awakenings

my love told me to watch this movie, an old movie, with robert de niro and robin williams. it struck me as the kind of movie that screams wake up and live your life.

i was comforted by the fact that i do feel i live my life. that i'm paying attention. that i'm feeling it. could i do more. of course, everyone can. but in terms of loving those in my life, i certainly do that.

in each of my classes this semester i would get images of the faces of those who sit before me and feel an obligation to them, to do right by them. and i tried to engage them. to respond to that calling.

as one class ended thursday, i got a hug, a few,

hope to see you agains,

one,

i hope you're teaching my next class,

and it was nice to know that there was mutual regard. the backward glance over the shoulder of a young person is significant.

i spent the better part of my semester sitting across the table from the kids in my writing course. the way i teach i engage them and their writing one on one. i look into their eyes. i listen to them. i read their words and ask,

what are you trying to say.

by explaining it to me, i can usually help them navigate their way there. it's the ones who don't know what they are trying to say that i have the most difficulty helping cross that cavernous void of wordlessness.

one young man would arrive late, fall asleep in class, and was generally out of sync. but when i found out why, i couldn't help but respond to him. he worked the night shift, then slept for a couple hours, then attended classes all day. he was trying to change his stars.

more than once, as i can see his eyes before me now, did i sit with him and say,

tell me.

and he did. he spoke softly.

i'm not entirely sure why people enter our lives.

a woman i know very well uses this phrase which i've tried to incorporate into my repertoire,

an abundant exchange of energy.

what does that mean. i'm not entirely sure. in a moment by moment exchange it could be thirty cents for the copier or twenty dollars for a cd, or my book for yours, or just presence. attending to one another's lives in whatever context we might find ourselves.

looking back over the semester i wonder if i served them well. i'd like to think i did the best i could. that i genuinely showed up. i trust that when one person actually engages others are obliged to or leave. the weight of actual presence has that repelling factor to it. if i can't show up for you, i won't. i will leave. that is how i experience it anyway. so when another does persist. slogs through the mundane to meet for an abundant exchange of energy, the other must reconcile that presence. or walk away.

walking away is one way to deal with it. but i hope to engage those eyes again next semester. the questioning, the bored, the delighted.

and i trust those that stay will meet me with their presence.

for an abundant exchange of energy.

trust into it

yes, i've a pile of dishes and need to shower, i just got in from yoga and have to go give a final to a class. but that phrase just slipped out of my noodle and i had to push pause.

last night's yoga class with sophie was divine. i couldn't get the easiest things right, because my mind was cluttered from the day, a good day, albeit, but there was a lot going on. i didn't find the bodywork so challenging though, it was more the mind work.

this morning, sophie teaches an am class which is the twin of the pm class. i had trouble getting up, bed was warm, dreams were intriguing, but i drug myself there and found my mind in it, my body, not so much.

sometimes when we're in a deep stretch sophie will say,

breathe into it.

let the breath take you deeper.

i try. yoga has the ability to make one realize what a rigid frame develops over the years. i'm still locked up in many ways, but find that if i just breathe and relax, i can slip deeper into a pose.

so my dear friend is struggling. i told her,

trust into it.

that is the phrase that got me.

it is pretty much how i live my life. when i breathe and trust, i can slip deeper into presence. into now.

huzzah!

sometimes good things happen. i'm grateful for everything, but the good things are really nice. sometimes, most times, they are also very scary. what happens when we finally start getting what we want. there are no more excuses. it's time to step up. then you begin to realize, this is a lot of work, being happy. at least that is what i've realized.

wait, wha--

exactly. i've found that desire fulfilled is not just joy. it is also work. it takes a lot of energy to do the thing you do. the good thing is, that thing generates enough umph that you continue to feel it worthwhile. after all it is what you wanted to do, right.

if it do not, then perhaps the work is about realizing what you thought you wanted wasn't really what you wanted. the reconciliation of dreams and ideals to reality. everyone goes through it.

so, no reconciling here, i'm getting what i asked for. it's wonderful. it's work.

i'm rolling up my sleeves and diving in joyously. though sometimes i tremble, that is part of the learning curve. that is part of the deal. just because it's a wish fulfilled, doesn't mean it's going to be a free ride (can i use any more cliches).

i'm grateful. that's all. just plain old fashioned grateful.

separate self

i've come to the stunning paradox that we are individuals, some would say,

alone till we die,

yet in the buddhist texts, at least, we are trying to stop separating self from other. yet, the paradox--i am alone, and in relationship, be it intimate or otherwise, i am together in my aloneness.

