dreams

i just had an unsettling one. sometimes i wake up and try to rationalize it. but when it involves the ones i love it's hard.

think about something else then, this doesn't address the issue. but dreams are just that, dreams, right. why give them any weight.

it's not me who weights the dream with meaning, it is the dream itself does that. when i wake with a heaving chest, though i wasn't so bad this time, heart racing, it's hard to ignore that. to say,

it was just a dream.

sometimes i just have to cry. to tell someone about it.

stress dreams,

she called them once. i try to remind myself of this.

but i don't feel stressed, not in the slightest, so what does the dream represent. some underlying fear, some inherent doubt i have yet to acknowledge. perhaps.

am i weighting it too heavily, perhaps, but as i said, it's the dream itself that gives it substance.

yoga was tough today. i was physically tired, but the work was full of forward bends and lunges, to the point of feeling like my body would end up in a heap. at least i made it through the class, last week, was a different story.

i'd like to say i got some spiritual meaning out of today's yoga class but all i got was shaking legs and a trembling body. it feels good to push myself, i can feel my body changing. but that is the difference between this and the other teachers, she is bodycentric. it's not a bad thing, it merely is.

i wonder what i would be if i ever taught yoga.

trying to figure out how to move forward from this place in my life.

all feels well, i had a genuine sense of well being today, before that dream episode. and it gives me pause. what is happening different. i'm watching a rather violent hbo series out of sheer boredom, i admit it. watching before i go to sleep. i should probably spend more time at the river. didn't even make it there today.

i'm thinking about my sister and feeling torn in my life, wanting to be near her now, but knowing i am here. this is where i live. i want to protect her, take care of her. shelter her for a bit.

so i'm going to spend an entire month with her, soon. it feels far away. i can only trust the universe to provide what she needs. to send the help she requires. to breathe life into her and strengthen her. i can only love her from afar.

i must remember not to be so far in my thoughts, to reach out to her and remind her she is loved, and safe. she is a powerful woman.

head stand

i went back to sophie's class last night because i was out of sorts. i needed to find my center again as i'd been thrown off. this time when we did the headstand preparation, i went ahead and lifted my legs into the headstand, with sophie spotting me, i was in a head stand for about 30 seconds, then got all wobbly and let myself down. but i did it. it was wonderful.

i'm awful, just atrocious at following direction, but maybe this will help. some of it is instinctive, you have to know where to go, what to do, i get all caught up in the words sometimes, and i'm grateful i'm learning the names of poses, and beginning to recognize the flow.

i didn't get into the writer's conference i'd hoped to attend in la. and while that saddens me, everything has a purpose. there is a reason for everything. so, i will still enjoy myself and move forward.

my work is getting stronger, though i am hesitant to share it with many people at this point because it is so close to the bone. lately, only my sister has been seeing any of it. and my best friend hearing it. she tells me to change this or that, i told her

she's quite the poetry critic now.

when she balks at yet another session of poetry reading i remind her,

it's in the fine print of our best friend contract, you have to be subjected to my work.

then you have to listen to my critique,

she replies.

i liked it better when she was ignorant these things and had no opinion. sometimes that's easier. though having someone argue with me about my work is probably good for me. i can see where i deliberately did or do something.

but, beggars can't be choosers. i would like to find some kindred community as at the moment i'm feeling isolated artistically. though i have had experiences i wouldn't trade, the rush of poems that come from the conversations i have with a dear friend. it's all still there, i just want to share it, willingly with others.

how does that happen?

i don't know.

so i kept having to breathe deep and still my mind yesterday because my baby needed to see the doctor. i don't know what it is about me and doctors but i get freaked out.

so yoga. then sophie led us through a quiet meditation at the end which helped tremendously. i felt lost before i arrived, and when i left, felt myself again.

it doesn't hurt too that she walks over and helps me get into position. we don't talk much, but she is whom i would model myself after if i could. there are not many people i can say that about.

she closes the session with,

when you are in the place of light, of love, of truth in yourself, and i am in the place of light, of love, of truth in myself, then we are one.

i love that. so true.

mat work

that's probably not what it's called, technically, but i make up names for things.

so this morning's yoga was wonderful. we stayed on the floor and did a lot of stretching and balancing from the ground. at one point we got on our foreheads and put our knees on the back of our arms in preparation for the head stand. i did it, held it and was solid. sophie walks over,

can you put up one leg.

