not uncomplicated

blogger has changed an now i'm not sure how to format my posts, so they will be big paragraphy things until i can figure that out. :( tonight in yoga sophie said, the bhagavad gita says

to be happy, you must give away the fruit of your action.

this touched me, as i have many opportunities for misunderstandings of late. i would like very much to come across with pure intent at all times. that is not possible. not for anyone. so the best i can do is apologize when i blow it, forgive myself (that's the hard part, i so want myself to be flawless), and move on.

i'm busy writing a poem a day this month, and while i find it is not how i write, one poem each day. ultimately, the number count hits the right amount because i tend to write in spurts. i hate a forced poem. like so much ground meat extruded. blegh. let them come, in their own time, in their own way.

still in the research phase of my book, but making progress. school ends in just about two weeks. it's a relief. it's been a long semester. a good semester, but a long one. not uncomplicated by any means. i continue to find things that work and realize what i need to retool for next semester. i look foward to the two week break between now and summer session, because i will be hoppin during summer session.

but i can't wait. i love my job. i love my students. it's all good. even the unfun parts. i'd rather be doing this than anything else in the whole world.

(tee hee hee, artificial formatting gotta love it ;)

may readings

i just read at mass poetry festival, which was a blast, now i get word that one or two of my poems will be rendered in art. on may 12, 4-7pm, i am invited to read the poem(s) at the gallery opening. this is exciting. the event is called art inspired by poetry. on may 10, 7pm, i'll be reading with my thesis class at cave canem in brooklyn. this should be an excellent reading, no word yet on the details of how long, etc. can't wait. hope to see you there!

one of those days

yesterday ended up being good, relaxing. though it had a rough patch, i navigated it through my lifesaver, poetry. currently i'm doing this poem a day thing for the month of april. so far, i've had to play catch up a couple times, but i'm on track. seventeen poems down (started a day early). so, that's the good news. the bad news is, i have to process a lot of junk. i need to though, it has to come out somehow.

so we booked our cruise and i'm excited. i haven't told my girl yet because i'm still trying to make my point about the grades. it seems there is no end of struggle there, but i trust it will be well. that which we need (to learn) will come to us. i understand that i don't have all the answers, i just wish she would accept my word on the answers i do have. but we all have to learn in our own time and our own way.

i've been entering first manuscript contests and i'm submitting my work regularly. i'm grateful and looking forward to the opportunity to read and teach. my next gig is massachusetts poetry festival this weekend in salem. so excited about this. then, i'm teaching my poetic alchemy class. no word yet on my contemplative writing, but i remain hopeful. the work will come. the blessings unfold. i'm excited about these things. i have also begun working on my book about my writing process. the research phase is fascinating, i'm reading a lot about the way the brain works. the actual function of our grey matter. i'm not entirely sure it is essential to my book, but i think it will help, ultimately.

today, chores. school this afternoon. my writers have another paper due signaling the official near end of the semester. i hope to get many papers today and that my students have learned something in this process.

i have two courses this summer in the first six week session. i'm gonna be hoppin'. we will have to cover a chapter every two days, write a paper every week and have a test every three weeks. i do not envy those students but i trust that those who enroll will eat, drink, sleep, and breathe college for those six weeks to get through. i am sure they can do it if they try. let's hope they try.

so grateful, for everything.

withdrawals

so my girl brings home, arguably, the worst report card of her distinguished career. momma not happy. i promise you, she ain't happy now. i had thrown down the gauntlet some time ago, her last bad report card which was lifetimes better than this one. i told her,

if you get anything below a b, i will take your phone, too

(as i had already taken her computer, sending the child into withdrawals)

i am nothing if not true to my word. i am also a single mom. i cannot afford, in time or grey hair, having to deal with repeated misbehavior. my punishments have to be effective the first time around. i understand it was not effective last time, but this time, the child lost everything. phone, computer, gaming systems. all of it. her eyes were all puffy as she tried to tell me how it was the teacher's fault.

please.

what do i do all day,

i asked.

teach,

she says.

i don't accept excuses from my students, and i'm sure as hell not going to accept them from my child. so i walked in, bad reportcard in hand, and demanded the battery to her phone, her power cords, and the handheld gaming things she uses. she seemed lost last night, just hours into the punishment.

fortunately, i found out there is a way to turn off all calls/texts for her phone so she can have her phone but can only talk to/text her dad and me plus other important adults. she will LOVE that.

