Friday, January 30, 2009

more from nothing

has anyone ever tried to get more from nothing than i
not sure.

lots to say, no time. no internet connection, so i keep let it all ride, hoping someday to be able to make it here and write. here being the library. i brought my computer today to do some things and have a few seconds (literally) before i must away.

let's just say, my new place is delightful.

the chief and his wife left yesterday, so it's mine alone for about three weeks. huzzah. i don't plan to venture into their space, but they've extended the invitation. i don't intend to take them up on it. i'm too content in my little nook.

i don't want to leave there. which is a change. to not want to up and run out the door and be away.

my friend said this would happen, and that it has, is well, wonderful.

i worked at my other job yesterday, they called me in for eight hours. which was nice. it reminded me of a lot of things. and my old boss said,
suzanne i have a project for you!

and i said,
is it tedious and mindnumbing?

she replied.

and i said,

and so, i folded jeans for hours (literally). but they looked perfect when i was done.

and, now i must away, time she is not on my side anymore.

peace. out.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

seven T, not seven

so, i opened the store today, only my fifth time ever. which is not much, consdering i work almost every day and have for the better part of six months. i was due, shall we say.

well, i call in the change order and ask the guy for seven dollars in quarters but don't realize this even when he says,
do you really want seven dollars?
and i said,
because i wasn't really listening and i was doing the deposit at the time of the request.

now, if i had gone to the bank alone, i could have glossed over this error and none would be the wiser. but, in true fall on your face in front of everyone fashion, i had drug an asst mgr from another store with me to the bank so i could vent.

he was standing beside me and laughed when the teller busted open a roll of quarters and counted out seven dollars.


i'm a dork, what can i say.

i told my boss, and he laughed. i'll never live it down.

so, i have a lot to tell you, it's been a while but i don't have internet connected yet, and i am not sure when i will. plus i'm crazy busy, but i'm out of my ex-s apt, and in my own apt.

my girl is struggling but we'll make it through.

i must away. when i return remind me to tell you how long it has been since my last dentist visit. (YIKES!)

Saturday, January 24, 2009

tell her

if i could tell her what i know
scrape up a bit of powder and tell her it's fairy dust
would she believe, would i believe again
and in what? in sorrow, in pain
they are all we know
all we have known
in your absence

and i struggle to make sense of it all
where i am now, the road ribboning out toward the horizon
where am i headed and when will the hawk dancing in the sky
ask me to join him

and when will i fly
when will i fly

Friday, January 23, 2009

welcome home

i saw where i'll be living today. it made me almost cry when the chief said,
welcome home.

he and his wife have been so kind. so very kind to me. i am excited. and nervous. it will be well, i tell myself this. i move in sunday, and they are off for a month away. so i will be all alone for a while. this suits me though. gives me time to get settled in and i won't feel like i'm imposing lugging all my crap in.

i have time, and time is what i most need.

i must to bed. i'm waaay tired.

the house i'll be living in was built by the chief's grandfather. it felt good to be somewhere i'm welcome. so, so good.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

more time

he spent more time on me than i've spent in a great while. a customer at work offered to cut my hair, and i took him up on it tonight. i had been thinking about it for a while. i know, i mentioned it before, but it helps me to contextualize things. and so, tonight i went to see him, he was gracious, kind, and warm. perhaps those are all the same things, but very distinct in my mind. i felt herky jerky next to him, he glided around his salon. it was the owner who cut my hair, and spent nearly a half hour blowing it straight as a my daughter's. but i'll sleep on it and it will be gone. no one up to take my picture, and i've no camera.

i laughed as he was doing it, and said,
i'ts been years since i've blow dried my hair.

he replied,
it's not a crime to look good.

and i smiled. i understand where he's coming from, he's in the looking good business. but i've made peace with my looks. and i was pleased he didn't want to color my greys. he didn't even mention them, though i saw a couple of them stand up at attention a couple times. whatever.

i do feel beautiful, something about allowing yourself to be pampered, makes you feel worth something. i guess that's why people do it. and i've a poem i've needed to write for some time, maybe this feeling will help it congeal. it's an incredibly vulnerable moment, the one i seek to capture, but what else is new.

i don't seem to know how to write anything but vulnerability. so be it.

and my boss talked me down from the emotional twelfth floor tonight. though i wish it had been my sister instead. i hate to fall apart like that, but sometimes, i lose perspective, sometimes perspective goes out the window and i don't know what to do except fume. and fume i did.

so much happened today, it was a whirlwind, and maybe i'm just tired from it. that conceivably could have been every little thing that was wrong.

but then as i drove home, my girl called, welling up because sunday i leave.

there is nothing i can do about that. nothing except go. it is time for me to go.

more time will not change this. the situation cannot ever be improved, it must be abandoned.

but things aren't always what they appear. and my advisor had a very calming effect on me today. then i went to work. hmm...

