went to the gym this morning, i'm on my way to work, but i have to squeeze it in. it's important. helps keep my head in check. and the ladies there love, LOVE to talk about food. it's a curious situation. i crank my tunes as loud as i can stand it, and try to just focus on the burn. on making it burn. but i'm not giving it my all, i think i may be a bit tired. i spent a lot of time in bed this weekend. just resting. i don't do that much, and it's nice to do it on a high rather than when i'm languishing in freakish misery about the latest thing i've decided to torment myself over. it's nice to just go to sleep and dream.
going into the studio weds. i was going to do it after work, but this is important to me, and i want to honor it. so i will make a special trip to my work neighborhood and do this right. it's the least i can do. i'm just going to read and see what happens. i don't plan much more than that on most occasions. but this one, i had thought about planning something out, but i'm going to let the moment take me where it may. i'll likely follow the path of my reading that i gave in the city. it was a solid set.
though i think i may have to add in some things that are not in stalking.
at belly dance class this week, it really sucked, we just did arm movements. i hate those classes because, i'm sure they are necessary, i learn something every time, but standing there waving your arms around for an hour gets old. and it's hard to feign interest in that.
though a girl at work asked me about belly dancing and i began to show her the isolations.
wow, that's a lot harder than it looks,she said.
.
yes.
and i only showed her about four isolations. there is infinitely more to learn. what with combinations and improving. it's a lot.
i showed a guy at work a poem i'd been meaning to show him for some time. but with all the talk of my upcoming reading, and customers asking that we host a poetry event SOON!, it's come up to the forefront of my mind and i'm willing to let the window open just a bit.
i brought out the poem called castles and kings. handed it to him and he stood on the floor while i went back to wash dishes.
you're writing about odysseus,he said.
.
yes.
.
i'm impressed.
his opinion matters mostly to me because he studies greek history. it's his major. ancient civilizations, i think it's called. so for me to invoke all this elysium bullshit, and him to stagger at it, was something.
oddly, the kid whom i adore, but no longer trust asked me last night to see some of my work. i just said,
hmm.
i don't know. i really don't. there's a lot of info there. he can get it without going through me, and if it's fodder for the gossip mill, i don't need it. but then he said to me,
i'm going to cut a demo and i want you to listen to it. more than anyone else here. i want your opinion. as a poet.
this is a great honor. arguably.
all i've ever wanted is to find myself among creatives, creating. it seems, somehow, i've stumbled into that scene. we're all just working the espresso machine to pay the bills. creating art along the way.
and i remember the reading on saturday, this man wanted my book.
but i have no money,he said.
.
it's okay,i told him.
it's a labor of love, not a money making venture.
.
thank you.he said.
will you sign it.
.
sure.
.
write, to tony with all my love.
.
no, but i will sign it.
and so i did.
it's a curious business. this art for art's sake. i know i need compensation, but my compensation is largely intangible. always has been. i figure, if i'm faithful to the intangible, it will cross over into tangible as a karmic necessity. though that is not the angle i work, for i do not necessarily believe i will be compensated for my work in this life. do i stop creating? to i hole it up and wait until i'm paid?
no. i can't do that. i won't do that.
i believe in my work, it will make it's own way. even now a volume sits in the poetry section of bluestockings in nyc. who will pick it up. where will it end up. am i ready to let this out, i wasn't a year ago, but i think i am now. i think i'm ready for this journey to come.
and my sister, even now plans to fly out to spend a week with me.
ah, sweet relief.
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