poems.

today was a day of complete and total brokenness. it was a good day. a real day and i felt the breath of God again.

ruth 3

trembling moabitess
not of your clan
or country
sustained by
your goodness
feasted on
your favor
i know not
whereof i ask
or why
obedience
alone
bid me
take my
place
at your feet
cover me
with your
cloak
that i may
rest in safety
and rejoice
once again.



untitled

unable to stem
the tide
i weep these
many prayers
for you
sometimes
my brokenness
o'er runs
its bounds
the flood waters
rise
the incense burns
these many prayers
are gathered
up
until they are
no more




untitled

where is my bedouin
to lead me
out of this
wilderness
where is the one
who can read
the sands
where is the finder
of deep flowing
waters
where is my bedouin
where am i?

excellent mediocrity

i am finishing up brennan manning's wisdom of tenderness. it is phenomenal. copied six pages of notes from the INTRODUCTION. sigh.

he writes me this:

It's more important to be a mature Christian than to be a great butcher or baker or candlestick maker [or poet, i assume]; and if the only chance to achieve the first is to fail at the second, the failure will have proved worthwhile. Isn't failure worthwhile if it teaches us to be gentle with the failures of others, to be patient, to live in the wisdom of accepted tenderness, and to pass that tenderness on to others? If we're always successful, we may get so wrapped up in our own victories that we're insensitive to the anguish of others; we may fail to understand (or even try to understand) the human heart; we may think of success as our due. Then later, if our little world collapses through death or disaster, we have no inner resources. It's helpful to remember the value of Jesus' suffering lies not in the pain itself (for in itself pain has no value), but in the love that inspired it.

i am a fraud. a phony. my excellence is dull and pale. my attributes are smoke and mirrors. would to God i could just find Him in this season. find His feet that i may lay my head down upon them and weep with all my might. that i may kiss them and then, i know He will reach down and lift me up. yes, He will lift me up.

i wrote this earlier about the place i find myself in:
life is much the same here. we trudge on, trying to keep our chins up. i try not to think about it all. it is simply too inexplicable and too difficult. meanwhile, i try to do my best to minster to my family but find i have little to give. i am poor, blind, and weak. any illusion i had of being strong and rich and having words of life have long since vanished and i am left with nothing but God and the cold, hard truth. i can't say i'd have it any other way though, strangely enough. God is sufficient. even in my lack of everything i think i want He is beauty, fullness and peace. i am content. i do not wish to remain here any longer than i have to, but trust God to do what He will and trust that it will be for the good.

i am blind and do not see God's purposes in anything around me. i cannot fathom what He is up to and He has not seen fit to inform me. so in utter ignorance i sit and wait for my redemption. i stand and wait for my salvation. i know it is coming, yes, i know it is coming.

but it is late and i am tired.

alas, i hope.

i am fool
enough to believe
you mean what you say
and say what you mean
i am fool
enough to believe
nothing ventured
nothing gained
i am fool
enough to believe
behind the fame
we are all the same
i am fool
enough to believe
the church will not
shirk her duty forever
i am fool
enough to believe
a pastor is a shepherd
and his voice leads to safety
i am fool
enough to believe
a woman's worth
cannot be measured
i am fool
enough to believe
a man's strength
comes from God
i am fool
enough to believe
the Bible is not
only for scholars
i am fool
enough to believe
a widow still has a place
near the heart of God
i am fool
enough to believe
the orphan is Christ
incarnate
i am fool
enough to believe
all is not lost
or squandered
i am fool
enough to believe

the grinch returns!

last year i was so upset after christmas, so fed up with my own ungrateful heart that i proclaimed a revolution.

one friend said, that is so violent.

yes, i said and smiled, i wanted to throw down anything that got between me and God. to find Him. to go higher.

i can honestly say i don't know if i've gone higher. for all my brave words and talk of revolution, i do not know if i have ascended one mole hill above where i was last year.

i have a few friends who can tell me. but they will be gracious and i will say thank you and wonder.

my mom and sister will tell me. but they too will be gracious and i will say thanks. and still wonder.

this is not about not receiveing compliments, this is about wanting some tangible, undeniable proof that i have come up higher. that i have come to know the heart of God better. do i? really?

can you ever know if you've got a better handle on the inscrutable God, the unsearchable One, the Sovereign King. or is it when you've lost the ability to handle Him, which, admittedly, this year i have done. i've turned Him loose and watched Him run.

