floor me

next week, we won't even get off the floor,

sophie said, as if it was some kind of consolation for the upright twisting and turning she was putting us through.

true enough, we stayed on our mats the entire time. but she twisted our guts till they felt like they would shoot out our nostrils. i wonder if everyone else feels like a rusty folding chair threatening to snap. or is it just me.

though i am stretching deeper, seeing progress.

my mind has been a whirling dervish of late and i only wish it was to rapturous effect. but not so much. so today, as i fitfully woke from my fitful sleep, i found my way to nurture me, a hot salted bath with oils, lit candles and silence. just looking out the window at the trees.

i'm grateful,

that was all i said in that moment, i listed off everything, even the things that might not seem such a gift, but in reality they are, i'm grateful for it all.

i then, soaked and oiled, went and enjoyed a nice cup of japanese tea on the porch with my neighbor. i asked how he keeps his calm peaceful demeanor. he enlightened me.

positive mental attitude. after i learned that, i was never the same.

yes,

i told him about the internal climate.

we sat in the haze of a moderate fall day and spoke to the neighbors passing by, the landlord stopped to feed the cats, another neighbor brought me an article about teaching she thought might interest me.

it seemed the world converged and smiled upon that brief spot in the sun today.

and when it ended, i came inside and waded through the pile of dishes, found my way to the library, and retrieved my child to convey her to stage crew. she's there now, every day for a month or so, building a set for the coming play.

when her chosen school club was cancelled, i ordered her to join

something, anything,

and this is what she came up with. she said to me last night,

i'm glad i joined. it's fun.

i'm glad she joined too. it makes my heart happy to see her making her way in the world. to know she is making choices that will better her.

the rain is letting up, i was sitting out on the porch with the other neighbor who sits the evening shift, until the rains started drenching us. we ran inside, to our respective caves, and i'm certain we'll wander out again. i don't let a lot of people in, close to me, to witness my life.

they seem me come and go, they offer kindness, which i'm grateful to receive, and today, i realized, i need them. they are my neighbors. never really known my neighbors, till now. it's nice.

temple

i walked into yoga with sophie today, it was lovely, she's so kind. i said to her,

i really enjoy your class.

i don't often speak to her because i can be mostly shy particularly around people i really like. go figure.

and she said,

thank you.

i went on to tell her,

it feels like.

and i paused while i thought about it.

temple.

she smiled. and we walked inside.

today has been a tough day. but not unseasonably tough, just tough in that i am learning new lessons, trying my wings. tottering on a very high wire and am not sure i know how to get down.

sophie had us in eagle pose at one point and we corkscrewed our arms and legs, then she had us hinge at the waist while we stood on one foot and sight our prey.

go after what you want, the eagle has no enemies.

when you spot your prey,

she said,

unfurl your wings and take it.

it was a beautiful lesson i needed to live today.

i am learning a great deal. wanting to perform the tasks at hand and broaden my repertoire. so yesterday when asked if i wanted to go to the beach, i said,

yes.

i knew it would involve stripping and throwing myself in the water, but i did it anyway. the water was freezing. i needed to do that, experience it.

sometimes it is easy to stay home, stay safe, stay out of harm's way. but lately life has been calling me to grow. this growth involves pain, i believe all growth involves pain.

pain is not always the enemy.

we tweaked into pidgeon pose, a prone position pose where your leg, let's say your left leg draws up toward your chest, and your knee goes toward your left wrist, and your ankle toward your right wrist. your right leg is outstreched behind you with toes flat on the mat, then you rest your body, hips balanced evenly over your splayed body. sophie said,

surrender to the screaming hip.

that is what it felt like. i have to, on occasion, surrender. my mind doesn't know what is best for me in most instances, but my instinct, that core of my being, does. i am not always the quickest at interpreting these signs, and i have to depend heavily on trust. trust that there is some plan. some way things work out for the highest possible good for all involved.

i am trying to learn and grow. i can ask only for the strength of will and mind to be open to new ideas, to suggestions, to keep surrendering to the screaming hip and staying with what will ultimately better me.

i will say this, i saw marked progress in my life today. in a way that i could not have measured by other than adversity. that is the boon of unexpected turbulence. you get to ride it out, to learn how to navigate through stormy weather, and to find, that the sun rises and sets, the clouds break and goodness does prevail. eventually.

hello jello

last night's yoga class was subbed by john. john is amazingly athletic. when we were standing outside one woman asked me if i knew what he was like,

he's athletic

i said.

how do you teach athletic yoga

she asked.

you'll see,

i said. and left it at that. went and tucked myself into my favorite dark corner and stretched out.

as we were limping and gimping toward the door after class, i passed her and said,

see what i mean.

yes,

she replied and laughed.

at one point during class when john was putting us through the pasta maker of a routine he dreamed up, i said,

i never thought i'd be so glad to go into plank.

