what have i done

today has been one of those, wtf days. i called a friend and cried,

my life is ridiculous.

she said,

no it's not.

and proceeded to list the ways in which my life, in fact, matters very much.

this, is how friends have kept me afloat my entire life. when i'm foundering on the rocks, certain of imminent doom, my friends, my loved ones, say,

no, look. just there, help is on the way.

their eyes can see where i have lost the vision. they remember my course when the navigation has failed me and i no longer remember what the journey was about.

i get on a train in a few short hours, and meet up with another friend, someone who has brightened my life with her love. i will rest in her arms, and spend the night in her home, and trust the balm of affection to soothe me. weary am i.

there are a lot of things for me to figure out, some of them i am told to just walk away from. and i will, i am trying. but in the meantime, i stack the stones i've gathered along the path, and they seem like nothing. that is, until my friends come along and stack their stones with mine, and that amounts to something. together, i am reminded of who i am. who they are. why we are together for this journey. and it begins to make sense again.

trust is what it amounts to.

trust that help is on the way.

beach!

since last week's impromptu beach trip went so well, we're off to the beach again, sans stuff. we'll return home hungry and tired and that will be good for everyone.

my daughter is here now, so it will be nice to see her out and about at the beach, there are some tidepool caves i've yet to explore and i hope to get to that today. i need an adventure.

i'm reading a book called, a secret sadness, which has proven to be very enlightening.

there are a lot of things that i'm trying to change in my life at the moment. not trying, so much as, believing will change. my relationship patterns are on that list.

the thing about relationships is, they are complex. they involved people. there is no mold or copy you can follow, you just have to follow your heart. at least i know how to do that. but i would like to establish different patterns in that heart response than i've been inclined to follow in the past. i'm ready for my life to change.

so, i'm ingesting a lot of information here, which is good. i haven't had time to read for leisure in about three years. i am making up for lost time. still wading through thoughts without a thinker, which is also an excellent book.

my sister bought this book at my behest and i hope to read it before i leave. it looks like something that would interest me.

plus i still have one more from the library of my own that i have yet to make a serious dent in. but this is the joy of vacation, much time to read.

the weather out here has been lovely, last week after tuesday it was too cool to go to the beach, we were wearing sweaters. but it has warmed up again and so, off we go. my mom visits tomorrow. that will be nice, hopefully she will have my aunt in tow.

my nee is up, time to get moving into my day.

thank you

i say it alot. i mean it. i'm grateful for everything. for the love of friends, for the kindness of strangers. for the bump in the road that makes me pay more attention because my mind wandered.

so i'm finding myself in a place where i look to the multiplicitous effects of gratitude. the a few loaves and fishes points in the road where we must share what we have and trust what we need will be shared in turn.

that is always the trick, not hoarding. not amassing stuff.

i am acutely aware of this place, this crossroads in my life, the tin can outstretched and me holding my last coin. do i drop it in or hoard it.

sometimes i drop it in, sometimes i don't. but i always get the chance to face the can again. to make the choice.

times like now make me wonder if this kind of feeling, this kind of angst in my life is what fuels my writing. do i need trials to write. is it part of my process. is that gritty sadness all i will ever write about. i hope not. i want to progress. to change my stars.

the only way i can conceive of doing this is to be grateful for what i've got. the bad and good stuff. the lonely nights and the overabundant days. they are where i'm at today. and so, when i drop into bed bone weary, and rise before i want to, i trust it is for a reason. there is a point to this dance.

i don't understand it. i don't pretend to.

but i come again to the point of letting go. of resisting the urge to cling.

there are poems i must write, but i've never been the kind of writer who formulates a plan. and so, i've watched through my days for the whispered words in my ear, listened for the glimpse of a poem, but none has come.

i understand in some ways i have been afraid of what will come and that has never been the case before. i have always let myself just go with it. but i'm not going with it anymore. trying to change my life. but maybe that's the problem. i'm focusing on it too much and getting lost in the process of change.

i have sat down with my journal a couple times. jotted down a few things, nothing poetic, just my thoughts. but it's nice to not have to force myself to poetry. poetry must be allowed to come of its own accord. poetry must flow. no grasping. and these are the moments i wonder if i'll ever write again.

i know i will. i look at this last book and remember when it was just a title in my mind. i told her the name of it and she said,

yes.

i told her the name of this next book and she said,

wow.

it will come. and i will be grateful when it does.

on tap

big family picnic today, we're slowly pulling it together to eventually make an appearance. how long that appearance will last is the question. i imagine we'll have an enjoyable time once we get there, if we ever get there. and my nephew is packing a thousand water balloons just to keep things interesting.

i haven't seen my closest family in three years, haven't seen everyone else in at least ten, maybe longer. probably my wedding which was fifteen maybe sixteen years ago now, i forget.

how life goes by, we change and grow. i'm grateful for this, in some ways it's an opportunity for a new beginning.

i told my girl, after bickering with her a bit last night that i probably had one more time of threatening to ship her back to her dad before she got over it. she said,

no you won't, you missed me too much.