this idea, this reality, made me realize that i've never overcome the separateness in my past relationships. never even gave it a thought. it was how we operated. i retreated to my corner, he to his, or she to hers, depending. only now, do i find the piercing eyes of my other pressing in, even when i am most unlovely, reminding me not to let it take me out.

don't forget who you are,

she says.

who am i. really.

there are moments i think i know. and moments i'm certain i do not. this weekend was a mixed bag of reaction and observation. at least i was able to stay present in my sucktastic moments, and by that presence to observe what has come instinctively to me my entire life.

in short, to run. pack up, take off, head for the hills. and if i can't get bodily away, to wall myself in, typically with silence, an averted glance. so many defenses. it was hard to see through them, until finally, i just kept watching and found some words to describe what exactly was going on.

i came across this passage in everyday zen:

if we truly want to see fundamental unity, not just once in a while, but most of the time--which is what the religious life is--then our primary practice has to be with what Menzan Zenji (a Soto Zen scholar and teacher) calls the "barrier of emotion-thought." He means that when something seems to threaten us, we react. The minute we react a barrier has come up and our vision is clouded. Since most of us react about every five minutes, it's obvious that most of the time life is clouded over for us. We are caught within our own selves, we're caught in this barrier.

forget for a moment, the threatening initiation of this defense. consider only, as i was forced to, the barrier. i said at one point,

i'm walled in and can't get out.

because i could no more force myself to see beyond the barrier than a fish can live on land. it just wasn't happening. so i stayed with it. i languished. it wasn't wallowing, i wasn't berating myself, i was just watching things going through my head, hearing the past chime in, the future, for me is easier to keep out, i tend to be very now, but even the past wasn't so painful as it had been. that could be considered triumph if i hadn't had the awfulness of the present moment to contend with.

what i came to understand through the course of that most difficult night, was that sometimes, other will press in. sometimes, other will want to engage, even see you through the mindfields. :) i like that word. it felt a lot like that this weekend. like i was navigating my past, my habits, my defaults.

perhaps, having navigated them, and mind you, i've come to no resolution about the insult (or perceived threat), i have merely begun to be released from the stranglehold of my coping mechanisms. will i do better next time. i sure hope so. but we'll see. karma, threat, growth, all have their uncomfortable moments. my boss has said,

if you're not uncomfortable, you're not growing.

well folks, i'm growing. that's all i can say.

unsupported

it occurred to me while i was napping this afternoon that the majority of the word unsupported is supported. i aspire to be unsupported, to attain that, somehow, but i realize it is a complex matrix of support which leads to moments of un.

today in yoga, i was in bridge position, laying flat on my back with my knees bent, arms flat to my sides pressing into the mat. the first time we went up, i could feel the urge to go into a full backbend. so, without hesitation, i did. i flipped my arms back over my shoulders and up she went. i didn't stay there long. it was my first unassisted backbend of my entire life, so, i thought it best to take it slow.

i spent a bit of time this weekend draped backwards over a pilates ball. rolling back and forth, first my feet losing touch with the ground then my hands. something about this practice made me want to do the full backbend. and so i did.

my friends remind me to take care of myself, to reach out when i need to and ask for support. i'm not always the best at saying,

spot me.

but i think they can see when i'm floundering.

after we devoured my bestie's scrumptious persian turkey stew with walnuts and pomegranate, served with decadent home made cranberry sauce over persian rice, i began to slump in my chair. she sent me directly to bed with my partner accompanying me and the instructions,

do whatever it takes to make her fall asleep.

the mandated nap ended, and i settled into the couch between my loved ones. i've been working a lot these past weeks, but i'm in a new job, with many demands, and i'm trying to keep a roof over mine and my daughter's heads. sometimes it feels like the weight of the world.

but it is a delightful feeling, making ones own way in the world. attaining those un moments. i realize, they are within grasp only after i've been fully supported by life, by love, by the universe. the un moments are not where any of us live. they are the moments of the small child bouncing on the trampoline, the high flying moments of wonder. all that is required is a trampoline to propel one to such heights, and wonder ensues.

i feel a bit like that in my life at the moment. a lot more joy than i've ever known. a lot more presence and goodness. i'm still learning how to write about it.

seems i have about five readings fleshing out through the spring and i'm looking forward to them. reading is definitely my bliss. the moment of wonder entirely. the un moment.