no.

i laughed and let myself down. i know my limitations.

it's curious because i'm not the most flexible person in the room, nor am i the most adept at yoga. but the really hard shit comes easily to me. the simple stuff, flat back, following direction (:D) very difficult.

sophie talks a lot about the spirituality of yoga and this pleases me. i'm utilitarian by nature. i want my actions to be meaningful.

she helped me find my breath today too, which was huge. it was probably the first time i felt in slight awareness of my breath and able to begin to control it.

so i've put away the winter clothes, finally. and now i'm all ready for spring. still haven't finished the cleaning to do today, but it's been incredibly productive so far. when i clean my girl comes in the door and dances. it's so cute to see, like the energy of the place changes when things are in order. it probably does.

i'm excited about the coming weeks. the next month is full of little details before graduation. then i'm gone for a long vacation. i can't wait. i haven't had a vacation in ages. eons.

i plan to vegemetate regularly.

blessed mundane

today i will lose myself in the quotidian mysteries. tending the home the way i once did, years ago.

yoga with sophie will help me focus, she has a way of ushering in light. i can't explain it. she's not easier than the physical girl, she's just got a different approach. and she always says,

beautiful, thank you.

she plays yoga music and i'm able to lose myself in her class.

though one time, because she's european, she said,

put your hands on your shin.

i was on one leg with the other outstretched balancing, and put my hands under my chin and smiled, because i didn't realize she said,

shin.

i heard chin.

these things make me laugh inside. i'm such a dork.

last night was nee's spring concert, the end of her middle school music journey, essentially. the music was okay, i must say, i enjoyed my kid's performance best, but that's to be expected. i tried to be patient through it, but was grateful when it was over.

my girl closes her eyes when she sings. she gets very serious and deep inside herself. she wants to be a singer now. i have told her to play that guitar she begged me to buy. she is currently dabbling in piano, but i think the guitar is important for a singer. don't know what she'll do.

and when it comes to languages, the child is teaching herself japanese but they won't let her in a mandarin chinese class, because at the high school they don't offer level one classes in any language except spanish. sigh. so she's stuck in spanish for the rest of her time in high school. i understand, i didn't like it either. spanish was a pain. it's a useful language though, so hopefully it will sink in a bit.

the air has gone cool, but my girl tells me it will warm up considerably today.

yesterday was beautiful. my bestie and i went for a walk, ran a few errands, and sat on her porch. we've worked so hard the past week, trying to find some balance of rest and finishing the remainder of the tasks we've set before us is a challenge.

today is one of those days when tasks will present themselves and i will give myself over to them. grateful for the opportunity to meet the needs of my child. to be in this life another beautiful day.

steady girl

i am trying to get a handle on my energy level which is all over the charts and not in good ways. it feels as though someone just broke pool and the balls are skittering all over the field of felt in my chest.

are you okay,

the yoga teacher asked.

yes, i'm just tired.

i replied from child's pose. we were not doing anything horribly strenuous, but my body felt like a folding chair that would snap shut at any moment.

so i stepped out of the position and sank to the ground. stretched my arms as far as they could go and sank my head into my knees. my lower back felt as tight as my budget (har har!)

when i got back into it, i was wobbly, but still able to do one leg parallel position. i think because she starts with such long stretches of deep squats, and i'm beat already, that i just couldn't be graceful today. though coming out of the parallel leg and transitioning into tree was quite smooth.

but even in forward bend my legs quivered, and my body felt like a souffle ready to collapse.

i'm home trying to eat and ground myself. perhaps that is my problem, i've eaten too little and asked too much of my body for about a week now. i don't like to eat when i don't feel hungry, and i don't get that hunger pang thing too readily, so i have to start eating as a matter of choice, rather than necessity.

it's an interesting dilemma, because food is enjoyable, we need it to live. but i don't want to eat when i'm not hungry, and perhaps it's what i'm eating. i must rethink my diet. transform my life.

today i have to work, for myself, but still work.

but first, a hot bath. hot cup of chai with soy. some rest. then i will be ready.

find your breath

the sound of the rain, the moist air, the cool breeze. it's delightful.

i have a jam packed week, and today is just getting started. i have a new writing gig which will take me into new jersey and i find this exciting. the assignment is much the same as what i'm doing in new york, but i'm looking forward to what will develop with my new ventures.