He is shadowfax who has ever and always been my ally and carried me through many dangers. His running is poetry. it is right.

this year, until two days ago when my mom sent us a package of gifts there was only two things under the tree, a candle my daughter made for me at girl scouts and a small package sent by my dear missionary friends.

i am asking myself, why is this bothering me? this is right. christmas isn't about gifts and presents. it isn't about shopping. although everyone everywhere seems to think so. i turned on the weather channel to get the weather report and twice within the first thirty seconds on that channel, they asked about or mentioned christmas shopping.

christmas is a marketing conspiracy and i don't know how to get around that. our whole culture is steeped in it. and i can't find Jesus in any of it. the kids did a nice little play and sang songs about Jesus' birth, but the weeks of preparation were frustrating and i dreaded going to deal with "those kids." i was relieved when it was over (how Christlike of me).

last year i decided if i never celebrated christmas again, i would be happy. but my seven year old decorated this year, and i sit in the glowing, flashing lights wondering, what the heck does this have to do with the birth of Christ Jesus my beloved Saviour? what?

i can't figure it out. i can't find Jesus in it all and it breaks my heart. the fact that i felt better when there was more than two things under our tree breaks my heart. i've come to understand my frame is but dust this year. i've come to understand my humanity. but it doesn't make it any easier.

and why are christians so opposed to saying happy holidays? to me, i would say: happy holYdays. these are supposed to be holy days, aren't they? i think that would mean more to me than merry christmas ever did.

have holy days friends, consider Jesus. tell me how to find Him again, i feel trapped in a season that is a marketing consipracy and i don't want to play anymore. i just want Jesus. i just want to go higher.

may you find Him as well.

theology vs. relationship

this is an idea that wanted to be written. a thought i had one day. as with all my other stuff, this is a first draft, largely unedited, i just find misspellings basically and move on. i have been told to submit it here or there, but i just don't care to. so enjoy!


Having worked under seminary trained pastors, and anointed pastors who are not necessarily scholars, (see C. Peter Wagner’s Changing Church for further information on these distinctions), and having attended churches of both types of pastors, I am of the opinion that right relationship will right wrong theology, however, right theology will not necessarily right wrong relationship.

Pastors and laymen alike, who have their relationship with Jesus as the impetus of their lives will, by virtue of that relationship, have their theological errors set aright. As we draw nearer to God, and the Holy Spirit leads us into “all truth” (Jn 16:13) wrong theology falls away. However, those who hang their hopes on their seminary degrees or defendable theological positions do not necessarily reap the benefits of right relationship with the Lord.

At churches and in books, there is a great emphasis on teaching or righting theology. What I see lacking is the intimate relational time spent with the Lord, demonstrated for me to emulate. Great divisions in the church are the result, I believe, of this focus on theology. If the body of Christ behaved like a body, was in true relationship with one another across denominational lines, then our theological differences would pale in comparison to our love for one another. Our relationships would overshadow our theological differences.

How many times has your theological position been changed by being confronted and challenged? How many times has the Lord revealed His will to you by having you serve, love, and humble yourself for your brother? I find the latter the most prevalent way the Lord deals with me. I believe Mary of Bethany would say the same.

Mary of Bethany sat at the feet of Jesus to listen to His words, because she loved Him. She was captivated by His love for her. Jesus never rebukes Mary for any of her theological positions. He simply loves Her and defends her, when she lavishes Him with her love (Jn 12:13). Mary seems to me a type of the servants and children we are to be. When Lazarus died, Mary fell to Jesus’ feet (Jn 11:32) where she was comfortable. She is a portrait of how every believer’s relationship with the Lord must come before all else.

Zaccheus was another sinner, tax collector, with whom Jesus shared dinner and relationship (Lk 19:3). What was the result of this relationship? Zaccheus repented, made fourfold restitution, and gave half his goods to the poor. Jesus was not about mingling with the scholars, with those who knew every jot and tiddle of His Word; He wanted relationship with the broken (Lk 5:31).

The scholars of the day, Scribes and Pharisees, were so well versed in the law, so pure in practice, that they would not eat at the homes of non-Pharisees, for they could not be assured some transgression in ritual preparation had not been committed (Mt 23:25). What is Jesus’ response to this lavish adherence to tradition and law? He called them “whited sepulchres,” “serpents,” “generation of vipers,” and asked, “how can you escape the damnation of hell?” (Mt 23:27, 33). Clearly, if theological knowledge alone were the way to the heart of God, Jesus would have mentioned it (or at least commended them for it).

What is the way to the heart of God? Right theology has been hailed as the way, but I believe the answer lies in relationship. Right relating to the Lord. Right relating to each other. When the Lover of our Souls came to earth, He did not only come to preach and exegete scripture. The vast majority of His dealings were the stuff of relationship: weeping for Lazarus, feeding multitudes, holding little children, and healing infirmities. Miraculous acts indeed, but moreso because in each instance the Pharisees were off studying, while God in flesh was relating.

