remind me who i am

i told my friend,

last night reminded me who i am.

did you forget?

no, sometimes it just helps to be reminded.

and so i was. but we almost got lost coming home, i turned down a street going the wrong way (literally, driving on the wrong side of the median), and that was a bad, i had to undo quickly, so i opted to drive over the median. i forget sometimes that i no longer own a jeep, though i drive like i own a jeep. which is the argument for me to have one again.

my jeep transmuted into my first home. which isn't a bad deal, it's just that i miss my jeep. have for a long time. but had an accident (which wasn't my fault--amazingly from what i've confessed here), and the car was close to being totalled, i wish they had because i never felt safe in it again (or as safe as i once felt in it). so i was glad to see it go. don't think i drove it much after i married, that was the unmarried suzanne's conveyance.

but it's time, i think, to obtain one again. i'm getting wild.

i forget they make the medians peak so if you do shit like i did last night, you will high center. fortunately, i have enough foolishness to attack it diagonally and we don't get stuck, just scrape the hell out of the underside of our sedan. sigh.

my pony can handle it,

i say.

as my guest (who i had probably scared shitless by then) said,

i hope you didn't damage anything.

nah!

and we made it home just fine. i am, perhaps, too bold.

then proceed to tell her about launching my car off the onramp. i bet next time we go somewhere, she'll opt to drive.

whatever. i like to be a passenger sometimes too, but it was an hour away and i wanted to drive.

sherman alexie is amazing. irreverent. beautiful. i can't say anymore about it here because this is my polite blog (if you can believe that).

but i was laughing the entire time. it was like a stand-up show, and i was grateful for it. laughter is healing. and i was healed.

one of the first things he said was,

it's good to see brown people here.

not many people say shit like that, and it is nice to hear.

quite a few ethnicities represented last night, which is also refreshing.

but all that race talk isn't "appropriate" but it is the kind of thing that gets noticed just never talked about.

he talked about it.

i love him for it.

unafraid. an intrepid soul.

standing up at rutgers, no less, and being utterly himself. it was a beautiful thing. i practically lobbed my book at him, feigned indifference is always the route to take. i don't like to gush over people.

so he signed my book, we chatted a bit, and while in line for his automograph, i saw a very heavy weight poet, and since he had to pass right by me, i was able to reintroduce myself and remind him i want to be his appointed slave at dodge poety festival this coming year.

he asked me my last name. (which is a loaded question)

and i spelled it out as i always do (it doesn't sound like it's spelled folks) and reminded him that my business card has a llama sticking its head out of a car and that we met at the poetry center in paterson.

yes.

he said.

so, i see myself at dodge, being his cupbearer, so to speak.

i'm not a hag, so if he just wants someone nice to look at, that will do.

i simply want to be on staff. i don't care how or in what capacity (she says that now). but i want to be on staff, i will be on staff. mark my words.

all this to say, it felt good, after slogging through work and school deadlines for months now, it's good to be back where i'm supposed to be. on the literary scene.

peace. out.