Wednesday, October 29, 2008

my favorite goodbye is hello

my boss returns sometime this week, we're not quite sure when, he mentioned it, but i can't quite pin him down.

he's this giant presence. he walks in and the store pulsates.

right now, it's kind of lagging. we're trying, but you can't fake that kind of presence. and it makes me want to manage large. to be that kind of a motivating factor in a place. he has really brought us together as a team, and, well, i'm glad he's back.

i look forward to more reunions, more hellos. more unfamiliar faces fading into familiarity. i keep trying to imagine that day, that hour. sometimes i leave the gym and think, what a horrible moment this would be, drenched with sweat as i am.

but, perhaps that pales in the face of hello. i don't know.

the kid i most enjoy closing with is hotnatured like i am. so we crank down the a/c to 68, and work in a modestly heated store. we're still hot, but any cooler than that would be unreasonable.

i'm told, when the morning crew gets there, they are the ones who crank it up to 80 degrees (insane!) and i can't work like that.

tonight, it's mid twenties outside, and i'm in capris because my work is so hot.

what can i say?

all winter when i worked in the mall, i wore flipflops for work and summer clothes, and just piled on the layers as i left. i'll have to take the same approach, because it's insanely warm in there, to me (and the kid).

i'm grateful we're so similar and work so much together.

he was really tired tonight, so i gave him my break. i don't really take one anymore because i have so much to do. but i could tell he needed it. just a moment to catch his breath. and so he did.

he's just a joy to work with. a true gentleman. i can't say i've experienced many of those in my lifetime. when i holler, or hurt myself, he rushes to help. not that i accept the help, but he does try and i give him kudos for that.

it's certainly something to see, a real gentleman. i had thought the last one passed away, slipped off with my dreams.

but i was wrong.

and i'm glad.

the shape of things

i can hardly add words to this passage from a book i'm reading, so i'll just paste the quote:

"it did not help in the least to make out finally that the creature who had assigned himself to me was an absurdly spotted dog of dubious affinities nor did it help that his coat had the curious properties generally attributed to a magician. for how, after all, could i assert with surety what shape this dog had originally possessed a half mile down the road? there was no way of securing his word for it. the dog was, in actuality, an illusory succession of forms finally, but momentarily, frozen into the shape 'dog' by me. a word, no more. but as it turned away into the night how was i to know it would remain 'dog'? by experience? no, it had been picked by me out of a running weave of colors and faces into which it would lapse once more as it bounded silently into the inhuman, unpopulated wood. we deceive ourselves if we think our self-drawn categories exist there. the dog would simply become once more an endless running series of forms, which would not, the instant i might vanish, any longer know themselves as 'dog.' by a mental effort peculiar to man, i had wrenched a leaping phantom into the flesh 'dog,' but the shape could not be held, neither his nor my own. we were contradictions and unreal. a nerve net and the lens of an eye had created us. like the dog, i was destined to leap away at last into the unknown wood. my flesh , my own seeming unique individuality was already slipping like flying mist, like the colors of the dog, away from the little parcel of my bones. if there was order in us, it was the order of change." (59)

loren eiseley, the star thrower

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

fall awake

sometimes i fall into morning, the way i fall into sleep and i'm a bit discombobulated. not really wanting to engage, just here. dreams still fresh in my mind and i wonder what to do with them. they aren't really of the destiny variety, but they are my dreams. some would say, it's just the mind letting off some steam. i don't know. deadlines are buzzing in my head, work colliding with school, and school must be a priority. i say this not because you need to hear it, but because i need to remind myself. focus! don't lose the ends to the means.

i am reading about four wonderful books right now, and school is interesting because you can't really linger over them. my favorite books have to be run through like a sprinter, when i would rather spend the equivalent of a marathon between the pages.

today we go see our friends, and i miss them. i'm too busy and tired to muck their stalls just now, but i do get a bit of school work done while i opt out of the work of the farm. that is after i provide the requisite scratches.

i've been reading about leading on a loose rein, and i tried it with the old black mare last week. it worked wonderfully. she followed me, no problem. that i caught her before it started pouring, nicole was grateful, because she's old, she doesn't need to be standing out in a cold rain. and bringing her and bitty in meant the two horses could have the run in shelter which is really only built for two and no one must stand out in the rain.

i'm not opposed to them standing out in the rain, it was just very cold last week and i didn't know nicole's preference, so i brought the ponies in.

bitty was ready to go. waiting for me at the gate. she's been doing that a lot lately. just hollering for reasons i don't really understand. but after i brought her in, i attempted the loose rein, and she yanked me into the field to graze. she's tiny but incredibly strong. i let her nibble, then to her stall because i had the old girl to get still, and bitty curled up and went to sleep in her toasty, unkempt stall. normally i'd try to get that done before returning them to their quarters, but it just couldn't happen. nicole took care of it when she was done with my girl's lesson.

and i curled up in a ball in my car and slept. even missed turning the ponies and horses out in the paddocks. i just needed to shut my eyes before the drive home.

the old girl stood and watched me approach her in the field, and she began to turn away. so i clicked my tongue a few times, maybe three, and she turned toward me again and stood in her spot. i was able to clip the lead on and walk her out, no problem. nicole was impressed because velvey always runs when she's brought in. but not from me. the only time she ran from me was when i was trying to put her halter back on and i'd just turned her out. lost a few layers of skin from my middle finger that day unhaltering her and should have just let it go at that. but i'm nothing if not persistent.