in the meantime, i manage the city every weekend, sometimes finding myself surrounded by those i love most.

supported.

floor me

next week, we won't even get off the floor,

sophie said, as if it was some kind of consolation for the upright twisting and turning she was putting us through.

true enough, we stayed on our mats the entire time. but she twisted our guts till they felt like they would shoot out our nostrils. i wonder if everyone else feels like a rusty folding chair threatening to snap. or is it just me.

though i am stretching deeper, seeing progress.

my mind has been a whirling dervish of late and i only wish it was to rapturous effect. but not so much. so today, as i fitfully woke from my fitful sleep, i found my way to nurture me, a hot salted bath with oils, lit candles and silence. just looking out the window at the trees.

i'm grateful,

that was all i said in that moment, i listed off everything, even the things that might not seem such a gift, but in reality they are, i'm grateful for it all.

i then, soaked and oiled, went and enjoyed a nice cup of japanese tea on the porch with my neighbor. i asked how he keeps his calm peaceful demeanor. he enlightened me.

positive mental attitude. after i learned that, i was never the same.

yes,

i told him about the internal climate.

we sat in the haze of a moderate fall day and spoke to the neighbors passing by, the landlord stopped to feed the cats, another neighbor brought me an article about teaching she thought might interest me.

it seemed the world converged and smiled upon that brief spot in the sun today.

and when it ended, i came inside and waded through the pile of dishes, found my way to the library, and retrieved my child to convey her to stage crew. she's there now, every day for a month or so, building a set for the coming play.

when her chosen school club was cancelled, i ordered her to join

something, anything,

and this is what she came up with. she said to me last night,

i'm glad i joined. it's fun.

i'm glad she joined too. it makes my heart happy to see her making her way in the world. to know she is making choices that will better her.

the rain is letting up, i was sitting out on the porch with the other neighbor who sits the evening shift, until the rains started drenching us. we ran inside, to our respective caves, and i'm certain we'll wander out again. i don't let a lot of people in, close to me, to witness my life.

they seem me come and go, they offer kindness, which i'm grateful to receive, and today, i realized, i need them. they are my neighbors. never really known my neighbors, till now. it's nice.

temple

i walked into yoga with sophie today, it was lovely, she's so kind. i said to her,

i really enjoy your class.

i don't often speak to her because i can be mostly shy particularly around people i really like. go figure.

and she said,

thank you.

i went on to tell her,

it feels like.

and i paused while i thought about it.

temple.

she smiled. and we walked inside.

today has been a tough day. but not unseasonably tough, just tough in that i am learning new lessons, trying my wings. tottering on a very high wire and am not sure i know how to get down.

sophie had us in eagle pose at one point and we corkscrewed our arms and legs, then she had us hinge at the waist while we stood on one foot and sight our prey.

go after what you want, the eagle has no enemies.

when you spot your prey,

she said,

unfurl your wings and take it.

it was a beautiful lesson i needed to live today.

i am learning a great deal. wanting to perform the tasks at hand and broaden my repertoire. so yesterday when asked if i wanted to go to the beach, i said,

yes.

i knew it would involve stripping and throwing myself in the water, but i did it anyway. the water was freezing. i needed to do that, experience it.

sometimes it is easy to stay home, stay safe, stay out of harm's way. but lately life has been calling me to grow. this growth involves pain, i believe all growth involves pain.

pain is not always the enemy.

we tweaked into pidgeon pose, a prone position pose where your leg, let's say your left leg draws up toward your chest, and your knee goes toward your left wrist, and your ankle toward your right wrist. your right leg is outstreched behind you with toes flat on the mat, then you rest your body, hips balanced evenly over your splayed body. sophie said,

surrender to the screaming hip.

that is what it felt like. i have to, on occasion, surrender. my mind doesn't know what is best for me in most instances, but my instinct, that core of my being, does. i am not always the quickest at interpreting these signs, and i have to depend heavily on trust. trust that there is some plan. some way things work out for the highest possible good for all involved.

i am trying to learn and grow. i can ask only for the strength of will and mind to be open to new ideas, to suggestions, to keep surrendering to the screaming hip and staying with what will ultimately better me.

i will say this, i saw marked progress in my life today. in a way that i could not have measured by other than adversity. that is the boon of unexpected turbulence. you get to ride it out, to learn how to navigate through stormy weather, and to find, that the sun rises and sets, the clouds break and goodness does prevail. eventually.