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


tonight was strange, is strange. and i'm not sure of anything at the moment.

what to do? i don't know.

the questions seem to only increase. the answers elude me still.

perhaps it's just a low, i've hit a rough patch. perhaps not, i'm just so stunned by it, i am not quite sure what to do. so i'll do nothing.

and wait.

complete change

i'm going to do it, go to a hairdresser and let him have his way with my hair. i've been thinking about it for a while now, and, well, it's time. i like to change across the board when i'm changing so maybe i'll be a blonde next time you see me (doubtful). but i don't know what he'll do. we talked about it once, he said,
maybe keep it long.
but i don't know. he hasn't seen how long it is. he may want to dye my greys, and who knows if i'll let him, probably not. i like them. they remind me of where i've been.

so my ex signs over my pony some months back. the reason he did it was because he couldn't get his lazy ass to the dmv. he didn't (and still hasn't) changed over his drivers license, etc. though he's been pulled over, and has found his way out of many scraps.

he tells me last night to sign over the truck to him.

it's got half the mileage on it,
(and it's an older vehicle) i told him.

he says.

my pony is nearing the 200K mark. he put most of those miles on it driving it to work every day for years, now it's suddenly my problem. gotta love it.

so he gets the arguably better car (though i wouldn't give up my pony), i just don't know who to ask about these kinds of things. my lawyer, most likely.

i can see how sticky this will get quickly. but maybe if i can move out fast enough, it will be easier to handle him. maybe not.

i need an advisor and i simply don't have one. what am i going to do? so far, i've not done more than secure a place apart. i need to figure out what to do next, and, well, i just don't know.

that's my big revelation for the day.

i don't know.

what else is new.

three am

i've been awake for a while. i was packing all day today (well, much of the day). one part of it i just turned the foos off and stretched out flat and listened to silence for a while. did no thing, just was. been a long time since i've done that.

but in my opening of boxes which have been packed since we arrived, i unearthed a goddess i had lost. a little clay goddess i bought in college. i used to have her on the piano beside me when i played in texas, sometimes on the keys, sometimes on the wood surround. she was there, a ripe little figure of breasts and hips and hair. she comforts me somehow.

and i'd lost her.

digging through what i hoped would be nothing of dear import, i found her, and my heart leapt. she had been tucked away with several other important things, and now i have her back. curious, the timing of things.

so i've been packing and trying not to want anything, but then come across my daughter's first (or one of the first) tiny dresses, which i hang with a tiny slip that she wore under it. how could anyone leave that? and so it goes, the photo albums of her smiles as a baby. she has had a happy childhood, and i would do it all again, every bit of it.

though now, i'm much engaged elsewhere, it has been worth it, every bit.

i realize how children can distract us from what troubles us, and perhaps if we kept having kids, i wouldn't have had time to think about the trials of marriage. perhaps. i don't know.

but i'm going to live by myself for the first time. and this thought excites me in many ways. i won't be off on my own, and that is a comfort, but under the sheltered gaze of those who care. and i'm grateful for this.

i have been trying to live by principals larger than my own. which sounds strange seeing how i've essentially abandoned religion. but i don't know that religion is what i need right now. i was telling a friend, how i had to essentially divorce god in this time, to move forward. the paralells of that idea did not go by unnoticed.

it is what it is kids.

i don't know how it will turn out, but i trust it will all be well.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

sliver deep

it bit me!

i hollered as i walked down the staircase. a splinter burying itself into my bloodied finger. i can be such a baby about these things.

but it hurt.

it's still there, sunk in and comfy, i guess.

usually the slivers are just under the skin and i can dig them out (i tear at my skin until i get them out, actually), which i would have done except this one had a vertical descent instead of the typical horizontal. such is life.

we come together, the small crazy clan, that adores each other and do the best we can for each other.

i don't know. i don't know that any of us would do so well in another group. but that does not mean we don't have differences, and i had to spike my hairs and arch my back at a girl who was coming a little too close to being on a power trip. she backed down and for now, the issues are at bay.

it is another day, and i have earned another dollar, for which i'm grateful. light snow fell the entire time and it is so lovely to see out the windows. but i drove home alone as my sister was not available on the phone. so the foos sang me through the darkness.

one of my favorite customers said he's over the foos. and, well, i'm just getting started with them.

not much else to say, i want to believe that it will all be well. i tell myself this often.

it will be well. i believe this.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

home now

listening to the foos all day. wow, they're amazing. don't know how i missed out on them for so long. i'm listening to their patience... album (or, cd. whatever).

