get a load in

so,i'm lazing about, i who have no time to laze about, because the dryer and washer are both occupado. maybe it's not cool to finish off someone else's laundry, but this really fucks up my plans to not have this laundry done. and since i've already stripped the bed of my only toasty winter sheets, hell, i have to get this shit done now. so, if i can get a load in before i leave for work, i can come home on my lunch, throw it in the dryer and get on with the program. otherwise, no sheets tonight baby. unless i unearth the cold cotton ones i use in summertime.

don't want to do that. but when i leave my joint, i clean it and wash stuff. so i come home to a decent joint. right now, i'm stalled out with the laundry situation. though, i could be cleaning my bathroom instead of lazing about, but i'm tired. and trying not to push it too much.

tonight i close, tomorrow i open, then leave from work and drive up to boston. i hope i'm not too tired. i think the excitement might carry me, but i passed out at 7 last night and didn't get up again until 9 this morning. a wee bit tired, i'd say. it's the jumbling shifts that keep me fried.

so, my semester starts friday. i hope i get the mentor i want. that amazing poet who took me on last residency. she's the one. the only one i want.

the headache's finally letting up, that's good news. had one since yesterday and didn't want to take meds, but had to. ouch!

so, i must away. lots to do before then.

it'll work out, it has to

that's kind of my mantra. i don't know the details, i just roll with whatever happens. i'm grateful i have the life i do. everyone struggles, i think the question is how much can i enjoy this situation.

it's about the theatre with the right buttered popcorn.
the not exhausting day, when co-workers are laughing together.
the safe return of little girls, and the messes they make.
the long drive (or flight) to see friends.
the reunion of two sisters after too long.

i don't know how it works out, i don't expect to know. but i believe we get what we need, and some to share. we are given opportunities every day to make a difference. in the way we think. in the way we act, in the way we treat one another. that if we're lucky, we're consciously making these decisions. if we're lucky, others are aware of what's going on and conscious as well.

if not, well, there is never a better time to wake up than now.

i sat with a mom at my store today, she was so gracious and while she is struggling she mustered a,

go suzanne! i'm so proud of you

cheer for me as she left.

we cannot change the facts. only redirect our energy and receive the lessons that come to us with dignity. try our best to be kind, and love, deeply, those who are in our lives for whatever reason, for however long.

i know how to love. i'm ready to learn how to be loved. i'm not sure one can learn that on their own. but i think receptivity is part of it.

i'm looking forward to the new year, though i haven't figured out my resolution yet. i think i might have just hit upon it.

receptivity is a powerful thing.

it requires humility and trust. i hope my trend to trust the right people (hear: not the easiest people, but the right people for my life) continues. i'm sure it will.

looking forward. my new year begins with a drive to boston.
doesn't get much better than that. may the weather hold out for my journey. i have been favored thus far, and need that to continue. i'm sure it will.

i see my baby very soon. it's been too long.

ms. my baby

we got to talk a while today, that helped, but my heart is aching and i'm just trying to roll with it.

work is even more crazy than before, and i'm glad i had such a huge chunk of time off, since i'm working eight days straight. then ten days off. i'll be fried by the time i'm off, but it will keep me from missing my girl overlymuch.

while going through stuff, i found a little piece of paper with a boy's name and her cute little handwriting with his last name as hers. it was very sweet. made me happy to see it. at the beginning of the year she was so, no way! to the whole idea of boys. but maybe now not so much.

i miss her though. that's all i can say. i miss her.

today the met

i've never been, and in an act of generosity to remedy that, my best friend is taking me. i forewarned i'm a wanderer and will leave them, to go contemplate the asian art by myself. it draws me. something about it. they want to do greek and roman, and while that is fine, it is not my first choice.

so, i have to get up and get ready. i'm so excited to see the city at christmas. what shoes to wear? i don't want to be too hot inside, so i will risk less insulated shoes. or i'll roast. we're driving, so i don't expect we'll be freezing much. guess i'll find out.

the great dilemma is always for me to take the journal and accompanying artistic tools, or to go without. sometimes inspiration strikes me, but mostly, i've been infusing with beaty and just being present. not asking for works right in the moment. it certainly changes the experience to ask for works at the time.

my music is the second issue. but i'll be with my friend, so i'll likely leave that behind.

got my schedule for next week and ask i suspected, it's jam packed, i asked for as close to forty crammed into four days as possible. she got me to 32, but it involves three back to back opens and a clopen before my five hour drive (which is ill advised) but unavoidable. i thought to ask if there would be anyone willing to switch, and may, but i can't lose hours. so, we'll see. that will be rough though and that week will be about getting as much sleep as possible before the clopen. because the drive begins immediately after that opening shift ends. sounds dangerous to me, but there may be no way around it.

i'm grateful for the work, but wish it wasn't so erratic, my schedule. three opens a close and open, is just too difficult to adjust to.

but i must away, time to ready myself for the city.

so excited, can't wait.

the cost

do you know what it reminds me of? that picture of you sitting on a bench. i wish i had that picture, had asked you for it. before the madness that is.

but i'm here, alive. trying to live. trying to grow. trying.

i found this vacation that i made myself take was worth every moment. every single moment. i loved it. even though i was alone, it was priceless. and i got to bond with my dear friend. what else can you ask for.

not much.

the belly dance, wasn't too bad, i think. and the reading, went as well as can be expected. i enjoyed it. felt like i was doing what i am supposed to be doing with my life.

today she told me,

your creativity costs a lot.

yes.

it requires a lot of you.

yes.

not many understand that. they can't. but i've committed everything to this, it's who i am.

i can see it, i recognize when it hits. when you've got a poem. you get this look.

right.

it's nice there is someone in my life who sees me. someone i can touch and spend time with. we lay on her floor reading and giggling like schoolgirls today. it's not how we mean to act, it's how we naturally act. we just revert to type. ultimately, we're just girls.

and today, she kept telling me,

take a nap. you're in a bad mood, whether you realize it or not.

i was spewing negativity today, and wasn't easy to handle. i'm glad she could.

sometimes, i want only to be left alone, but that doesn't seem to be in the cards for me, because as much as i want to hole up and go it alone, i need her, just as much as she needs me.

amen.

the unnamed fish

so, i guess it doesn't bode well that my kid isn't even naming her fish anymore. i get home from a wonderful trip to find him nosediving in the bowl. sigh. i had to tell her, she probably cried. i could have found another one, fooled her, or tried to, but i'm not big on lies. that's just bullshit. so, i told her. she was none too pleased. tells me

that's eight now.

i tried to tell her

dad killed the last one,

but she says,

i blame you.

ah, perfect. i didn't want to take my fish to be sat because i knew i'd get lectured by my friend on the fine art of fish care, and look, it died. perfect.

so, i'll send him to his watery grave and be done with it. i guess i'll just buy her a new one when she gets back. since i already have a bowl and food. i was planning on getting her a second one anyway, so i'll limit the number of casualties by putting it off until she returns.

poor thing. i feel just awful.

oh well, it happens. he was beautiful though, and i miss him too.

let's play

leaving bright and early tomorrow morning for arizona.

so ready for this, so glad i'm forcing myself to play. it's time the donkey is set free the grinding wheel. i'm tired and just need to rest. all told, i have five days off in a row. without residency being involved, i'm so stoked.

work is now waaay crazy busy, and while it's good, it's exhausting. but i'd rather be busy than bored. i'm just grateful for it all.

today was fun and went by fast. i hope to enjoy the weekend and take it slow. meet some new people, and just enjoy them. see some old faces and get reacquainted.

teach me how to play.