it wasn't her fault i got hurt, it was mine. i understand. horses do what horses do. and i'm grateful when they don't kick me and they could. last week everyone was all feisty, which is nice to see. guess they'd been couped up a bit. but we went into the field to retrieve my daughter's favorite pony, barnaby, the one she rode in competition, and rides most now for her lessons (he challenges her, she said to me,
i try to challenge him, too).

and, well, she's standing beside calm as a pool of water barney, and the big spirited thoroughbred comes racing over nearly running into us. we were beside a large pine tree, and that severely limited our options. bitty, the little welsh pony, whinnied, and wanted out of the situation, but she was hemmed in by me, the tree, and barney at her front. just then, bandit ambles over, rather quickly, and he's all fired up, so bitty's feeling blocked in and i told my girl, turn barney loose and move. so she goes toward the pine she's nearest, and releases barney, while i try to get bitty to move forward, but bandit has come and is spinning around ready to kick.

he almost kicked you,
my daughter said.

no, he didn't.

i saw horseshoes to be sure, which is close enough, and the pony bucked a bit as she was departing, but i was perfectly calm. this is what amazes me. it could have been a very bad situation, but i was calm and aware of everyone and everything. a perfect moment.

and i watched it all in slow motion.

when the horses cleared the way, my girl grabbed barney, who kept vigil beside her, he's a good pony, and we walked to the gate. i'm trying to remember, obstacles and horses don't really leave many options. staying in the open is perhaps the better choice. though, when they are all clamboring around, they become the obstacles. and it requires one to focus.

this is how we spend our tuesdays. i would have it no other way. and, beside stepping on my boot once, bandit has never hurt me. he has no reason to. i have to remember they respond to stimuli by instinct, and to attend to stimuli better.

i'm just so focused on what is going on at the moment, i forget about the moving pieces. somedays, T (the big thoroughbred), is calm and peaceful. gentle and wanting to be in the middle of everything. but on those days when she is wild, it's probably best to keep our distance from her. the trick is, deciding what kind of mood she's in.

barney seems to be consistent no matter what is going on, which is why nicole loves using him for beginners. she was telling us about the last show she went to, one of the instructor's students took a pretty bad fall. the horse darted off in the walk, trot class and was cantering wildly around the arena.

nicole said she could see barney start as if he wanted to run, but he knew better, and just stood still. they seem to know what to do, how to take care of the kids, who do their best to take care of them.

and i'm just glad to get muddied and learn from them. i never expected it to be easy. i just hadn't expected to enjoy it so much. even when it's difficult and all work, it's joyous work. and i don't get giddy about much these days. but take me to the farm, and leave me there to die.

this is my wish.

Monday, October 27, 2008

to the deep

i keep trying to convince my child that swimming in the deep is no different than swimming in the shallows. though, given very deep deeps, when everything implodes, perhaps it's not true after all, but we're talking an eleven foot pool.

so tonight she abandoned herself to the deep, and i was grateful.

i buoyed by noodles because i'm too tired to swim for forty-five minutes straight without aid, but i make her swim thirty minutes, and she ended up swimming an additional fifteen of her own free will. it was lovely.

she enjoyed diving down deep and swimming about.

i'm just glad to finally be home, as much as i love the water, i'm tired. but i said that all ready.

i have to ask the kid at work who is in graduate school for phys ed if i'm still getting a decent workout aided as i am by floatation devices. i couldn't do it any other way.

anyway, i'm tired. enough said. breakfast early, then the farm. bellydancing then i have to go in to work to do the order for this week and put away stock.


you're in charge

the thing about people leaving town, or changes being made when i'm in the line of succession (metaphorically speaking), i tend to be left in charge without adequate mention of the fact that i am in charge. though i think my boss did the best job of making the case than anyone before him, but i saw a now asst. mgr who got promoted out of my store and she said,
you're in charge this week.

i said,

that's how he made it sound.

and i smiled.
as much as anyone can be in charge at that place, i guess.

we have a lot of ideas, strong people, and the flux of workers which makes for a sometimes volatile mix of pro-activeness and outright rebellion. when does one become the other?

i said to my boss,
i know what to do, i just need to do it.

he'd been telling me for some time to stop asking for approval before i do stuff. and, well, it took some getting comfortable, and we overlapped slightly (amazingly, not too much) in our efforts, but all ends well.

i have decided it is keeping my finger on the pulse of a store that is most complex. if a customer wants this or that we have to make it happen, within reason. i would probably sell my mother to make this store successful, which is, perhaps more a reflection of the ailing relations between my mother and i than anything else.

we get deliveries from this company who often short our order just when we need the product. forcing us to scramble around from store to store taking alms of the product shorted.

the other night, just that happened. they had been delivering while we were there, but they didn't. so i made sure to see them as soon as they walked in the next night.

we didn't get this.
and since it was pouring rain, i offered,
i'll walk out to the truck, get it myself and bring it back in. do you mind?

they couldn't shake me off, i was relentless (in a most charming way, of course).

and so, i walked out in the rain, and hopped in the back of this 18 wheeler, and extracted the product we were shorted the previous night.

shorting another store, yes, but they had two of the item, so it was a necessary act.

these commando techniques are met by laughing kids who can't believe i'm lugging boxes in the rain and forcing my will on the delivery guys. i'm just glad they changed their route so we're the second stop.