every song rocks. that hasn't happened in a long time. my sis and i, we disagree on the pretender, (lyrix) and the foos in general. she has her reasons for not liking them, but i say, how can you not? it would help if i actually listened to the radio on a regular basis, but i don't. i'm pretty much out of touch with all things contemporary. i live in my own little bubble, like most people, i guess.

it's strange, the way things are. we are here under the same roof, but i have to keep leaving. i'm just antsy. i think when i'm finally alone, it will hit me then and i'll cry and cry. sometimes i have to just stop thinking about it so i don't surge like the red sea chock full o'egyptians.

and then i go to work and visit. drink my fill o'chai. i love chai. i keep missing the mark on things because there is soooo much, so many little details, and i get one and another slips through my fingers. i've not figured out how to keep on top of it all. it keeps besting me. but my boss laughs and tells me to keep trying.

at least i've got that in my favor.

favor is a powerful thing. something i do not take lightly.

home now, she's abed, and i'm wide awake. i was supposed to go see a movie but it didn't happen. so i'm watching a movie right now, hope it's good. it's a focus feature and those are pretty damn good, the ones i've seen. my kind of out there movie. eternal sunshine is one of those.

there are no giant revelations or intrigues. i just want you back. every day, every moment that goes by, i want you back.

i sat in my chair at the library, or one close to it. there was a lady who smelled like dogs occupying my corner chair, and sleeping. why sleep in the best seat in the house? i don't get that. if you're just going to sleep, take a corner that isn't prime real estate. but no.

so, i sat off center, and watched through the trees, barren now and wordless. i saw a few hawks in the distance. and wished the squirrel could tell me where you've gone. how long you'll be away, and if i should just move on.

but i can't.

i'm making a good show of it though. my boss says it will just hit me one day and i'll be a mess. he's probably right. i'll kneel down behind the safe and cry, just like i did that one night. then i'll pull myself together and keep moving forward. leaning in to the wind and trying to find my way home.

(btw, love, love, love this song: stranger things have happened, lyrix)

the freaks came out in force

last night. whew, it was so wild i thought there must be a full moon. but no. it seemed like i got the gems and i let them get me. i've been listening to some tapes that talk about how if we think problems exist outside of us, that is the problem (steven covey, 7 habits--thought it was time i took a refresher course). so, with that in mind, i've set about being proactive (more than usual, which may be deemed outright aggressive), and watching my language. not using the language of defeatists or victims, but rather, empowered languge.

then, i get some customers and empower them. grrr. i know, it's the same old song. but i am always amazed at how people want everything NOW. i appreciate that we're in the coffee business, but coffee pots are not bottomless, and if you want it fresh, you may have to let me brew it for you. i swear, people will turn down a 24 minute pot of coffee and balk at having to wait for a new pot. whatever. it's really no sweat off my back except that this tends to happen when there are groups of people involved.

this happens because we brew small batches, to ensure freshness. well, those small batches run out faster than larger batches (really? yes). so if you stand in the lobby and talk for 20 minutes, then get behind the customer who orders the full pot of coffee, why am i to blame for that? any 20 of those minutes before you could have had your damn cup of coffee immediately. that you waited to order when there was a line, then frown disapprovingly at me for running out, it is not my problem.

but i got frustrated. and was so over these people. so i wished for some of my favorite regular customers to come in and make me smile. these are the people who realize it is not a perfect world and we are doing the best we can. in talking with a regular i realized maybe i'd called all these freaks to myself to challenge my new thought patterns (which were as firmly established as jello). and that realization came late, late, late. i wished i'd realized it earlier. but i just needed to vent, apparently still do.

it really is not the end of the world to have to wait three minutes for a cup of piping hot coffee (because that is what people want, piping hot coffee. and the brewed coffee people are the worst. my take is because the espresso people are used to waiting on a hand crafted beverage. coffee pot people are used to drinking the dregs of a pot sitting there for hours at home, so when they come in they want the top off a fresh pot.

i even had one man say, of a brewing pot,
i want that pot.

buying my entire NEXT pot, before it had finished brewing when the brewers were taken by other coffees brewing, and thereby extinguishing my entire coffee reserve, because these things are all on timers. what do i say to that? no you can't have what you want?

no, but the next guy, who invariably wants coffeee, because you see, when one jackass pulls that shit, the next douche in line pulls some similar shit. until i have them all either storming out or standing there watching me brew coffee.

it doesn't brew faster with customers standing in front of the registers watching. in fact, it ties up the whole production because they block the line and, well, i could go on forever, but these are the things that get me. and i am so over the brewed coffee thing.

i brewed several pots no one bought, this is how it works, if i brew a large pot, which i usually do mid-back up. no one buys it. but if i brew a smaller pot, because i just dumped the pot which no one bought, everyoneandtheirfuckingmother will come in for coffee at just that moment.

