Saturday, April 12, 2014

unforeseen tears

on my porch, this bright sunny spring morning, an atv chatters loudly through the forest across the street, spitting its gasoline powered bark (or fire, it sounds more like the rapid repeat of machine gun fire), across to envelop my whole porch and i try to remember the lessons of yoga.
embrace the silence,
she said, and the footsteps trotted across the floor above us and we lay in a meditative state. when we rose, cross-legged and touched palms at heart center, a tear escaped from my closed eye and streamed down my face. it was the beginning of something beautiful.
set your intent,
she said, which is exactly how i start my semester with my writing students.
i just want to be present to this process.
i thought. she started meditatively, which was something i appreciated, as i often find myself trying to catch up to my body in yoga. muscle memory pretty much shifts me into position and i land in the posture, but where is my mind, and my breathing never quite seems to be right.
the one time i blew out my shoulder, all i could think about was breakfast and what i'd order when class was over. i was completely fixated on the meal to come, not the moment i was in. shoulder paid.
i couldn't attend yoga for about six weeks, just to allow my shoulder to recover, and i had to get some work done, but ultimately i learned, i have to be mindful in yoga, i can't just shift positions and multitask.
i am a legendary multitasker. i am of the opinion, as don aslett has written,
the more you do, the more you can do.
and more i do.
mercifully the mechanics yard across the street just turned off the semi engine they are trying to fix, and i hear krishna das' hanuman chalisa sounding from my kitchen. my cup of tea steams in the sun, and a car darts by on the road.
there is one thing i have learned in yoga, a teacher from whom you can learn (and for me that involves submission and unity), is priceless. i miss my sophie.
so we crouch down between our knees, with our hands at heart's center, at the end of class, and i realize, i had been present and only in that room the entire time. my mind was on my body and the posture the tilt of the pelvis, the angle of the hips, heart opened to the sky.
how long has it been since i've had a class like that.
too long.
too long, indeed.
so i will begin a journey, which has the serendipitous feeling of having been planned for me all along, and i will try to do my yoga teacher training. we shall see what will come of this.