they found nothing, you are fine.
.
whew!
so that is it then. the battery of tests and people poking and prodding me is at last over. nice to have my body back. nice to be okay. i knew i was, i just had to subject myself to this in the name of preventative maintenance. like changing a fan belt, though i'm told there are no fan belts anymore (at least not on my car). whatever.
i keep waking up at 4am, head full of ideas, images, conversations. ones i must have. ones i've had. things that need to be done. i lay there watching it all take place, listening to myself speak to whomever it is i'm awake with, and structuring my sentences, verbally prewriting, essentially, for that phone call i will make today to tie up some loose ends at work from yesterday. it was a vastly rewarding day at work. i broke out of the barista mode, and was full fledged into administration. i dig that, it is a strong suit. and when my boss handed me the phone to speak to the corporate guys, i filled them in on the situation and it went on for hours, working out this particular kink. so i had to fax something to corporate and instead of just putting our store number, i wrote SUZANNE really big on the cover sheet, so he wouldn't forget my name. how could he, we talked several times yesterday. i need to call him today because there is, as yet, one thing more to address.
i ended up tracking down former supervisors from my store to get the answers i needed, and provided all this info to this man, who ultimately let it rest where i left it and said,
stupendous job!
which felt nice to hear.
all my boss could say when he reappeared later in the day (fortunately, because i had to keep going into the basement and had to be on the phone), was,
thanks for covering my ass.
.
he made drinks while i handled shit, and i loved it. now i gotta get away. move to a place where i can spread my wings. but this splash, this foray into administration will be a good thing. i can feel it.
several things were handled yesterday, and i met a famous psychic. it was kind of a fun interaction because i was making her drink and she was tucked away behind the straws and shit we have on the handoff plane. i'm the hobbit of our store, so i can't see anyone. my head barely shows over the machine, and i have to stand on my tippy toes to see over it and talk to people.
she was wearing big dark jackie O glasses. she looked a lot like my new jersey best friend, which is probably why i liked her. i'm not inclined to talk to everyone i make drinks for, i'm awkward in the chitchat department (as has been noted)
do you like the rain?.
yes.
.
you must be a poet.i said
.
yes. and i'm psychic.
.
i love the rain. i'm a poet, just had a reading in the city.
.
poets love rain.she said.
.
my work tends to be very dark,i told her.
.
mine too,she replied.
.
happiness is a transient emotion, i try to catch it but i can't.
.
but darkness, is palpable.
(i could have said that, it was like hearing myself speak)
yes.
.
i never tell anyone i'm a psychic. i don't know why i told you.
then we discussed her upcoming venture in the big leagues, and she said,
we'll meet again.
and, well, who can you believe if not a psychic. so, it got me thinking, i'd like to know a psychic, not for the cheap parlor trick aspect of it, but to know the mind, how it works. to hear how it happens. to see it in action. it's not so mysterious, i don't think. and in some ways, i think it is something quite natural.
perhaps that's why she told me. i think we know whom we can trust, deep down inside. i'm told the kid whom i no longer trust is regretful, and yet, it doesn't change anything. i still can't trust you just because you realize you blew it.
it made me think, either i'm wrong in believing gentlemen don't gossip, or i've mispercieved you. the weight is heavier on the misperception angle. and i'm sorry to say, i've given too much credit, been too gracious in my appraisal the character of a person (because i just don't think that's the case). but then, i can't be that harsh. i just can't trust this person the way i once could.
he's going to apologize,my boss said.
.
for what?
.
i don't know.
.
maybe because i haven't talked to him since.
.
you guys are such babies, you get mad and stop talking to each other.
.
no, i talk to him, just not like before.
.
you don't confide in him anymore.
.
right. i don't talk to him like i used to. i can't.
burn me once, your bad. burn me twice, mine. i'm not gunshy, just changing my priorities. there's plenty to talk about without mushing and gushing over all kinds of personal bullshit. though we are similar, him and i, that is why i wanted to trust him, let myself trust him. we share the same perspectives in many ways, or at least i thought we did. i'm grappling with some cognitive dissonance at the moment and not quite sure what to do with it. so i'll do nothing. i'll let it go. i'll let it be what it is until it resolves of its own or something happens. either way, it is where it's at. amen.
so, i envisioned a leisurely day getting to my closing shift this afternoon, but i got the call from el capitan that we had a problem. fortunately, i was dressed and ready to walk out the door. it was and is a huge miss. and, by the time i was near my store, it was handled, for the moment. i'm just glad it's handled, but we are going to have some splainin' to do. sigh. now, i've set out to work hours before i meant to, but did find a store with massage oils which i obtained. so, all told, not a complete waste of the morning.
it's a curious thing, desire. and there is only one thing i desire at the moment. but that, too, can wait.
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