sigh. it's just coffee. but i guess that's the wrong attitude. and if i think the problem exists outside myself, that is the problem. or so covey would say.

it's a delicate balance, and i'm trying to find some way that works. essentially, i have to stand in front of the coffee pots and keep brewing them nonstop all night (yeah, like that is even possible).

i would just like a little compassion and patience. some of our customers are great, and don't balk or give us shit. we try, sincerely to never have them wait. but sometimes they do. i've just said why. it would just be nice if people didn't act like their coffee was the only thing that mattered. i understand it does, but when i'm trying to keep all the balls in the air (which involves more than brewing coffee) and one falls to the ground, i'd just like someone to kindly give me a moment to pick it up.

but i may be asking too much. not sure.

when i require of myself not to drop a ball, that doesn't work out either. not sure what the middle ground of this is.

Friday, January 16, 2009

freewill poetry

i haven't had any will or desire to sit down and write poems lately. i just don't write like that. but sometimes a poem rises up in me and threatens to drown me unless i let it out. and so i did.

first poem of the new year. long time coming.

it was hard, and i cried. but it is what it needs to be. i think, it is effective, but i've never gauged my poetry that way. i just know, when i came to the end of it, i cried. that, to me, is what a poem should do. let the waters flow.

and now, i must gather myself up and get about my day.

how long it has been since i put poetry first. since i put poetry anywhere except on a back burner or shoved it out of my mind because i've had no time.

my girl is wavering back and forth between sadness and giddiness. and i don't know how to help her now, except to laugh when she does, and cry when she does.

there is little else to be done.

i'm sure conceptually she understands the facts of the matter.

emotionally, not so much.

would i could make it right, but as the boxes start piling up around the living room. as the tangible evidence of my presence diminishes. as she no longer sees me for an entire day sometimes, she begins to grasp what i knew only my moving could explain. the finer points of being the child of divorced parents.

so be it.

i cannot stay. i must go. it is intolerable now and i must away.

the choices we make may not be "right" in the popular sense of the word, but they are, in fact, ours. i still believe i've made the best choices i could. and, in time, i hope the evidence will prove me out.

i'm sure it will.

but for now, i just rejoice that i am still, or once again, at least for today a poet.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

a little bit of snow

it is wonderfully snowy out here. and flurries are expected all day. the roads to work are hilly, so i should leave early, but it will be fine. it's the drive home that is sometimes iffy. i'm grateful i don't close tonight. home by 9ish.

i wanted to workout, since i was called by a girl at work at 6:30 this morning, i'm up and could stand a workout (i kind of slept through my regular work out yesterday, though the phone contact with work started around 6:30, too. what can i say, it sucks to be in management sometimes).

so now, i guess i'll pack some more. since this wee bit o' snow has kept my gym closed. i guess it makes sense, not opening, but then, it really doesn't. it's not like a blizzard or anything, it's inches if that.

i still like the cold, i find it invigorating. guess i'll get up and pack some before work.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

hold steady

sometimes i think if i can just hold my line a bit longer, i'll make it. i'll arrive. other times, i wonder if i'm just frozen from fear, and making excuses for not moving. but that can't be the case, because i am, in fact, moving, in every sense of the word.

it's one thing to be static and immobile. entirely another to stop and collect thyself.

i guess that is what it comes down to, being scattered. i try not to feel like roadkill, but sometimes, some days, i feel like despite my best efforts i'm all over the place.

i'm boxing up my life at the moment, and finding there is more than i care to lug around with me. where does all this stuff come from? and why does it accumulate so?

i don't want any of it. i need to just let it go, but right now, i'm putting as much of it as i can, in boxes i can lift. that is the key, not asking for help.

i'm moving in under a week my sister tells me, and, well, i plan on doing it all by myself. it's a big job and i'm tired already. but i've got to get on with it.

got to.

i made a big scheduling foible at work. my first. the first time my boss has trusted me to fix the schedule because he fell ill. and, well, i messed it up a bit. not irreparably, but enough to irritate the kids. and remember, kids are all i work with.

it's a fine line between pissing them off and coddling them. either way in either direction means they won't work, and that is bad.

it's frustrating sometimes, but i learned a lot from this experience. i'm grateful for the trust. i just hate making mistakes. i hate it.

perfection is not an option, i try to remind myself of this. as i bump into cars on the road. as i neglect the child i've given everything to. as i now have to work and work hard, work long hours. she doesn't really understand.

i don't know how to make her understand except to keep saying, i have to work.

and then i see the new things her dad has bought her today. always something new. this from the man who is feeding me the line about how broke he is.

it makes me sick, really, it does. but she's not aware of it. it's a quick fix. i know this, and i'm not in the quick fix business. plus, i have to scrounge every penny i can at the moment (not sure how well that is going).

