untangle these

our waters ran freely today, it was as if two brooks converged as we tried to sort it out. to keep clear, for we had merged so freely for so long. it is time to untangle these waters. to separate streams then, or pools of our own. though waters never seem to be entirely free of each other. even the salt tears which poured from my eyes. how many of her waters i have known.

i am reminded of the river where she offered up her favorite red shoes.

take me to him,

she said to the river. she climbed in the boat, and the river took her there. to the castle of the ice queen where he was being held captive. the ice queen's gaze fell upon her. she knew it was her task, to liberate her captive boy. i leapt to the middle of the story, bad form. let me tell you how it goes. they were friends, the boy and girl. he ran her off. he was cruel. times changed and he fell out of favor with the community, so he wandered away into the forest, deep. where he met the ice queen. she beguiled him. he was there, captive in her castle, out of his mind with her tonics. his friend, the girl, still loved him, and remembered him. long after others had forgotten. and she went to seek him out. it was the river that made the finding possible. so that is how we find the three. she, endeavoring to free him by remaining free herself when the ice queen's gaze fell upon her.

the story ends rather abruptly. i guess it is up to the reader to interpret the end. fatal optimist that i am, believed in the girl and found the boy restored to her after she dispatched the queen straight away. how is that possible. i do not know. i do not need to know. but when trouble comes the way is clear.

i believe in the strength of one girl.

awww

i got the sweetest note from a student today. i almost cried when i read it.

the most curious thing has happened in my classes, i am finding i am engaging the latent writers in my students. how am i doing this. by being their audience. today we embarked upon our second essay and i ran smack dab into a wall. you see, i draft an entire sample essay on the board from one word. any word that they provide. understand that i never know if this is actually going to work out. if there will actually be an essay at the end of the road. but i figure, if we are asking these students to generate essays on the spot, for midterms and finals, we damn well better show them how to do that. i demonstrate that activity no less than six complete times in my class, four times before the midterm, and twice before the final.

when we first started the semester i was excited, because at least i knew what was coming and the cadence of the class. i could venture away from the text a little bit further than i had in the past because i know what they need to know.

so today, essay number two.

they give me a topic, and off we go. i skip step number three. my bad. but when i got to step four, i stalled out, presumably because i skipped a step. i looked at them and said,

i've got nothing. so what do we do?

i've told them endlessly to go back a step or two if they get stuck. it had never actually happened as i am, dry erase marker in hand, standing before the class. but i'm glad it did. if i can get unstuck, they can too. and those students who generally snooze in the back of the room were the ones who were chiming in a lot today. it was nice.

so, unstuck we move on to step five. where i proceed to get bogged down in the details again. so we discuss how we can rearrange paragraphs and flesh out things out of order, that is, create an idea map and flesh out our ideas there.

i asked their opinions on what the topics should be for the essay coming up and they chimed in. so we have a couple topics, now i have to settle on angles.

it's not that my class is a democracy, far from it. i'm a tough teacher. i had a lot of surprised students today, in good and bad ways. but i accept revisions. and i told them,

i will read that essay again and again until you get a grade you are satisfied with.

it is not about me giving them any particular grade, it is about them learning how to correct their errors. revision is *gulp* part of that process. let me be clear. i have never revised, not anything in this manner, but i understand why others need to. they have been turned on to my writing process but it is not their writing process. i aim to teach those whose styles are different than mine as much as i want to teach those strange birds who are just like me.

i love my classes. i love my students. i'm grateful for every moment in their lives. i never imagined teaching could be so rewarding.

i am also offering a poetry class in april. i will be reading at massachusetts poetry festival. and i'm finishing up my thesis class in the city this semester, with the hopes of publishing in one way or another when i am done. oh, and i'm going back in the studio to record a second cd. i love doing that!

there will be more readings, more writing, more teaching.
and i couldn't be more pleased.