the bummer is, i wore a necklace of hers with venus symbols and i lost it at the airport when i went to get her. i'm was so bummed about this, and fixated on it, because i was going to return it to her and checked my purse (i took it off at secruity) and it wasn't there. so picking up my kid cost me a necklace, but she didn't care.

don't worry about it,

she said. i hadn't asked to wear the necklace and then i went and lost it. my bare neck still pains me, but i have her. i woke up early and just watched her sleeping for a while.

it is so good to have her here with me again. my heart is whole again. my heart is whole.

so for two more weeks, i am going to be here, with my family, with my girl. friends plan on visiting and since so much has changed in my life, i'm pretty locked into being at the mercy of visitors. my one friend is coming in from arizona to spend a weekend here and i told her i would spend as much time with her as she'd like, and she said,

all of it.

so, hopefully, we'll have a lot of time to connect. she is the one i belly danced for in arizona on her fortieth birthday. what a riot that was.

my best friend from high school lives out here and i will hopefully get to see her too. another friend from college, a masseuse, whom i may or may not see, lives so near it kills me not to see her. but as i said, life has changed the way things are going down out here.

it's all good. i'm grateful. staying in the moment. being with those i'm with and loving them the best i can.

it has been a hard road getting here, but today it seemed okay. like it was all, every bit of it, going to work out.

it always does.

au naturale

so i've been communicating with someone who expressed an interest in getting to know me and when her list of requirements included

waxes eyebrows

i flatly said,

um, so not me.

it's interesting the kinds of things that repel or attract people. i don't understand it. but i do understand fussing over my eyebrows has never been part of my schtick. and it never will be. not for anyone.

believe me, i have enough hair to tame without finding places to meddle. lovely visual, ha.

anyway, life is too short to have to maintain imposed standards. i feel that way about writing too. i think that is why residency was such a challenge for me. but, at least, i finally got to show my stuff. i got to stand up there and do what i do, and was told i

brought down the house.

this pleases me.

this is a picture of me before my reading, i wore my daughter's knee high converse to feel her near. she will be here tomorrow. so excited!


but now in real life, i have to figure out how to navigate my path. i've chosen the path of most resistance, and, well, no one is to blame but me. but i don't know that i would ever have been able to choose differently. it is who i am. i swim up stream. bottom line.

and finally, a picture of me after graduating. i'm coming to the conclusion, life is not an mfa program. which is a joyous and sad conclusion. i didn't think i would miss having to jump through hoops. the imposed community. the total lack of self-navigation. but i'm coming to appreciate the freedom the program being over has given me. i can do as i will. sink or swim. it is time for me to chart my own course, navigate by my own stars.

i am free. and always have been.

internal weather

i'm reading a book called awakening the buddha within. it is profound. today i read about how we create our own internal climate and stress, tension, and fear. these are all things we do to ourselves.

huge revelation.

i had known that about stress, but i had never made the connection with tension and fear. though i think fear can be reactionary at some level and so am not completely sold on the idea of fear being entirely self-induced, though i do lean more toward believing it than not.

went to the beach yesterday, we needed a change of scenery, so we loaded up the car and kids and spent a delightful day at the beach, impromptu. not carrying a lot of crap, not staying overlong, but just long enough for everyone to get hungry, burnt and tired. all of us got burned, yes, even me. i, who never burn.


anyway, it was wonderful.

today, we've spent the day cleaning the house, everyone, even the three year old twins were sweeping and dusting, all hands on deck and the place looks pretty good. so now it's on to other projects, sewing, job apps, that sort of thing. the way i start my day anymore, i spend a lot of time applying for jobs. my dear aquarian best friend breaks it down for me,

it's a numbers game. just do it, don't get emotionally involved.

i'm pisces, hello. everything involves emotion for me.

but maybe that is my problem. i'm trying to be less emotionalistic, yet, more in tune. tough line to walk.

today is a great day, particularly compared to the past week. one of the things my sister and i realized is that the way we approach things, look at trials has a lot to do with where the head is at. the emotions follow the head.

just got this picture of myself with my group of poets and it was a delightful residency with respect to the chemistry of our critique group. we got along well. not perfectly, but nothing too dramatic.


and of course, in retrospect, it was marvelous.

i look forward to the next phase of my life beginning. but for now, in two days my daughter will arrive and my heart will be whole.

after that, i will enjoy my last two weeks here and then begin to figure out what to do next.

at home in new york, who knows what will happen. i look forward to the unfolding mystery.

ill tidings

the morning carries with it some unfavorable news. news which can send me reeling into realms of the heart and mind that are scary at best, but my task today is, to remain in today. to believe it will be well. that which i need is coming to me.

i am trying to let go of things that must be released. trying to ground myself in the moment, in this day. but i admit, it's terrifying.

so, i will feel the abject terror of it, and move forward.

i have no answers. that is the bottom line. as much as i try to formulate answers, they do not mean anything when i can finally articulate them.

so, my task then. be present. enjoy the moment. let tomorrow settle itself. that is all that can be done at times like these.

and i must remind myself my daughter arrives friday. that is cause for celebration. she's been away too long. it was a necessary absence, but i am ready for her return.

it will be well,
i believe this.