btw, i am told by my sweet eleven year old informant that bucky is for sale. or will be soon. i miss him.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

same ol' same ol'

nearly midnight, bullriding is on, i have schoolwork to do. but tonight my back slightly aches, and i'm not exactly sure why.

so i'll try to take it easy tomorrow, as i have the day off. but still, much, too much to do.

i want to be in the dusty worn leather world of cowboys, that is where i want to be. not here. but here is the reality.

there's this line from a dave matthews song that goes:

what i want, i ain't got.
what i need, is all around me.

so maybe that's it. which has essentially been the story of my life. not that i'm looking to undo what i done, by no --NO-- means, never. i'm ready for freedom and what cometh with it.

mostly, i just want peace. that's all i keep requesting.

it won't be long before i'm moved up, or at least put on that track. it will happen. and i have to decide to go with it or no.

my business saavy friend and counsellor would say, do it. do it now.

and i will still hem and haw. there is much, too much going on at the moment and it's a lot more responsibility. like i need any more of that.

i think if maybe i had a few body doubles, i could accomplish everything i'm wanting to do. for now, i am accomplishing only what i'm able. one thing at a time. but many taken together.

i always have one eye to the sky, saw five hawks on my way to work today. it has been a great while since that has happened.

and one ear to the ground, listening for the footfalls that will finally come. someday come.

in the meantime, i try to keep from the darkness and focus on tasks at hand.

it is well. it is all well and good.


Saturday, October 25, 2008

operation prank the boss

my boss was heading out for a week away from the store. he has put a great deal of effort into prepping us for his absence, i've learned a lot. and i'm basically on deck to see if i can handle what will come (we all are, but i've got the ordering and supplies angle of the show, which is a lot).

so last night i get this idea to prank him. we can't just let him leave, i told the other kid working with me. we have to send him off with something.

he replied.

the plan began as a simple swiping of the keys and moving the car, changing the music. burning some embarassing cd and cranking the radio.

but then, we told the two girls who were there and they wanted in on the action, so they came up with another plan. a decidedly higher stakes plan, that was quite intricate.

we're laughing and it sounds like a great idea. but i'm the one holding the ball. it fell to me to enact this plan. and so i did.

let's just say, it went very well, and was fraught with peril.

i know my boss well enough to know, he's a good guy. he can appreciate a well executed joke. but i also know payback is a bitch, and i'd better beware. i drew first blood.

i wasn't sure how it would end. it all seemed so serious, and i had to play the part. i had to be all grave. but then, he showed up at work and i hid for a bit, forgetting, i should probably distract him, and in the time i was dodging his view, he went and checked the computer and found it was all untrue.

he said, smiling.

and i grinned.
you found out?


he was stunned that we pulled it off, for one. he felt like a goofball for another, and it was just a good joke. though, as i said, i'm nervous about the payback.

but i told him,
it was a team building exercise
(though not one i'm sure he'd have apporved of before hand).

and i reminded him we only did it because we're going to miss him when he's gone. now he'll have a story to tell.

and i've got to try to help this store get better in the space of a week. we'll see how it goes.

and i'm ready for bed. this prankster gave up lots of time to this, and, while i don't regret any of it, i do need a good rest.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

foul mood

tonight was just bad. anyway you slice it, except i worked with the sweetest kid, whom i feel entirely comfortable with and he eases some of the rough patches for me. he tells me i do the same for him, so it's nice to have that kind of companionship at work. especially when people are splitting hairs over fucking coffee.

though we didn't have too many difficult customers, this one guy, whom i really like as far as customers go, wanted the kid to just give him one dollar instead of 99 cents change.

when the kid hesitated, the guy said, you're
not going to just give me the dollar?

the kid said,
no, i'm sorry.

and the guy turns to me.
are you going to give me the penny?

i have to go get it out of my wallet,
i said (do these people not realize how very little we are paid?) like we can just pull shit out of our till and it not reflect in the deposit. yeah, that's smart.

so the guy says,
just pull it out of here.
meaning TIPS.

no fucking way! i said,
just look on the floor, there are always pennies on the floor.
and i walked around the counter, and true enough, he was standing amidst three shiney coppers.

so i pick one up, and say,
there they were right there.

and he said,
that's beside the point.

i said,
well, if people only tip 2 cents (and some do), a penny is a lot from the tip jar,
and we just don't take anything out of tips because it is the team's money. so i see the quandry this kid was in. and i wasn't about to give this customer shit for all the hassle he was causing.

see, i don't think people realize, we have shit to do. tasks to accomplish. when you tie up the employees, two of them over a fucking penny, we are losing time.

it could be argued, i should have just pulled the penny out of the till, but i don't want this kid to start that habit on my watch.

so i said to the guy,
it's just a penny.

he says.

whatever, keep your fucking money. i say. and he finally left. that whole ordeal took about five minutes of my time and i was pretty baffled by it.

another guy, i guess he thought he was being cute says,
and tosses his trash at me. wadded up and expected me to catch it and deposit it in the trash can.

i watched the ball of trash hit the ground and i said,
you want me to throw that away for you?

and he said,
i thought you'd catch it.

why would i?

if some stranger says here, and proceeds to toss something, i'm not inclined to catch it.

call me crazy. but there it is.

he apologized. i threw his trash away, but what a prick.

so, all the while, i've got the voice of the oppressor in my head. and i wanted to just cry the night away, but i couldn't.

i needed the voice of kindness tonight. and that came in the person of the kid i worked with. and so i had to let him and his postive energy reach me.