love stories

i cut my teeth on love stories. i believe in love completely. even love that doesn't work out, for whatever reason. i believe we are in each other's lives for a season and when that time ends, we move on. no hard feelings. it's just time. let go. the thing about it is, there is always someone else to love. there are so many someones that there is really no time to mourn the past as long as we were present in it. as i was. i was entirely present. that time has passed. time to move on.

i hear my daughter singing in the other room and this brings me joy. i think being with those we love, experiencing the ups and downs, feeling their grief and elation, it makes it all worthwhile. the low times don't stay that way forever, and the good times never last, but they are sure fun when they are happening. i want more good times, who doesn't. but i am willing to endure the bad times with as much presence. i have learned not to fear the change of season.

i'm reading a book that is stunning to me. it is the most affirming book i've read in a great while. it makes me believe that what i am doing in love is what i am supposed to be doing. it is an intuitive road i follow but when affirmation comes it bolsters me that much more. sophie said the other night,

don't close you're heart.

i heard my insides respond,

i don't intend to.

because i don't. not ever.

we were in half moon pose, where one foot is pointed forward, say the left foot, and the left hand is reaching to the ground, while the right foot is stretched out and up and the right arm is reaching toward the ceiling. to maintain your balance you have to abandon yourself, or as sophie says,

fly.

it came to me that i can't depend on sophie, or anyone else to find my center for me. if i don't find my center in that balance pose, i fall over, or drop out of it. if i can find my center, i can stay in the pose, heart open, for as long as i need.

and my best friend adds,

if you fall forward in the pose, you are fearing the future, if you fall back, you are living in the past. only the person in the moment is able to find their center.

i trust this.

not entirely sure what the future holds, certainly not going back, i abandon myself to the moment. to not closing my heart. to remaining wide open and finding my own center. for no one can find it for me. no one can maintain my balance, save me. me alone.

this is the best love story yet.

the post

brings me news today of troubling things. the post is not so much letter in hand of carrier, as a technological blip, leading to a phone call, leading to tears. how i love my friends. how i want to shelter them. to support them in whatever ways i can. i guess to be called upon in an hour of need is testament that they understand my desire to be there, to be present to their pain. and as i sat there tonight wiping tears from my eyes, i could not even utter, how much, how deeply, i want to just make things all right for those i love. this trial, twice removed, sits upon the shoulders of one i love, and i can only listen. only love. it is my task, that much i know, to love in spite of the news. in the face of tragedy. to believe unswervingly in the one i love. it is what i do best.

so i sit there, trying to reengage in the moment and yet feeling at a loss for how to do that.

so i let the tears fall, i did not try to stop them, or hide them. i just wiped them away as they came.

are you okay.

yes. just thinking of my friend.

and the conversation turned to the business at hand, what to order for dinner. i did not want to be the sole downer since i had just drug them, my dear ones to a movie that they found depressing. i found it honest, that's all.

i'm glad i don't have a smart phone and access to all the information i used to, it's easier this way, to be slightly detached. but if my dear ones need me, i'm glad they call. glad they reach out.

ultimately, i understand, we need each other. that's the bottom line.

unnerving

i'm sitting in the waiting room waiting for my kid to be set free from her cleaning appointment. why do all dentist offices have that weird smell, not entirely even sure how to describe it. but it's part what imagine to be antiseptic of some sort, it's got that weird sterile smell to it, part scorched tooth, or bone as the case may be. a really gross combination that one must become desensitized to because i can't imagine working around that smell all day and actually smelling it.

so i'm sitting there, head buried in a book, trying to block out the news which is blaring in the waiting room. i don't want to see the wars, or the killings, i don't want to know there are predators out there--because honestly, it doesn't make my life any easier, it just fills me full of something close to dread at the human condition and the state we find ourselves in.

so, i turn up my ipod and blast yoga music in my ears to offset some of the negative vibe generated by the news. this is a strange solution, i know. especially since i'm using my daughters handmedown earbuds, only one of which works, fortunately it's the right one which houses the control mechanism. so i stick my finger in my other ear to block out what sounds like a lug wrench and air compressor, as if the indy 500 had a pitstop in the backroom of this office. i can hear all kinds of powertools going, and i am imagining horrible things taking place back there. the finger doesn't work for long, so i put my head on my ear and try to press down my ear. again, not a viable solution.