the child must think i was born yesterday, because she tried so many numbers on me, but as i've said. i don't suffer excuses. if she would take responsibility and show maturity for blowing it, that is another story. i would look favorably upon that. but this shucking responsibility is unbecoming. completely unacceptable.

so my child has the rest of her spring break to enjoy, disconnected from the matrix. she will have to read, or, god forbid, go outside and play. i am unsympathetic and she has no valid excuse. i'm glad i can leave her phone with her now though, at least she will have it so i can check in on her.

yes!

the effort to believe continues to take all my energy and focus. sometimes i grow weary watching the horizon as i do, but i believe in truth, love, and joy. that all beings may find enlightenment. that i, someday, may realize how blessed i am and live each moment with that as my only thought. as i do not do it now, so i try to look around and appreciate. appreciate all that is. even the trials. the ache in my left ankle. the piping hot bath with oils and salts, the burning candle and jasmine incense. it is all so very good.

i got two summer classes, a boon, a blessing. i will teach my first integrated set and i'm so grateful. i will earn in one six week semester what i thought would take twelve weeks, and to celebrate my loves and i will enjoy a cruise. a real vacation. i haven't had a lay by the pool for a week vacation in ages. years and years. and i'm so thrilled. i've wanted to go on a cruise for as long as i can remember but when i asked my ex, he said

no.

it is the time of my life when i am saying

YES!

an unequivocal unqualified

YES!

to whatever i desire.

this can be dangerous territory, i know. but it's been fun, and promises to be fun. some of what i most enjoyed from last year, the trips to the beach, the outings, i have found new companions to enjoy those journeys with. i will spend much time tubing down the delaware very soon, this delights me.

i'm grateful. for every moment, even the lonely, heartbreaking ones. for they have led me to today. to this blessed moment. and i am grateful for it all.

dreams do come true

i have to learn how to write happy. i really am at a loss. so many things are happening it is at times a whirlwind. i have a list of objectives and constantly cross them off and the list keeps filling up. this is just the beginning though. i have pitched my writing process workshop to a community center and it is presently being considered. this is part of that dream come true. just being able to be writerly every day of my life, every moment of my day, there is nothing like it.

one thing i am feeling though is an urge to write. to that end, i am making my biannual pilgrimage to create with the poets i have been retreating with for the past six years. i have missed about three of those sessions in that time, but hopefully now, all is settling into some kind of routine. though, to see my schedule, it doesn't appear that way.

there are other things i'm applying for and trying to get in to, journals, writing intensives, master classes. all of them to help add the beneficial stresses and tensions which will help me create my next poetry manuscript. as we sat in the manuscript class a couple of saturdays ago, we were asked the question,

would you repeat this class.

of course enthusiastic hands shot up and i just sat there like a deer in headlights. but i would, definitely, do it again. i understand that these writerly trials are what makes our work better, what keeps the fire burning so to speak.

i need better screens in my apartment, it's too hot to keep the place sealed up tight, and a fan in the window has produced a small black cloud of interlopers. summer is returning. with that, my longing for the beach. thursday is supposed to be beautiful, and i may just have to make a run for it.

that is, if i can cross a few more things off my list.

spaced out

i just finished revising, for what feels like, the zillionth time, a manuscript i thought i would never revise. though saying that, i knew it needed more work when i left my master's program manuscript in hand. that manuscript has fallen away and what remains is stronger, cleaner, and captures what i do. i will spend the next calendar year sending out this work for traditional publication. when that happens, i will rejoice. if it do not, i shall selfpublish it and move on to the next manuscript. publication has never been a big issue with me. traditional or not, it will be published by next year. amen.

the issues i finally resolved with this latest draft were my spacing issues. going through each space, poem by poem, and formatting them so they reflect the way i read the poems aloud. this took me every bit of three hours, possibly four this morning. it is a time consuming process. i'm glad it's done.

i had to deal with my use of Mdashes too, i found them to be redundant functions of the spaces, but i only realized that after the hours of dealing with spaces, so i have eliminated those too. of the punctuation that remains in my manuscript, only colons, an explanation mark, and apostrophes remain. save epigraphs, true punctuation is preserved as used by others.

it had been a long time i'd wanted to extract punctuation from my works. i have begun that process here, but there, there it is complete. now, we'll see how it plays out.

i look forward to the next manuscript, the next book, the major projects lining up on my horizon. this one has been years in the making and i'm ready for the next venture.