i hate plank. it is hard. but after he is through with his vinyasa torture, plank feels like a walk in the park.

i attempted crow, but was more like hopping baby chick than crow. my pigeon was more lopsided than ever, and he came up and gently moved my lower back so my hips were centered and floating. it was a graceful adjustment. he doesn't adjust much, but by that point in class, i was oozing all over the mat and completely out of form.

it was good though. i came home tired of mind and body.

sometimes that is what is needed most.

good for who

tonight sophie says,

doesn't that feel good

as we are twisted in some pretzel the likes of which this body has never seen or been before. i let out a laughing gasp, it was all i could muster, and the rest of the class snickered. my body felt like it was going to snap from the tension, but i just tried to breathe and stay with it.

at one point she even said we could put our leg behind our head if we wanted. wanted isn't exactly the word i'd use. again, i laughed. she said,

i've seen someone put both legs behind their head.

i am grateful to just make it through a class and be in proper form, the flexibility will come, is coming. but, like all good things, it takes time.

her classes are packed, except the night classes, so i'm going to do the night classes. i got nothing going on at night anyway. no problem there. plus, i get all my obligations out of the way in the harsh light of day. that works for me.

my life has fallen into a particular cadence that i'm beginning to let myself enjoy. i have to trust this is really, truly my life. that there is no turbulence up ahead, the captain has turned off the seatbelt sign and i am free to move about the cabin.

the wonderful thing is, i have the people around me that i love. my friendships are solid. my family is healthy. i couldn't ask for more. i am not asking for more. i'm just grateful.

there is so much coming up, very soon, that i need to establish some rhythm to my life now. now is my chance to find my stride. if i don't, i am not sure how i'll manage. i haven't yet found that flamenco class, but i'm sure it's there, someone will know where to send me. they always do.

the thing about it is, we don't need to know the path until we are ready to embark upon it. i may not yet be ready, but then again, i may.

i've spent a lot of time of late finishing books, purging excess from my life, cleaning my apartment. i'm beginning to feel some semblance of peace in my life. nothing weighing me down. trying to just feel that. to experience it. to know that this is really my life. i'm grateful to not have to struggle in the ways i did in the past, i want to never forget those times. they keep me humble. and today, as i was talking to my mom i realized, i was once the thorn in someone else's side that may be stuck in mine. leave it at that.

yes, it all comes around and goes around.

today dr. clarissa pinkola estes reminded me again of my true language. symbology. i had forgotten. sometimes i have to retrace my steps to be reminded of what would otherwise lie fallow.

i am grateful for this reminder. life is, in fact, in deed, in graciousness, good. it always has been. i just get to experience a little bit of it and hope to be able to share this joy, this peace, this wonder. it is uncharted territory for me. i can't wait to explore.

say what

what is there to say when good things actually start happening. i am sitting here giddy, i've finally stopped whooping and hollering about the news. it's just so wonderful.

i was just phoned, while i stood in line at the library, and told the news. that was where i let the first whoop slip out. the librarian trying to encourage me to shut up and get off the phone, as i just kept right on beaming and gushing.

please hang up the phone,

she said, though she was already done processing my haul.

i just got into a poetry master class in the city, it's a major deal.

congratulations,

she said. these librarians have seen the stages of my life, the growing of my child, the loss of my long hair, the marriage that ended in divorce, they knew when i was homeschooling and carted away crates of books at a time. and now, they know i have just finished my masters and got my dream job.

it's almost like family, except she just wanted me to shut up and leave.

i am going to have to learn how to write about the good stuff.

believe again

it seems i keep coming to this place, where i can divorce myself of my heartfelt beliefs or i can hold fast. cling to them as a morning glory does a chain link fence, climbing ever higher, ascending the neighboring tree and sending out a cascade of nurturing blooms, so hummingbirds dart about in the heights, and fat black bees, all crawl in to nectar full bellies and pollen laden legs.

so much beauty.

as i walked home from yoga tonight, in the dark, remembering there is a gorging bear in the area, he frequents the dumpster just outside my front door, imagine it's a black bear, i remembered he was in there, crackling in the underbrush, seeing me, while i could not see him. not only was it dark, i'd left my glasses at home. don't need glasses for yoga. or a phone. so i'm walking in the dark, and a firefly lights up. reminding me of the simple beauty of darkness.

and i went to the garden middday, the garden i've only seen at night, with her. we walked the rows of roses and sat by the fountain, but there was one large white blossom, i could tell it was a nightbloomer. something unafraid of darkness. and i wondered who pollinates it, who delights in its nectar.

so many different flowers that i couldn't see during the night, i could see during the day. i looked into the face of one flower that had a blossom as big as my head. it was gorgeous. that nature just does that. creates beauty for no real reason other than to be lovely.