so, i resign to one moderately blaring earbud and trying to focus on the words on the page in front of me.

block out the images of the man drilling in the head of some person i don't know. let alone the fact that my child is behind those doors getting probed. i don't know why suddenly i'm so sensitive to her and the environment.

when she finally comes out, she mentions the drilling sounds, how they creeped her out and she kept trying, just like me, on the other side of the wall to block them out.

sometimes, i think we are so connected to those we love, we can't help but feel their pain. their discomfort. their distress. i wish i could save her from it, but there is no way. we must surrender to the probe and drill sometimes in order to stave off what would otherwise be great harm, eventually.

she asked me about her wisdom teeth, if they would need to come out. and i felt a twinge in me. there's another thing i can't protect her from. reminds me of my dad who began crying on the phone when i was in labor, just hours before i would deliver my only child.

i wish i could save you from it.

he said.

i had no idea what he meant then.

but i do now.

pace thyself

beginning a new semester is exhilarating. i love the students i'm working with. i love the subjects i'm teaching. what more could i ask for. it is as if somehow my life has become the life i wanted. so many years i've been looking to this place. i walk around now and just smile.

i went hiking saturday with a group of women and at one point when we started out i just hollered out,

it's a beautiful day!

because it is. they all are. even the ones that are not snow encrusted. even the average rainy day, or the muddy slogging cold day. they are all beautiful days.

i'm grateful to be able to help so many young minds grow. watching people's worlds enlarge is highly recommended. i hope i never lose this joy of being with a classroom full of students. i hope this semester continues to be one of mutual regard. today two of my former students leaned in my doorway as i was teaching and waved at me. i just smiled and greeted them by name. i've seen a few others in the hall. we have little catch up sessions. it is so good to know these people. so good to see them grow.

i still don't know how any of this plays out. how i will make ends meet someday. what is going to come of this venture. but i don't need to know today. i just have to show up in class and be present to the students i am working with. that is all that is expected of me. there is not mystery of the universe to unravel, no great dilemma to solve. just one more class, one more day of teaching. the rest will settle itself in due time.

i am blessed. i am grateful. i am, as always these days, looking forward to work tomorrow. it is what i am supposed to be doing with my life. when you find your road. enjoy it. i never knew how good life could be until now. even the upsets, the heart breaks, the trials, even those seem far more manageable because i'm right where i'm supposed to be in my life.

i wish this for you too my friends. wherever you are. may you pursue your bliss each day.

i want to write more poems. i haven't been productive lately, but that has never stopped me before. but i feel the backbuilding going on and know it is just a matter of time before the spigot turns on and the poems come pouring out. i will be ready. i live my life in a state of readiness for the next poem.

slip sliding away

it was so worth it to get out and go to yoga this morning. there were only two of us there with sophie, fresh from her trip to turkey. she got on the floor beside me at one point and helped me find my first unassisted half shoulder stand. now i know how to do it, and i could never figure it out before. sometimes just seeing it from different angles helps. that and having someone right there baby stepping you through the pose.

she lifted my shirt and looked at my tattoo and said,

i'll have to show you mine.

so before we left class i got to see her gorgeous hip to hip tattoo with a lotus in the very center. truly beautiful.

i've been thinking about my next one. where to put it, what it should be, when. these are all important questions. nothing rash, nothing trendy. just something that is profoundly significant to me. but what.

until i can answer those questions, i wait. rather impatiently at times, but i do wait. sometimes years pass. and that's okay. i can wait. i have learned how.

i've found myself again, i was at the bottom of a hot salted and oiled tub. it seems i must take to water to find myself at times. and then i cried. water begets water. but it's all going to be all right. i will get a massive infusion of beauty tomorrow.

until then, i trust. i rest. i remember who i am.