flame on

it's as if i'm wired for destruction. not moments after i wrote, i'm welcome, i grabbed the welcome mat and threw it on the fire. fortunately for me, my friends have come to expect this kind of behaviour and love me in spite of me. what can i say. we're all fucked up, i've said it before. nothing new.

all i can say is, i'm tired.

but tonight was a new experience. and while my kid is not technically alone while i'm at work, she is, in practice, by herself (that is, wihtout me).

i can't do that anymore. nights, that is.

so, i'm changing my availability as my boss seems to use the schedule for a punitive tool. and i'm tired of it. no one else is a single mom, they are all college kids, why the fuck can't they close? i'm done. no more closing for me. for this season. i can't do it.

so, we'll see what comes.

i bolted out of there one minute after the store closed, i had to get to my kid. she's so brave, so wonderful.

and i'm probably the worst mom on the planet.

and when a kid tonight said i was stressed, i didn't handle it well. i'm not known for handling that kind of thing well.

i said,

i am a single mom with a child at home and i couldn't reach her.

she forgets to take her phone off silent when she gets out of school, and it freaks me out.

but i force myself to stay calm, and at work, though every ounce of me wants to hop in the car and see where she is and what she's up to.

i have to be home at night. that is all there is to it. and three closes in a row are just beyond too much.

i'm tired of getting the shaft. tired of it.