but it was hard.

it is hard.

and when all the distractions have died down, and i lie down in the dark cold i must fight my own battles. ride out my own storm. it is all i can do. there is no hero, there is no knight where i live, in my home.

it's all cold and dark and i am alone.

my bad

so, i was hurling through my summer trying to rest and didn't attend to the forms i completed for this semester. i checked a yes box when i shoulda checked a no box. so now, many phone calls later, and after freaking out (not horribly), it has all become clear as mud. i wrote yes when it shoulda been no.

meanwhile, other tidbits are being tied up and things are progressing. i can rest easier now that i know i'm not three thousand pages in the whole for my semester, probably only about a thousand or fifteen hundred.

i'm still wearing capris and flipflops, but tonight might change that. windchills are supposed to be in the twenties. i better bring extra layers for leaving the store near eleven pm.


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

mine own

heard this song at belly dancing tonight, it is the song for me at the moment. but i can't find it. so there you have it. i'll have to ask my instructor for the title. (this is all i remember of the song: i'm learning to live without you).

it occurred to me on the way home tonight, that i have approached the dance wrong. it has always been, in my mind, a dance to gift to someone. a dance for someone else. never for me. it occurred to me tonight, that i must dance for me alone.

what does this mean?

i do not know.

but as i arrived at class tonight, and prepared myself for the dance, i left myself open to the women there. they spoke to me. i was encouraged by their kindness. and i hope that the opening we peeked inside tonight, will remain open.

it's hard for women to come together. we're so tangled up on our lives. and rightly so. women live lives of endless details. who needs what, when. juggling all these mindnumbing details requires effort.

who will acknowledge the transitions in our lives if not we ourselves? if we cannot look over our own fences and see our neighbor, actually engage them, how can we hope they will engage us? i am as guilty of this as the next guy.

and we have love, it comes to us in snatches. we must accept it when it arrives, however it comes. for me it has never settled in, save in the person of my child. it has been transient, and left me many more times than arrived.

i do not grieve this fact, merely accept it. and promise to make my arrival profound. to be truly present.

how i can hold my own in a paddock with five horses and not behind a counter with three twenty year olds, i do not know.

but i must find a way.

and my professor is wrong, i am no required to read twenty seven books. now i must work it out with my school. i'm glad. i didn't need to cram that much.

i must away.

amend the list

i have to figure out a battle plan for this new amount of books i need to read. i also need to find a few new books. the prof recommended one i'd opted out of reading, but now i'll pick it up and speed read it so it will count. we are going to have a week long discussion about it monday, and, well, i'd better read pretty quickly.

that's 20 books. but i still need to find 7. and then, find the time to read about them. i'd rather they weren't just lobbed into my study, but it seems that is going to have to be the case. i'd really like to find another tao of equus type book, but perhaps no. maybe the tao te ching or something. i know it's tangental to my study, but oh well.

prehaps the books themselves will reveal the answers i seek. i don't know.

i sleep very little now, but i don't feel tired. i just have a million balls flying through the air at any moment, i wake up around 7:30 without trying. i used to be an up at 5:30 kind of gal, since i work so late, i guess this is the equivalent. i would say i'm probably more healthy in terms of sleep than i was. i can sleep a lot if i have the time. but it's not necessary, it was just habit.

school has really helped me to change the way i do things.

and the master's program calls. i still have not finished the final paperwork for my second application, but it all needs to be in one envelope. so i will have to get a transcript snail mailed to me, then snail mail it to them. very archaic. whatever, i'm fine with it.

must go, much planning to do. first we go to breakfast, then the farm. belly dancing tonight, and last class was so amazing, i hope this one is no less challenging.


Monday, October 20, 2008

do better, or just different

one thing about the company i'm in now is, it's a giant family. i am traveling to more stores and meeting more people, which is really nice. my trainer (the sweet, oh boy trainer), said to me tonight,
it's all about relationship building.

which is what this corp really feels like. everyone is so unique, and, well, you just have to find your style and do your best.

pick your battles,
she reminds me.

and tonight when my boss delivered some critique, i could have gotten lost in the negative self talk, but instead i tried to cut myself some slack. there are areas of opportunity to be sure. i have so much to learn, and, well, today i did much better than the day before. it just takes time.

so, i told my boss, i am getting there. it is better than it was, but i hope to connect with at least the vocal member of the team who felt most put out, and mend some fences. i never want to stop being teachable. i must learn and grow. i must. especially when it's hard.

i get to set up the holiday promotion for the store and i can't wait. i have, just tonight, finished all the clearing that i needed to do before the new stock arrived, which will happen tomorrow when i'm away. there is plenty of room for it to be crammed until i can get to it on weds and reconfigure the madness. the incoming shipments have only just begun.

i understand that i have so much to learn. and, i guess, i'm being stretched. my life is kind of like a taffy puller.

i just heard from my current program that i need to read 27 books for this culminating semester instead of 20. (GREAT)

i'm glad i found out now, and not in a month or two. now i'm really behind again. i have to push through much that i've been doddling over.

but it will be fine. i work well under pressure.

i pulled my back a bit taking out the trash tonight, i reached really far into the trash can, and, well, it just hurt. so, i stretched it a bit, i should probably do it again (stretching, that is, not pulling), and take some meds.

then to sleep. our friends await our arrival early, and we can't get to them soon enough. i can never spend enough time there. i just wish i could do more for them, spend more time with them. but i'm grateful for the patch of time we get. it is sufficient for now. it has to be.

