gently, gently

we find who we need. who teaches us what we must learn in this life. it's not about ease, but about growth. i am convinced of this.

how many times have i run away scared. insecurity drives me away. but i'm trying to hold fast. to remain. to be steady and evolve.

it's terrifying. being this vulnerable. but i'm willing to hold myself open.
to remain woundable.

and i trust, that i will indeed evolve.

as my friend said to me today,

let it happen. don't try to make it happen. let it happen and become a poet of unsurpassed power.

which was nice to hear. that all this pain, all this confusion, all this doubt serves a purpose. even when i don't understand it.

i must let it happen and learn to be gentle with myself. and others.

gently, gently, now go and be who you are in the world.

i will be here for you.

not so bad

you make a lot of excuses,

she said.

yes. but it's more about understanding, than just excusing. i'm not sure where i stand at the moment. i'm having one of those roller coaster couple of days and probably better just try to keep the trap shut and get through it. they say, don't make any big decisions, but i always do. always do.

old patterns. tired of them. time to change.

i need to go to bed. i'm sleepy, but i feel awake too. mostly, i just want comfort. it feels like a bottle spinning away from my fingertips, as i'm splayed out as far as i can to reach it. but it keeps just escaping my grasp.

will i ever get it? don't know.

will i keep trying? better believe it.

good is coming to me. i know it is.

i welcome it. though i can't comprehend it. or sometimes even believe it, i refuse to doubt. too stubborn for that. and i refuse to be a victim.

life is about perspective.

i told my boss today,

this could be very demoralizing if i let it. i refuse to let it.

good,

she said.

i do feel safe there. that's huge for me. the more i learn, the more we share, the more shocked we both are at what has been happening.

i trust it will be well though, and that good people will prevail with good intentions.

sometimes they get screwed up, and none of us are perfect, so we muddle through somehow and hopefully end up together. trusting. believing in and for one another when doubt presses in.

i had my best friend tell me i'm difficult today, and sometimes, that's just what i need to hear.

i'm not perfect, i know this.

but when someone who loves you reminds you, it's helpful is all i'm saying.

keeps you humble.

and now, i must rest. tired. long day.

peace.

and goodness, come, i'm waiting.

run away, far away

i know why i leave. it's my only self protection mechanism. i can't fight the ones i love, so i let them win. i opt out. i walk away. let them have what they want, what they need and go.

i pulled myself out of a dream where we were together. even in sleep i can't escape. and i have to let it all go. to close the door. i cannot sustain it.

the issue for me is, i will not sustain it.

how then do i distance myself nearby, i walk away.

i go to silent unacknowledgement mode. i hole up.

some would call this the ostritch reaction, but i like to think of it as the way of it for me. i can't change the facts of the matter. i can only respond to them. they will ever be as they are, i will not. i will not always be here, in this moment. i will move on. i've moved on plenty in the past. time for more of that.

i'm just tired is all. this is not what i thought would happen now.

it never is.

melon rind

sometimes it takes only one look of kindness, one act of compassion to split me right down the middle like a melon so my juices flow. i couldn't stop it tonight. i just started crying when she asked. she heard me out then hugged me.

sometimes you can't have everything,

she said.

and before she left, we laughed. i tried to pull it together, but couldn't. so i kept back as far as i could, and let myself feel.

i don't understand any of it, but i know i must go through it. there is always something to be learned. and this time is no different. perhaps, someday, it will hurt less and i'll move on. that is what my closest friends wish for me. perhaps it is what i need to wish for myself.

there really isn't anything to say beyond that. it is what it is.

and i have to learn how to be present and absent together. distant and close. open and closed.

but i doubt i have the capacity for it and in the interest of self preservation will find the strength to walk away.

broken girl

i haven't called myself broken for a very long time. ages, in fact. but sometimes, i find myself doing the same things, the same ways, and have to admit i have particular bents. i head in a particular direction. i go down the same roads.

i am beginning to understand some of it, but by no means, all.

and by broken i no longer mean shattered. perhaps chipped is better, more suited to what is transpiring. i've got some things to sort out still, and so i shall.

so i will do what i know to do. purge what i can. try to hole up against what i cannot seem to change. though, change is inevitable.

and the chief said to me,

you've just made a quantam leap.

which, coming from him, is huge. i respect him. he knows the particulars of my life and is in the peculiar position of being confidant and witness.

i trust the leaps will carry me to where i need to go. that the destination is still unfolding, but certain. and with determination i can change my life.

sun thyself

summer is coming. the tanning oil is poised and ready to be used. i didn't spend a lot of time basking yesterday but some. it's better to begin poquito por poquito. but it felt good, like i'm alive. soaking it all in.

paper due monday. clock ticking down. i have to trust it will be well. i found a point i had missed earlier, and based on the response i got when i read the piece to my dearest i am going to trust that it is well and submit it.

such an interesting thing, writing. it's so intimately connected with living for me.

went and sat by a lake with a friend yesterday. it was nice enough.

he was describing the saftey precautions in nascar,

there are arm restraints.

.

so your arms don't get chopped off.

.
he smiled and looked at me.

well, they don't say it like that.

but i do.

and a neck brace.

so your neck doesn't break and your head doesn't fall off.

he laughed.

.

i'm graphic, what can i say.

he proceeded to describe other things and i just listened silently as my interpretation was not helping much. but he did remind me of a poem i had written years ago, which i'm going to have to cop a line from.

dunno. woke up with an idea which may not fly. i have to ask first. think later. then again, maybe it will fly. who knows.

i'm closing the store tonight and tomorrow night. at least tonight i'm with a girl who does her job well. meaning, i don't have to do everything. and she thinks i'm crazy, which makes it fun for me. guess my personality is slipping out a bit there. and that can only make it interesting.

my girl is dragging me to the mall today. i bought three outfits yesterday, two dresses and a skirt and top. they are so summery and sweet, i can't wait to wear them. need to find a pool and place to bask regularly this summer.

enjoy the noise

the chief says as he walks out the door yesterday.

they are tearing up the mountain again, and drilling right outside my front door. it's wearisome, really. i'm home from work, ready to dive into schoolwork and it sounds like a war is raging outside.

i guess i'll get out of my comfy pjs (i know, it's not even 1pm), and go to the library to get something done. it's odd how they time their breaks, how the breaks coincide with my not sleeping anymore or not being home.

i'm just going to try to write the paper, though i don't have any idea what i'll say. if worse comes to worse, i'll just go sit by the hudson and enjoy the sunshine. it's gorgeous outside.