these distractions, not necessarily. they simply are.

my friends cannot come because that is how it works in my life, the people i love do not generally hear me read though the exciting part about this is, my girl is here with me. she has never seen nor heard me read except her lifelong private reading which have taken place in california, arizona, texas, new york, anywhere we happen to find ourselves. it's something to have her here with me.

and so i move forward in my life, it is all i know how to do. to get through a day. to open myself to wonder. and to hold myself open.

i forgot to publicize this reading because my heart and mind have been elsewhere,
are these distractions, not necessarily.