there is nothing like walking down that dirt road to their field and having them rush the gate in greeting. i find it a profound honor that they have accepted me and receive my touch, my presence, my whatever i show up with.

i go to the farm to heal. for there i am whole again. whole as i have never been before. nothing is amiss when i am in the paddock amongst my friends.

have a good day my friends.

gearing up

i've been prepping the store for the holiday stock which will arrive shortly. next week, i think.

clearing out every box and shelf i can. consolidating, generally maximizing space usage (which is something i excel at).

i think it's safe to say, the store is mine now. i'm invested. my boss was trying to tell me what needs to happen, but i all ready know. so i told him,
don't worry about it, i'll handle it.

and he looked pleased.

while this is my first holiday in this company, it's going to be fun. we're all going to dress up for halloween. there will be priest, dracula, a ballerina, i'll be a belly dancer (which isn't much of a costume, but since i still have to work, i figure, it will serve). and there is going to be one silly, silly costume which is my boss' idea. a giant egg which he will write NOG on. sigh. i don't know what to say about that.

looks like we'll be doing christmas day, too. just a small group of us who get on very well, and have nothing better to do with our holiday. i'm actually looking forward to it.

but first, i get an email from the mfa program, and now they're "excited" about my application. i guess the matriarch sent a letter of recommendation for me. and i'm grateful. as well as my prof who works for their program. they want my transcript faxed, which tells me, it's just that one last hoop i have to jump through. and i've all but decided to go with the low residency option because i love my store. and new jersey ain't so bad.

i got lost on the way back to my store last night. i was contemplating the nature of life and missed the exit, i saw a sign, last exit in new jersey, and i took it, because i certainly didn't need to go any farther, and miracle of miracles, i let my instincts lead me through the dark and made it back to my store.

i had to run out to grab some supplies we were low on. since i'm doing the ordering now, it's only me to blame. so i bear the brunt of making it right. or at least i'm trying to.

while i'm not looking forward to the holiday hours, i am looking forward to graduating and finishing off this most excellent ride. dec 17 is my last deadline, and i'm grateful it is before the holidays. i will have much to do at work, and, well, it will be nice to not be pulled in a thousand directions.

my girl has officially started cantering. it's been about a month or so, maybe longer. but she's really enjoying it now. and it was all her dad wanted out of these lessons.
are you cantering yet?
he would ask.

which, while i imagine it's important, it's not the only thing she is learning. there is so much.

but i must away. have to workout then go to work. of course that is not all, but i won't burden you with the tedious details of my life. too late.

peace. out.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

be brave

sometimes it's not the big things, not the everests that are daunting, but the little everyday common woes and wonders that test us to our limits. that test me to my limits.

i see, so clearly, how beset i am by my own shortcomings. how i wish i could get around this whole dark side, and just be light, and positive, and flow. but there must be ebb. i must allow for shadow. and it's just hard. i want to do right, be right, and bless friends and strangers alike. i just don't.

tonight a man came in and wanted coffee ground, i said,
on what?

he said,
the grinder preferrably.

and i just sighed.

he said,
not funny, ha?

i kept insisting,
paper or metal, cone or flat bottom?

that i am hung up on the diction, is beside the matter. i didn't say, IN what, i said, ON what, meaning setting not apparatus. (knucklehead, the joke didn't translate at all).

at the end of the day, i have shit to do and am not paid enough for laugh at crappy jokes. my day is eight hours, and, well, i do the best i can. if you happen to be the man who sends a lame joke out my direction and i haven't the wisdom, shall we say, to laugh, cut me some slack okay? humor is tough to translate. if you don't have the same humor as me, forget it.

usually i smile, but i was in the middle of things and didn't have it to give. not a single smile. which is unfortunate for the man who just wanted to be funny. unfortunate for me because i wanted him to be funny too, he just wasn't. and, well, i don't hide it. i don't hide anything. that's my problem.

i don't know that fake laughter is any kinder than deadpan silence, either. i mean, you always know when someone is just laughing to not make you feel like a heel. that forced, that's not really funny but i'll laugh anyway kind of laughter.

i hate that kind of laughter.

but honesty doesn't do much for the warm fuzzies we're trying to create. so i should try to laugh at lame humor, or maybe just not be so serious when i don't laugh.

whatever, it doesn't matter.

we went bowling today. my girl, my ex and i. it was fun. i enjoyed it. too bad we hadn't done stuff like that sooner. maybe it would have helped. maybe. now, it's just too late. and i'm too tired to try to force the genie back in the bottle.

peace. out.

Friday, October 17, 2008

feelin' fine.

i awoke to a crisp east coast morning. ready for the day ahead, i am certain it is all good. my bunny seemed to want to be held this morning, as i walked in the kitchen to get coffee, he perked up and told me he needed food. so i fed him, and reached into his cage where he leaned into the contours of my hand.

i picked him up, and put him, face up, claws up with his lop ears draped over the crook of my arm, the way i always hold him, and he just shut his eyes and laid back. relaxing into my warmth. so i held him there for a moment.

he's such a sweet bunny. too bad we're not in texas where he'd have more room for mischief, but we are here. and this is all he knows. i don't know how long bunnies live, but i hope a while.

my girl just got a beta, she'd been wanting one for some time, since my giant goldfish ate her last one (my bad). she doesn't let that kind of thing go.