so tonight sophie was gentle with us, but twisted us to pretzels, which was what i needed, because my back, even now has begun aching again, and i'm not entirely sure why. i realized when i went to cali for a month and didn't do any yoga that i was essentially my worst enemy. now i'm back and not doing as much as i could, getting used to this teaching schedule and all the activities of late, i just haven't made it my priority. but i need to.

so i believe we are here for a reason, in this life, not another. with the people who are surrounding us at this time. i must believe there is a reason and that as our lives unfold, like a beautiful garden in its own right, we will ultimately compliment each other, and learn to live beside one another in beauty.

i believe this. i strive to this end.

and when someone is less than attractive, when i am less than attractive, i try to remember the fallow season comes, the garden must be turned and planted again. the seeds lay low in the darkness, until the fullness of time. and the garden blooms again.

winter is coming. and it will be well. a time of joy and prosperity.

i believe this.

the weight of nothing

much has changed since last i wrote. literally. i have avoided page and pen in favor of eyes open heart open mind open. there was a lot going on. there still is, but i will attempt to find my way back to word. to that end, i have applied for a master class in the city. hopefully, i will be working on my poetry thesis for the next academic year in preparation for its subsequent publication. that is the plan. in conjunction with that, i will find a flamenco teacher and learn how to dance flamenco. there is one class but it butts right up against the thesis class and i lack the ability to teleport, but i know that when i am ready for it, i will find it. that is how my life works. i step out, the stone appears. not before i need it, not even before i extend my leg, just as i'm about to shift my weight to nothing.

then, the stone, as if it had been there all along, and of course it had, rises to meet my foot, to carry my weight, to further me along in my journey.

yoga was good today, vinyasa has been a challenge for me, but i'm finding i enjoy it more and more. i'm even knowing what comes next. i think that's part of it, not feeling like a complete heel, but moving with the flow. it makes one feel some kind of progress has taken place. and of course, it has.

we did this standing up, lift your right leg up and yoga lock your big toe, then extend your leg straight out while holding your toe with your thumb and index finger. then bow to your knee. a balance pose, i fell out of once, but i so enjoy the new positions. mostly i was able to angle down to the knee, but i haven't fully got the flat chest to thigh flexibility yet. someday.

this summer in california, when my mind was learning how to focus on the moment, in spite of the headlines (my own personal headlines, not the news, i don't watch the news), i had been applying for every job conceivable. trying to market myself. i'm not good at marketing myself. so, one day i applied for about a hundred jobs with this quick apply thing and it was so rediculous that i started laughing and i quit chasing after jobs. i just knew that i would have a job when i came back. i had written down what i needed in a job and was trusting that i would get it.

this is where the mind wanted to buck and spin wildly out of control. i cried some, i doubted some, i trusted more. i wrote a list of what i wanted in a job. pay rate, being able to take my daughter to her bus stop every morning, driving distance, dress code. i am never gonna be a dress to the nines kinda gal. as i said once long ago, i'm maybe a five, maybe that's pushing it. but never a nine.

so, i come home to an interview. i get through the preliminaries of the interview process and get bogged down in the references part. it's amazing how i have to take the SAT and pass with a score of 600 or better in the writing and reading sections, and the references are what held me up. the lady said,

do you want time to study,

i said,

no, let's just get the test over with.

either i was going to pass or not. true to form, i took the test, passed, and was ready for the next stage. well, life happens. one of my references never phoned in.

in the meantime, a friend told me about a job posting she had seen and i applied, post haste before taking the girls to a concert in central park. panic at the disco, incase you're wondering. the concert was lovely, and i knew i was going to get a call. i woke up tuesday morning and said to my lover,

i'm going to get a call today and i'm going to get the job.

sure enough, later that day i got the phone call.

let me tell you what we need,

she said.

the class starts tomorrow.

fine!

i said,

i'm so excited.

and i went in for an interview. she liked me so much she gave me two courses in stead of the usual one. she said,

i can tell you can handle it.

i said,

anything you need. i am available.

that's good to hear,

she said. and proceeded over the course of the next couple days to give me substitute jobs and an additional semester class. so instead of just one class, i have three. i hope for a fourth as things are still being ironed out in our department.

i am now an adjunct professor of english and teaching three classes. it's a wonder. a joy. i love it. it is my dream job. the kids (i know they are college aged adults, but i still call them kids), the kids are delightful. i can demystify the english language, the writing process and i can help them achieve their goals.

all told, i applied for the job on thursday, interviewed the following tuesday, and was teaching wednesday morning. that is how my life happens. without exception. i found i needed to withdraw my application at the tutoring gig (where i had to pass the SAT) and resign at the two papers i had been writing for, it was too much running around and i need to focus on my career now. i get to focus on my career now. that is the joy of it. i am in the door. miraculously.

what i could have met with dread during the summer, the thought of this time in my life, has become the best time of my life. dread wouldn't have prepared me for this season, only trust. only peace. i am grateful for this season, for the harvest that has come from the years of toil. that i have grown up.