i'm just rambling on now. tired, frustrated. in need of a hug. but won't get one for a long time. and that's just sad. but, it is what it is.

i must away.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


when summing up today what exactly it is i'm after, i said, comfort.

i guess i've been so uncomfortable for so long, i'd not noticed it, but now, it's all i notice. and last night i had some issues to struggle with, or maybe it was the night before, who knows, the days all run together...and all i wanted was somewhere cozy to be. did i find that place, no.

i think the thing about it is, i can't depend on anyone else to provide said comfort. i have to figure that one out myself. because all the options at this point leave me wanting, and i willingly walk away from what i know (and has lost the ability to soothe me--or lull me into oblivion) for being awake.

but being awake isn't necessarily comfortable.

and being comfortable isn't necessarily awake.

quite the conundrum.

i want them both. can i have them both? remains to be seen, but i'll do my best. and try to muster all the dignity i can along the way.

Monday, January 12, 2009

dive deeper

i didn't realize how deep it would be when she mentioned,
i think i lost my goggles by the drain.
we were in the eleven feet deep part of the pool, and i said,
i'll get them for you.
and down i went. since i couldn't see them from above the water, i had no idea where they were and had to feel around. i hadn't realized how challenging it would be. so i came up and shot back down before i let the gravity of the situation dissuade me. i don't like to be dissuaded. i like to do what i'm going to do, consequences be damned.

she said,
you're an excellent diver,
when i came up arm outstretched like the lady of the lake with goggles in my hand. she took them from me and i grabbed the sidewall, it was deep and i held my breath a long time. longer than i'd realized. i couldn't have a conversation at that moment, but it felt good and i felt strong kicking with all my might, powering down to the floor and grabbing those goggles sight unseen.

my girl was proud of her momma, and that isn't bad for a day's work.

when i arrive at the pool, it is always after i've been to the gym that morning, and usually, i've worked a full day (though today only six hours, my work is labor intensive). i tend to use a noodle to take the work out of swimming, because i'm so tired i can hardly stay afloat. and i've lost so much weight, i sank to the bottom the last time my girl jumped on my back. though i'm hardly skin and bones, i've reached the sink end of the bouyancy scale.

so i drag my tired body across the pool, making my girl do laps for a half hour before i will let her play. do i need the workout, no. of course not. but i can't sit on the sidelines and watch, besides, it's swimming and i'm a pisces. all water and foam. it's my element.

so we swim and swim and swim.

and today i got to dive.

i hadn't had to do that in a great while. when we went to the pool in the summer we dove a lot because it was my girl's diversion. she would throw her diving toys in, and this was before she gained confidence, i would hold my breath and dive down with her while she got the toys and swim beside her as she collected them. but diving in five feet is very different than blindly diving in eleven. only, i hadn't realized it when i began. and i think this is what saves me. my naivete.

tonight at work i had to break some tough news to another supervisor who is struggling with a great deal. and she was just frustrated and so i broke it down for her. i told her,
i can't reconcile where this company (or any company, for that matter) is at, so i do what i can to make your life easier, to make my boss' life easier, to make our partners' lives easier.
that i can do. those little kindnesses are all i can manage somedays (and somedays not, i'm by no means perfect). but that is what gets me through this. the corporate situation is too much for me to contemplate, so i see what i can do to make your life easier.

i don't know if it helped. though she was smiling when i left. granted, i was singing,
you're the one that i want, ooh hoo hoo, honey!
from grease. and undulating my hips. but she was smiling. that is all we can hope for somedays. a smile.

folks, i don't know what will happen. but i trust that it will be well. that if we make the lives of those closest to us, by that i mean, in our proximity, that is all we can do. and if we each do this, utter little truths, speak in great kindnesses, trust in abundance, then it will be well, regardless. even if it gets tough.

i have to believe. i'm still not sure in what. but i have to believe it will be well. it must be well. it shall be well.

i believe this.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

text me

my ex is about ready to blow a gasket with all the texting going on with me lately. i can't help it. that is what people do. i'm still weird and awkward with it, but whatever. then i get one that makes me grin from ear to ear. of course i'm going to keep enjoying it, even if i get grief about it.

i started packing today, took my dishes and utensils, all the stuff my grams gave me and i found it curious that all the "serveware" as we call it in food service, belongs to me (or at least is going with me) and all the knives belong to him. i found it interesting to note.

i'm still in need of a great deal of encouragement and comfort, but i'm finding it poquito por poquito and i just have to go with it. i'm not trying to do anyting in particular, but when something feels good, i let it feel good. and this, perhaps, is a problem. but for now, it is where it's at.

i'm entering a hedonistic phase similiar to when i was in college, i guess.