i've probably given the child enough ammunition to either become a poet or be in therapy sorting it all out for a great while. but she knows this. she reminds me of the pets we've lost along the way, and we say,
and remember them. but then, we have to move on. i can't spend my time grieving over a fish that got ate. (bad englash there).

so today, more schoolwork, more work work. and it is all good.

my store is rocking lately, and we need to keep it up. our numbers were way down, but they are coming around. our speed of service is ramping up.

it's amazing to see a line to the door, and still get people what they need, in and through in three minutes. it doesn't just happen. and mostly, we have to be on it. i have to be on it.

because i have realized, when i'm firing on all cylindars, it's easier for the kids to follow my lead.

i worked on the bar beside this one girl who is like my sister. we laugh and have a great time. if it were myself and any other barista, we'd have killed each other most likely, but she and i, hands and arms flailing, danced our way through about twenty cups and drinks without dropping the ball once.

the best part is, when you are in the middle of a huge rush, and the person who ordered something amends it. grrr. gotta love that.

or they ask for something else, like cup of ice water. it is a simple request save that we have ten seconds (five now) to get espresso in cups. and it ain't so easy when people keep asking for shit.

but, that is a small part of the equation. it is getting better all the time.

and i am grateful for my job and the kids i work with.

much to do, i must away.

peace. out.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

toot toot rattle rattle rattle crash beep beep

so, i'm riding my pony home, i get off early now so there is more traffic on the road. this traffic is coming together into one lane, i'm on the phone with my sister. i break because the guy infront of me broke, and blam. i'm hit. i screamed and the ear buds flew out of my ears, and i went to grab them so my sister didn't think i was horribly mangled in a car wreck.

i guess if someone has to crash into you and take out their radiator, the best place for you to be is at a near standstill. i had just eased off the brake slightly and i launched forward, fortunately, i'd left enough room not to smash into the guy in front of me.

and i hop out of the car after i pull to the side of the busy highway, to see what she'd done to my pony.

i love my pony, i've put it through hell.

and, like a champ, it's still holding together. no damage.

are you okay?

i think so.
i said,
we'll see how i feel tomorrow.

that's the thing about these rear-enders, they don't affect you instantly. but i'm sure i'll be fine. i'm one tough broad.

the cop scared the bejesus out of me when he opened my passenger door unexpectedly, but other than that, i'm fine.

do you need an ambulance,
he asked.


are you okay?

i guess so.

just shaken?


it was surprising. no one thinks the guy behind them will use your bumper as a brake. but it happens.

anyway, home now. time for bed. work comes early. and i think if i hadn't been in such good shape, my body may not have responded so well, but i'm pretty solid these days. it's encouraging.

i'm looking forward to tomorrow. to all it holds.

peace. out.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

too bold, too bold

my prof sends this journal of his time in another country, and today, as i read it, i was striken by some of the language. some of the perceptions, and, true to form, i had to call him on it. i just see it so differently, though having read only his words, it's hard to get a grasp of the entire picture. diction says a lot though.

i have been granted a second day in a row off, for which i'm grateful. my boss is trying to save in overtime, and so, voila. i am granted a reprieve, i was supposed to read at an open tonight, but my girl needs me to take her to the pool. and so we shall go swim. i'm not needed there anyway, so i'm told. so, i shall not fret about it. i'll just let it go for now. it's been something i've been going back and forth over for some time. but i just don't have the strength or gana to fight about it. it's better for me to just walk away.

with this stretch of time, i need to knock out two more books and do some writing. then, i'm primed to turn in another packet early, as soon as i can get my critical paper written. my prof is steering me toward writing a critical paper on belly dancing, but that is not my aim. i will not use it as the center piece of the paper, but rather, as a run in thread.

i am going to focus on my original idea of creativity, rather than just the history of belly dance (boring). i have at least one more academic book on creativity and a couple others i can delve into and then i'm done.

all except the dance. i still have to perform a dance. there is this zep song that would work perfectly for a dance, i need to show you. i've been listening to it for awhile and i see a dance in my head, and i was telling my instructor last night,
i see whole dances in my head. it's just about getting them to come out of my body.

when the levee breaks by led zeppelin

i think, i just need to start dancing. to let myself go and just dance to get it out. then i hit this zone where everything disappears, and i am free to dance, to become the dance. this is the space i seek. i have not found it yet, with belly dancing. other kinds of dance are easier to slip into the moments of time when i'm out and about. this one, not so much.

but i will, i must, let myself become the dance.

and so i shall.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

tonight, tonight

belly dance was amazing tonight. just amazing. i even got lost in it, which is nice. at one point my instructor just hollered because the vibe in the room was so good.

it was the first time this semester she's kicked our asses, outright. we did these body circles, or undulations that are essentially the basis of the camel walk, and one minute into them my thighs just started burning. i can't even imagine being able to do that for ten minutes. she had us doing it consistently for about three. it was tough. i had to keep stopping and stretch my legs so my thighs wouldn't ignite. but it was amazing. i was soaked from head to toe halfway through class.

today at the farm we had to halter the old gal, actually, just attach the leadline and bring her in. but nicole warned,
don't chase her, she'll get bitchy.

and i never do. so we walked out into the paddock and our friends encircled us to say hello. it's been a week. and as we were walking out toward the horses, velvet (the old gal), was by herself in the left side of the field, and the rest of the horses were across a little dry stream, under some trees in the right side of the paddock. so i told my girl,
don't go for her, let's go say hello to everyone else and then she'll be curious and probably come over.

