what have i done

today has been one of those, wtf days. i called a friend and cried,

my life is ridiculous.

she said,

no it's not.

and proceeded to list the ways in which my life, in fact, matters very much.

this, is how friends have kept me afloat my entire life. when i'm foundering on the rocks, certain of imminent doom, my friends, my loved ones, say,

no, look. just there, help is on the way.

their eyes can see where i have lost the vision. they remember my course when the navigation has failed me and i no longer remember what the journey was about.

i get on a train in a few short hours, and meet up with another friend, someone who has brightened my life with her love. i will rest in her arms, and spend the night in her home, and trust the balm of affection to soothe me. weary am i.

there are a lot of things for me to figure out, some of them i am told to just walk away from. and i will, i am trying. but in the meantime, i stack the stones i've gathered along the path, and they seem like nothing. that is, until my friends come along and stack their stones with mine, and that amounts to something. together, i am reminded of who i am. who they are. why we are together for this journey. and it begins to make sense again.

trust is what it amounts to.

trust that help is on the way.

beach!

since last week's impromptu beach trip went so well, we're off to the beach again, sans stuff. we'll return home hungry and tired and that will be good for everyone.

my daughter is here now, so it will be nice to see her out and about at the beach, there are some tidepool caves i've yet to explore and i hope to get to that today. i need an adventure.

i'm reading a book called, a secret sadness, which has proven to be very enlightening.

there are a lot of things that i'm trying to change in my life at the moment. not trying, so much as, believing will change. my relationship patterns are on that list.

the thing about relationships is, they are complex. they involved people. there is no mold or copy you can follow, you just have to follow your heart. at least i know how to do that. but i would like to establish different patterns in that heart response than i've been inclined to follow in the past. i'm ready for my life to change.

so, i'm ingesting a lot of information here, which is good. i haven't had time to read for leisure in about three years. i am making up for lost time. still wading through thoughts without a thinker, which is also an excellent book.

my sister bought this book at my behest and i hope to read it before i leave. it looks like something that would interest me.

plus i still have one more from the library of my own that i have yet to make a serious dent in. but this is the joy of vacation, much time to read.

the weather out here has been lovely, last week after tuesday it was too cool to go to the beach, we were wearing sweaters. but it has warmed up again and so, off we go. my mom visits tomorrow. that will be nice, hopefully she will have my aunt in tow.

my nee is up, time to get moving into my day.

thank you

i say it alot. i mean it. i'm grateful for everything. for the love of friends, for the kindness of strangers. for the bump in the road that makes me pay more attention because my mind wandered.

so i'm finding myself in a place where i look to the multiplicitous effects of gratitude. the a few loaves and fishes points in the road where we must share what we have and trust what we need will be shared in turn.

that is always the trick, not hoarding. not amassing stuff.

i am acutely aware of this place, this crossroads in my life, the tin can outstretched and me holding my last coin. do i drop it in or hoard it.

sometimes i drop it in, sometimes i don't. but i always get the chance to face the can again. to make the choice.

times like now make me wonder if this kind of feeling, this kind of angst in my life is what fuels my writing. do i need trials to write. is it part of my process. is that gritty sadness all i will ever write about. i hope not. i want to progress. to change my stars.

the only way i can conceive of doing this is to be grateful for what i've got. the bad and good stuff. the lonely nights and the overabundant days. they are where i'm at today. and so, when i drop into bed bone weary, and rise before i want to, i trust it is for a reason. there is a point to this dance.

i don't understand it. i don't pretend to.

but i come again to the point of letting go. of resisting the urge to cling.

there are poems i must write, but i've never been the kind of writer who formulates a plan. and so, i've watched through my days for the whispered words in my ear, listened for the glimpse of a poem, but none has come.

i understand in some ways i have been afraid of what will come and that has never been the case before. i have always let myself just go with it. but i'm not going with it anymore. trying to change my life. but maybe that's the problem. i'm focusing on it too much and getting lost in the process of change.

i have sat down with my journal a couple times. jotted down a few things, nothing poetic, just my thoughts. but it's nice to not have to force myself to poetry. poetry must be allowed to come of its own accord. poetry must flow. no grasping. and these are the moments i wonder if i'll ever write again.

i know i will. i look at this last book and remember when it was just a title in my mind. i told her the name of it and she said,

yes.

i told her the name of this next book and she said,

wow.

it will come. and i will be grateful when it does.