watching a movie, it's 11:30, so i'll be up waay late. and, well, this is how it goes when i close. i was supposed to become an opener, but looks like i'll be the closer indefinately. i'm fine with it, really. i know all the customers, they know me. they are surprised when they see me in the am, and miss me when i'm gone at night.

which makes me happy. this one guy keeps saying,
do you sleep here?

it feels like it sometimes. i'm always, always, always at work. but my boss is comfortable with me there when he's not because i don't let anyone get away with anything. and the kids like working with me, so it works out well.

someday, i'll have to get a real job, but for now, i'll stay where i'm happy. and see where it leads.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

write me

my sister doesn't write much, though she is who started me down the writing road. she used to write, poems, and read shakespeare. she is why i love shakespeare. i always wanted to catch up with her in the literary realm.

well, now, on ocassion, by a lark, as they might say, she writes something down. and, well, it made me cry.

i go back and forth between being too tired to cry, and being too tired not to cry. i'm in one of those too tired to cry phases right now. i just feel unmoved by pretty much everything. until i read her words.

her plaintive cry so clearly laid out, so cutting and raw. and the tears just came. i told her,
you must write more.

but she doesn't have time on her side, with six kids she is devoted to. and an actual family life. her husband adores her and she him. they have it all.

which is why i suffocate when i'm there, i love being there, i love being with them, but i can't handle it many times because it's so not where i'm at. my agenda is so much different. i guess when i go there and take off visiting, which i'm inclined to do, it helps me feel a part of my life there. to reconnect with friends there, to find lost loves there.

when i don't do that, i come home gasping for air because it is all honeysuckle and roses. i guess that is a good feeling, one we want when we go visit familia. we want to be embraced, smothered even. at least that is how my family is. and so, when i come home and am a free agent again, i fall over from leaning so hard into the one i've hugged the past week or so.

it's tough.

but this wasn't where i was headed with this. i've gone far off track.

and today i will try to find my way to the nation who will embrace me. try to spend the day not thinking about work, not visiting work, because i need to have a day off now and again. and actually take it.

i think my home, more than anything, is the source of my great exhaustion. i have so many hopes, had so many ideas about what was going to occur, and all i have are empty spaces.

i'm told the apartment i'm renting is furnished, which is nice because i have nothing. i imagined a room full of pillows and i would be very middle eastern or asian in that sense. i don't mind floorsitting, in fact, i prefer it when it comes right down to it. guests like furniture i think.

that one apartment i looked at and really wanted, it had a room with all wood floors which i would have left mostly unfurnished so i could dance. it was the perfect dance studio room. but that will have to wait.

for now, i am going in another direction. and trying to find my way there from kindness to kindness. mine and another's. so far, the remedy is holding and even the people at work seem to understand there's something special going on.

i try to remember a few names each time i work, and greet these customers by name. it's tough, but it is happening slowly. people light up when you call their name, i understand this. and we need business. we've been doing better than we had been, and i think it is because people feel we're genuine. i like to believe that how we live our lives means something in this world. that the work of our hands does not go unnoticed, and when you care, others respond in kind. that is what i tell myself.

morbidly optimistic, i call it. because it makes me laugh. and i need to laugh. today more than any, when tears have found me again.

Friday, January 09, 2009

my home

curiously, i secured a place without knowing where it is. true to form, leap then look. that is how i live my life for the most part. so i had to ask, now that i've confirmed that i am in fact going there. and the reply i got was,
your new home is...

and it made me almost cry (i think i'm too tired to cry).

my new home. may it be so. may it be a place of peace, a refuge. it is tucked in the cleft a of a mountain. still in ny. so i won't lose my residency or have to change my plates, very pragmatic, i know.

i would like a glimpse in the future.

and the gentleman i always think is you, is not, came in tonight. and i wished he were you. and i spoke to him as if he were you before me. i looked into his eyes but they did not embrace me as yours would. and i wished again, for you. as i find myself always wishing, for you. only for you.

and i get angry now when i see a hawk. i feel like they are mocking me.

i've lost perspective. i don't know how to get it back.

i'm just going with it. and feeling what i feel.

maybe my new home will be an actual home, where i can figure out what to do next.

i hope so.


so, i'm a distracted driver. you knew this. i knew this. it is no surprise then that i rear ended someone. fortunately we were both at a dead stop before it happened and she had a heavy duty bumper. :D bless the gods for towing hitches. so while my license plate is now concave, her car is fine.

and i breathe a sigh of relief.

all i could see was me doing something dumb to my car and needing to get it fixed. but it is fine. my pony is strong.

for that i'm grateful.

it's strange, my girl is at school. literally. we're no longer homeschooling, and that is odd. i didn't take her, either. and that, too is odd.