well, the hoopla lasted for about five minutes, scratching and sniffing, and saying hello (i didn't sniff them, they sniffed me).

though bitty didn't get her requisite scratch, so i promised to return.

and took the lead, and a cookie, to the old gal. i approached her with the cookie in my hand so she could see it. i stopped short of her, and let her take the two steps toward me, then i clipped the line on after she ate her cookie.

no problem. i've never had a problem catching her.

so we walk her out, and i see her to the barn with my girl, then i went back to the paddock, because i owe bitty a scratch. last week, i was too tired to stand up, so i didn't visit them.

i went into the paddock and the little welsh pony received me gladly.

but the big girl, the thoroughbred, the alpha mare, kept sniffing me and the pony, she wouldn't back down. she wasn't being aggressive, so much as she was just curious. just being nice. so i scratched her a bit, and then i walked away with bitty. but the rest of them followed us, and so i wound around through the field, and back to the gate, losing them along the way. i'd told myself just to walk and see what happened. bitty joined me a couple times, but i crossed the dry stream and she didn't so i went on alone. i'd recovered some bell boots earlier and was looking for their matches. but, to no avail.

so at the gate, the little pony gets another scratch, and the big girl comes over again. and i am between these two horses, the big girl really likes bitty, but bitty doesn't like being liked so much. and let out a bit of a whinney. so i thought, it best, if they got feisty not to be positioned between them. let them duke it out, and i'll be in the clear, but everyone kept following me. then the other two horses came to see what all the hubub was about, and so, i left the paddock because it was crowded by the gate and they are not mine. i really shouldn't take so many liberties.

but i adore them. these beautiful souls. i told nicole today,
they seem very happy here.

and she said,

and i, for once, wasn't so tired i was useless. i did read an entire chapter in the space of my girl's time with velvet. which was a bonus. i need to get back to that now.

but the class tonight was beyond description amazing. this is the way to have a day off. i must say.

peace. out.

Monday, October 13, 2008

no bubble.

this is something i will not, cannot explain. its meaning is still being understood by me. and so i leave off for another less guarded topic.

i hear the words again, dancing in my head, my dreams, congealing. ready, perched on the horizon like stormclouds after a long hot summer, full and promising relief. blooms. respite.

and i can only be grateful.

i have no time for this now, writing here. it does not fit, and i must leave it off at some point, sooner, perhaps than later. as there is only so much i can do and this has never been the wisest or the safest. merely what has been.

i understand so much more than i did yesterday. everything has changed, absolutely nothing's changed.

and i wonder, will it be enough. will i have passed the test. will you find me faithful. do i even comprehend what that means, and can i live up to it? do we sometime trade in our dreams, or let them rest in the hollow of our heart having earned their place there. do we surrender when the days grow cold and the monotony threatens to become all we know and understand.

i can't believe how much my mind has changed since i forced myself back to the gym. everything looks and feels different. i see so much coming that i cannot, nay, don't want to change. i welcome this change. these poquitos muertos. and i will mourn my losses, but now, i'm ready to move forward. and become.

to forge my own way and find out, finally, who i am today.

i am grateful to be me, at this moment in my life. i don't know what's coming, but it will be damn good. good love is on the way. and i'm lonely but i know i'll be okay. good love is on the way.

and i'm ready for it.

peace. out.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

any good news yet?

not yet.

so i left work to come home for a nap, i opened the store at 5:30 this morning, and will go back around 8 to close it. in this reckoning of days off, my boss is looking bleary eyed, and i'm giving up all my days off, save one. tuesdays. i cannot let that one go.

the farm is a bastion of hope for me. even though last week i was ill and very tired, i stayed in the car mostly, but it was the idea of being there, all curled up on the seat trying to rest a bit.

i should go to bed again. work soon.

but it is well, for these trials make us stronger.


Saturday, October 11, 2008

hard times come

and they go, let them depart from me for now. forever.

worked with the sweetest kid last night. he's hit a rough patch. and my life seems like a bed of daisies when i think about being young and confused. i guess it's no worse being old and confused, the good thing is, i was able to give the kid a bit of perspective.

i'm the oldest person at our place, so, it falls to me to be the voice of wisdom. HA!

which is funny, but there you have it. again, 2am, wide awake wondering when sleep would reappear, and finally i decided to get up and go to the gym no matter what time the lambies started frolicking. and so i did.

8:30 this morning, i'm wide awake, to the gym by 8:45, 1000 situps later, i'm home, going to try to eat then off to work. if nothing else, i can get a few things done there.

i do so need to do more schoolwork, but i'm feeling confident about it now, and am even considering the poetry project i had hoped to do, a cd of me reading my works. i don't know that anyone would want it, but, if nothing else, it would be something to do that would produce a product without much expenditure of limited creative resources.

i so dig this sound guy at my work, that i'd love to have him record me. perhaps i shall. remains to be seen. i do think my works in my voice, there is no substitute.

i shall move in that direction i think. and hopefully the belly dance will come together. i have to ask my instructor for a bit of time to watch me, to see if she thinks i've got it. or, i could just wing it. i tried the other day and it was no good. perhaps it will come. i know it will come together.

i just decided to take only one and a half days for this upcoming poetry intensive because i can't get the whole weekend off work. i understand why. so i'm giving up the latter half of the weekend, when i'll miss the least in terms of activities. i'll drive straight to work from the itensive and so be it.

time to feast, then away, duty calls.