Please do not hear that right theology has no value. Indeed it does. I shudder at the lack of basic Bible knowledge in the church, but know pounding theology and impressing others with my Bible knowledge is not the way to effect change. Right relating is. I am certain, that as I get down and relate to children in Sunday school, or discuss issues with other adults, or ask the pastor why he believes thus and such, through that relating, which has come only from investment of time and energies in the stuff of life, that theology is changed.

My way of changing theology is not the non-stop, surefire way, but it is, I believe, the way Jesus modeled. I have learned more from pastors and teachers who befriended and loved me enough to model their theology, to be the flesh on the bones of their theology, than from those pastors who merely exegete a few passages and throw a few Greek words at me. There is a place for the scholars, but I believe we have elevated scholars and theologians, setting them apart to such a degree we have lost ability to communicate with them.

The speech of the common man falters in a group of theologians, and only by relationship can the breach be bridged. Tim Attaway, a pastor of a Vineyard Church once said, “Get your seminary degree, then get over it.” Don’t try to impress the church with Greek, which has no bearing on our lives, but feed the hungry, dine with the unlovely, and be the shepherd of souls that will result in right relating to God and the body. Theology will then, by virtue of living example, be set aright.

poems

joshua 5:13

does
the captain
of the host
of the Lord
still make
housecalls?
when i
in trepidation
sit
contemplating
insurmountable
odds
does
the Angel
of the Lord
still arrive
and break
bread
sharing news
and fellowship
with the saints?
when i laugh
in disbelief
will He
ask me why
i doubt?
does
the righteous
King
still receive
peasants
shabbily clothed
begging bread
with no money
to repay?




untitled

i am sadly
terrestrial
land locked
comfort loving
craving
tangible
securities
i am oddly
otherworldly
heavenly bound
trial enduring
seeking
heavenly
rewards

old age

perhaps i'm showing my age a bit here. i have one grey hair (that i know of) and i am very proud of it. my husband says, that is only because i don't have more. but i wasn't sure i'd ever make it to "old age" and praise God, i am starting to think i just might.

so as this aged woman is driving in her car yesterday listening to alternative music, i kept thinking, what kind of music would Jesus listen to? heavy metal, alternative maybe? i like it, why wouldn't He? it has always stirred my soul. granted, the messages aren't the most uplifting. as i went to sleep the other night i could hear "getting away with murder." and another song "i could be weak, i could be stupid, i could be just like you." that is quite a message. one that reminds me to test every word by the Word. and to test the spirits as well.

i just can't abide with sappy christianity, or a sappy Jesus. He was not effeminate (not that there is anything wrong with that). He was not wishy washy and so heavenly minded He was no earthly good (i'm pulling out all the cliches on this one baby!).

no! and i hate it when people tell me what they KNOW about God. i always say, then He isn't that way. but of these two things, i am wholeheartedly convinced. so i wondered as i was listening to some driving rhythms, would God like heavy metal? then i could almost see Him floating across the crowd with a big pleased grin on His face. and i thought, yes. He would. not the messages, not the sin. but the sincerity and honesty of it all.

then i could imagine a mosh pit, not the bloodied punker kind, but the ones i saw which were more civilized, and i got this image in my mind of Jesus jumping around with others, long hair flailing, a big grin, then He stops and says, who touched Me? a modern day retelling of the gospel. could you imagine? could you see it? what do YOU think God would be doing if He were here?

so i went to check the mail and i get this oversized envelope from a ministry i "support" (although i'm broke, i have an iou on my refridge for the day i can truly support them again).

i open this large envelope and wonder what it could be. i peek in and see the last name of the ministry leader on a cd. my heart sank.

yeup, the ministry leader had sent out his son's cd as a "gift" to me (and the millions on his mailing list no doubt).

call me ungrateful if you will, call me narrow minded, fine. but i suddenly saw my "support" squandered. first of all, the oversized envelope for a CD. come on, how much wasted postage was that? not to mention, the cd itself. granted he got the pappa discount, it is still a lot of money. then, i am thinking, okay, if i were a famous person and wanted to support my son, would i do it this way? i keep answering GOD I HOPE NOT!

using the ministry letterhead and funds for the wanton promotion of your child's career is just sickening to me. the letter said something about "feeling closer to God when he listens to the cd." presumably, it could be a worthy investment in my relationship with the Lord. but my problem is the ministry funding of this venture.

if this leader really wanted to promote his son, he could buy the mailing list and send out the cd with a personal note ON HIS DIME! not on the ministry's dime. that is what kills me about ministries and churches. the heads get this notion that whatever they want goes. while i am a believer in the pastor being the head of the church, if that head is making bad decisions, SOMEONE should have the guts to speak truth.

i think i may just have more to say about this. until then, enjoy your age, whatever it is. we only pass through this life once. it is all a gift, really.

(one more note: i finally read the letter that came with the "gift" it was a plea for some $500,000. i emailed the leader of this ministry with my concerns. what good is truth if no one speaks it?)