everything is changing. and i'm on the fringes of what used to be my life wondering when it will look like someplace i want to be again (my life that is, not what used to be. there is no going back there for me).

a good long drive up to vermont will do me good. i need to start packing, too. culling some things i'll need and throwing most of what i have away. why lug it around.

marion woodman would say,
we go through these birthing canals and we can't bring anything with us.
that is very much what this feels like. it's frightening in one sense because it's unfamiliar, but it's exciting in another because it's unfamiliar.

the stuff i really want to leave behind are my destructive patterns. i'm ready to change my life entirely. but now i'm on this work sleep work sleep hamster wheel and i know my kid is getting angry about it.

i don't know how else to be, i'm preparing for some eventuality, i'm not entirely certain i have prepared enough. so i must do what i can now to make sure i just don't fall into the abyss. ah, so dramatic.

it's all set. i'm moving 1/25. not sure where yet, i've not mapped it or looked it up. but i drove through the town the past couple days and my heart beats quicker and my breath gets stolen away by the beauty of it all. i'm sure it will be beyond my imagining. far beyond.

and this is exciting.

i've lost a few more inches. the pounds are slowing down, but i'd rather lose inches than pounds. i've had many more inches of me than i've needed for a long time. nice to see them packing up and heading out. i forced myself to go to the gym today because i must keep some semblance of routine in my life, other than work and sleep.

fortunately, my work is very physically demanding, so i get a good workout there. it is no job for slackers, that's for sure. and i got my raise, so that makes me happy.

it is well, i may even be happy.
but i'm still a bit tired. trying to sleep it off and come up with some plan.

but it's a big world and i'm not sure where to begin.

mostly, i think i'll just walk down the road that presents itself. as i don't have any great inspiration or aspirations at the moment. i'll just follow where my feet lead, that has done well for me in the past.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

let me love you

there are so many things going on right now, most of them good. some of them not so. i've become one of those promise breaking parents, and it bums me out. but i'm about to leave my house and set out on my own, and i need coin. i guess this is where it comes to what matters. but in this economy, i must work when i can. and so i do.

they're not happy about it, but i've long stopped trying to please the ex.

so much to say, so much to do, probably none of it here makes sense and i can't spell it out so clearly as i'd like. i just can't.

today was curious, but good. and the rush and hurry of my job keeps me on my toes, keeps me moving forward.

for now, it is enough. and i am happy.

my best friend's husband said,
tell her to go be happy.

and so i am trying.

i'm trying to figure out what makes me happy. what do i need to be happy? what essential elements must be present for my happiness? not sure. don't know. couldn't tell you if you asked.

i knew long ago i had no clue. but i still have no clue. when do we finally come to grips with what makes us most happy?

not sure. don't know. couldn't tell you if you asked.

so, i go, day by day, trying to keep my chin up, to keep my spirits up, and to be genuine.

am i making solid choices? i hope so.

am i making wrong choices, perhaps.

who can know in the moment what is and isn't right.

the moral compass, i know. but there are also variables. and, well, i'm not making excuses, i'm just saying, it is what it is. i'm saying nothing plainly, but perhaps making sense to those who can read between the lines.

i must to bed. it's late. day comes too soon.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

are you asking me to dance

one thing i didn't really plan for is what i meant by dance. it could be very liberally interpreted, which, knowing me, it will be.

went by my old digs at the mall today, and my old boss said i could work there again, she wants me to work there again as available. she will completely bend her needs to my availability. i was considering a second job, and now, i think i'll take this one, just to be safe. i need to do something and now with this semester off, i may have some spare time.

but then again. things being what they are at my store, it's not certain what will happen. all i know is, i'm grateful. for everything.

but i wish my champion were here beside me, and that he could know i'm still waiting. and even when i say i'm not, that i'm always leaving a window open and a breadcrumb trail.

there is this pearl jam song i don't know the name of, but the lyrics are so damn perfect, i'm going to have to seek it out again after i hear it.

i don't know. everything had changed, absolutely nothing's changed.

it's that song. what is the title? maybe i can find it...
it's called corduroy, and i may have the wrong lyrics here, but who knows. i need to get this album again, i had it once upon a dream.

Corduroy lyrics

The waiting drove me mad... you're finally here and I'm a mess
I take your entrance back... can't let you roam inside my head
I don't want to take what you can give...
I would rather starve than eat your bread...
I would rather run but I can't walk...
Guess I'll lie alone just like before...
I'll take the varmint's path... oh, and I must refuse your test
A-push me and I will resist... this behavior's not unique
I don't want to hear from those who know...
They can buy, but can't put on my clothes...
I don't want to limp for them to walk...
Never would have known of me before...
I don't want to be held in your debt...
I'll pay it off in blood, let I be wed...
I'm already cut up and half dead...
I'll end up alone like I began...
Everything has chains... absolutely nothing's changed
"Take my hand, not my picture," spilled my tincture
I don't want to take what you can give...
I would rather starve than eat your bread...
All the things that others want for me...
Can't buy what I want because it's free...
Can't buy what I want because it's free...
Can't be what you want because I'm...
Why ain't it supposed to be just fun
Oh, to live and die, let it be done
I figure I'll be damned, all alone like I began...
It's your move now...
I thought you were a friend, but I guess I, I guess I hate you..