my nee leaves tomorrow for a few days and i will be busily packing and helping my bestie move. she says i

calm her down.

i'm glad. i just don't see what there is to worry about. ever. curiously though, she has the same effect on me. when my center is revving up to intolerable levels, i can go sit with her and cry, or laugh, or just be silent. i think that is what companionship does. it absorbs errant energy. transforms it into something useful, or at least, tolerable. this is, perhaps the only gift i have to give my people. that i can be present to them. and love them.

i've started reading a new book on buddhism called the dawn of tantra. i would like to get it on my first pass through, but likely won't. i can be a dullard. but i keep reading because i know there is much there for me. even if i can't make logical sense of it yet. i found myself quoting the book repeatedly last night, and it makes me wonder if this detached reading style of mine isn't something in itself. i don't pretend to know, and this is a style of reading where i don't contemplate the words, i just inhale them. as breath comes in and leaves the lungs, serving its purpose, so does words.

i guess because i'm so deep in words already, i would drown in them if i anchored myself too closely to the words of another. let's be clear. i am awash of words as the world is awash of rain at the moment, or at least the world outside my window. myopia in action folks, the world outside my window is all that exists. but in some ways it is true.

the deep soaking rain, that will refill the rivers and cause levels to rise, that is the way words work with me too. they come, a deluge at times. and i can only stand in the midst of them and soak them up.

yesterday i wrote a poem, and it was delightful.

my bestie beside me, forced to listen, to first hearings usually, commented on how i did this or that. then said,

but that's not a poem.

i've come to understand my style is very much about the relationships of my life. the seeming insignificance of a glance, the power of words, spoken and written. my works are the way i convey my world and what is and isn't a poem by a particular definition does not interest me.

i have generated this critique before. usually at the workshop table, three hours long, ten days in a row. the larger discussion would be, what is a poem. that discussion has never yet been had. i have never been witness to it. far easier, i think, to level critique than to explore the ramifications of said critique. dropping bombs. literary bombs, but bombs nonetheless.

i will go now, try to find myself in my life and prepare for the tasks which will present themselves. i'm excited though tempered by an excess of thought. yoga this morning will hopefully help that.

today's teacher is very physical. she demands a lot of the body. she is intrepid. last week we met eyes. and i smiled. but i don't have the warmth toward her that i do toward the more spiritually inclined instructor of midweek, sophie. though all the instructors are excellent, there is a spiritual component that speaks to me. but i'm deeply in need of being in touch with my body. today's instructor will help with that. she will demand of me what i would not demand of myself. and i will give it. it is why we go to these classes, to be pushed to a higher level. it is why we keep showing up for the challenge, because it reminds us that we can do more than we think we can.

when i most want to quit, i breathe in, and focus. exhale slowly.

the breath is the hardest part of yoga for me. i am unable, as yet, to conjoin the movements with the exhalations and inhalations. perhaps this will come as i get more familiar with poses. as i find my center and move from it, through it, to it.

perhaps if i just start noticing it during the other parts of the day, i will be able to find it during yoga.

listening to one of my favorite audio books, zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance, and pirsig says,

being a sloppy thinker six days a week will not produce focused thought on the seventh. but if you try to focus on the seventh, perhaps the following six days will be less sloppy.

so, in a sense, today is my seventh day. i will focus on my breathing.

perhaps then i will find my breath

cave paintings

do you know what it's like,

i asked.

she listened.

like my mind is a cave and you've painted and carved images all over it. i have to look out through my eyes and not stay in my head.

she's there. she knows she's there. i know she's there. i try to do the things that need be done. tend to what needs my attention. and sometimes, we connect.

relationally, i've come a long way. i don't need traditional anything anymore. not even commitment. i don't really want it. but this living in a new way comes with uncertainty. it comes with a high trust quotient. trust who, you ask. myself. that i will know what to do when it's time to do it.

so i go climb mountains, and meet new people and see new sights, because i need beauty. i need to be embraced by beauty.

sometimes i can explain it. sometimes i can't.

and i live so far from the world of places and things. i walk in a presence i have never experienced before. because it is the only place i am safe.

and when she comes to me, and i open my arms again, my mind is free. my heart is free. she is free. it's something.

i have come from a very far country, it has been an arduous journey. but i would do it all again.

all of it.