Saturday, January 03, 2009

last times

i keep meaning to pull the plug on this waste of time blog. but i haven't yet. it's just a habit, i guess.

my girl and i divided up the christmas tree ornaments. i realized, some mattered to me. some came to me from my grams, and i can't, in good conscience let those go. so i also took the ones i got as we toured the pueblos in new mexico. i bought a few here and there, along the way, and from my ex's reservation i got some yucca bells. things like that, no one wants really, just me. just me. so i kept them.

but it made me happy that she wanted the weird things she's grown accustomed to seeing on our tree. like the bucked of KFC chicken. i don't know why it's there or when i put it up. but every year we'd unpack it and laugh. everyone asks,
what's a bucket of chicken doing on your tree?
and we laugh and reply,
we don't know. but it's funny.

so, she's getting the bucket of chicken. may it serve her well. to remind her of my weirdnesses i guess.

saw, the curious case of benjamin button. it was surprisingly wonderful. i had hoped it would be good. it was strange, and sad, and funny. quirky, the way life really is. i like a movie like that, one that is sad and a true reflection of what is.

so, i'm gearing up to go to work today. still trying to finish off the stragglers of my semester. my sis may come out to go to my graduation, but if it doesn't work out, since i've booked a bed and breakfast, i've invited a friend to come with me. i could go alone and enjoy it, but i could also have a companion and that would be nice too. i don't know, i go back and forth. sometimes, most times, i just want to be alone. but right now, maybe because i'm setting off on being alone a lot. i'm looking forward to some company.

must away, i'm sure there is something productive i need to be doing.

most likely, i'll go in to work early...

Thursday, January 01, 2009

first thoughts, first of the year

and what are they, figures, they're of you.

i'm like that scratched record that just keeps going to the same worn way, same worn way, though that is not the way one is supposed to go. what can i say?

i'm eating a big fat piece of bacon, not torched like i make them. the ex is actually cooking and we've had some semblance of peace. i guess because i'm leaving soon. it's easier for us not to hate each other openly.

i had a customer bring me three versions of his christmas cd. a very nice man, turned me on to some blues eariler in the year. jazz, actually. this compilation i'm listening to is blues. but he came in yesterday, twice actually, and was stunned i hadn't gotten to them. i apologized and said i'd get to it right away. so that is what i'm doing today.

my only day off since christmas which i spent asleep. all my days have been sleep, work, sleep work. i'm almost completely well, but i've been so tired. i think partial health takes more of a toll on me than complete illness. if that makes any sense. but we're all battling stuff at work, and there you have it.

think i got sick twice this year, so that's not too bad.

but at midnight, or when i finally got my phone back, my girl called my sissy at midnight (a tradition of sorts). i popped it open and stared at the picture i have stored there. i've stopped looking at it every day. stopped trying to stare it into reality. it's frozen in stone, apparenly.

but i get these customers, and just look them over. mostly stare at their faces and try to make them you, but they are not. they are just them. and i can't hold that against them. it is what it is.

a couple young guys whom i enjoy came in yesterday and in the blathering on, i was in a very good mood, one asked if i had plans to drink tonight, and i said something about being a lush, not social. and laughed. one of them was chuckling, the other was lost in his thoughts, and i'm laughing at what i'm saying. then i tell them it's the perfect night to off someone if they shoot guns like they do in LA. (which they don't, so it blows that idea).

they left with me saying,
don't be on my bad side on the fourth of july or new year's when i'm packing heat!
and they laughed.
because i think sometimes, when you have a weird experience, it makes it interesting. i think our customers come back for these strange experiences just as much as the coffee. we are a collection of weirdos at my store. (probably at every store of the same type).

it was a good day. we were slow in the store, but i got most of the new promotion up. since i was selling it out of the cabinets last night, my boss said,
go for it
(and partly, i think so he didn't have to do it ;) i understand how it works.

this is a pretty decent collection of music. it's fun. i like that. i need fun.

peace. out.

oh, i forgot to tell you my resolution: dance every dance.

when i discussed this with customers yesterday, they left saying,
now i'm going to have to give it some thought, and i'll let you know!
so i look forward to that. i spend a lot of time (apparently) thinking of these things. they just don't come to me the day before. usually about a month or so before.

anyway, peace.