Friday, October 10, 2008

don't drain away

sometimes the feeling of happiness is so elusive, i hate to look at it or think about it, because i might spook it and it will be a long time before it lights upon me again.

tonight was a very good night. very good, indeed.

maybe all i needed to do was 1000 situps, that kind of thing sets you up for success. but i'm tired, just not sleepy. and i should go lie down and drift off, but i'm wired after work, especially tonight.

we've struggled as a store, and i'm finally finding my place.

it feels good to accomplish something. and tonight, we accomplished a lot.

i'm grateful, for every moment of it. i've learned so much all ready. i can't wait until tomorrow, this journey is just beginning and i'm ready for the adventure!


my superman

i heard this song today, and it is my new themesong. i love it. here are the lyrix, here is the song. there are few things in the world i believe in so much as you.

Three Doors Down - Kryptonite

I took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind
I left my body laying somewhere in the sands of time
I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon
I feel there is nothing I can do

I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon
After all I knew it had to be something to do with you
I really don’t mind what happens now and then
As long as you’ll be my friend at the end

If I go crazy then will you still call me superman
If I’m alive and well, will you be there holding my hand
I’ll keep you by my side with my superhuman might

You called me strong, you called me weak, but still your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times I never let you down
You stumbled in and bumped your head, if not for me then you'd be dead
I picked you up and put you back on solid ground

If I go crazy then will you still call me superman
If I’m alive and well, will you be there holding my hand
I’ll keep you by my side with my superhuman might

find your way back

while i was making my way here, a song popped into my head. let me go rustle it up and see what it says:

(this happens to be one of my favorite renaissance paintings too)

anyway, the lyrics are easy, and yes they apply.

i went to the gym today, i'm certain it's the reason i feel i can climb any mountain today. 1000 sit ups is quite an ego booster. it only got hard after about 850. but, i need to do it. i've gotten soft. though i'm still dropping poundage like nobody's business, i think mostly it's because i don't have time to eat, i only have time to work and i refuse to eat late at night when i get home (though i do occasionally make an exception).

it's nice to be at my lowest weight, lowest bfi, etc. i hope to keep the trend going. i noticed a couple new notches in my belt, and that my pants were bagging a bit. i guess i'll have to buy some smaller jeans soon. but that is a good thing.

much to do today, i must away.


it's been a long time since i've said that, but i embrace all that is coming to me today. whatever it may be.

i had always told my daughter i'd never killed a squirrel or hit an animal while driving, and we backed out of my driveway the other day, to see a pancake squirrel where my car had been. and we both sighed.

fortuntely, there were some people from the church around, and they were kind enough to remove the carcass. it was awful, and i hope he wasn't one of my favorites. i don't think my favorite would have been under the car. he's more obvious than that.

it's easy to cross working out off my list, because i just can't get to the gym these days, but i must force myself to go back, it is a good mental health decision, and i need to make as many choices in that direction as possible.

so, this morning, i will exercise. i need to start doing sit-ups again. i was rocking them for about six or eight months, and, well, i've lost that lovin' feelin' so i've got to hit the mats again.

i'm ready for it. i'm able to do it.

i just read about the stock market, such a bummer. but it can't rain always.

trust me in this.


Thursday, October 09, 2008

change your mind; change your life

so, what's different today?

the sun is shining, the pollen dances in the light. the same customers, the same tasks, the same everything. the only thing different is my attitude. i guess that's the most important thing to change.

it was very sobering yesterday to see the weight of management. to be so close to it i could feel the oppression of it. there is so much to do, so much to think about. i will not watch our store go down the pipes, but at the moment, we're not doing so well. but we will.

the majority of the problem is, our attitude. my attitude can always use adjusting, but i hadn't had anyone reframe it for me in a way that made it clear what the issues were. and now that they have all been reframed from a manager's view. i understand, what i am struggling with is such a small piece of the pie.

we've probably lost another supervisor, and we're all gearing up for those long, long hours. hours which i've not yet even begun to experience. because these eight hour days are why i changed to this store. i could get more hours, i figured since they were open so long. the downside is, there are so many hours to fill, when these kids just up and quit on us, we have to fill those hours.

it's the double edge sword, i guess.

but i'd rather have the hours than not. now i have to make the best of my time there. and, it was just a good night. everything felt right.

i'm grateful. i have tons of schoolwork to do, but even made some progress on that. i'm getting a better idea of how to manage my time, and it is going to be all right. i can handle this.

don't know what happened exactly, but i'm glad it did.

peace. out.

put aside ambition

my boss and i sat together busting open fortune cookies and laughing. they're such crap, it's hysterical. but this morning, as i'm doing my schoolwork, attempting to accomplish a symphony in the space of a ditty, i read this line

put aside ambition.
i'm not sure it's ambition i'm driven by at the moment, so much as it is, securing a future for me and one other. maybe i'm deluded and i'm not securing anything, but i'm doing my best to give what i can. whatever that may be.

put aside ambition.

the word comes to me now as something heavy and meaningful, i need to receive what is, what is coming with the knowledge that it will be well. i must learn flexibility and strength, those are what my focus must be on. learning to let go of my preconceived notions and becoming flexible to the point that i can stand in the midst of anything.

put aside ambition.

and be humble. that is what that says to me. let life have her way with you, and receive what is coming. i just said that, i guess i really mean it. i have much to do today. much to think about. much ambition to put aside, for i hadn't even realized i was striving. and i guess that is the difference, striving versus thriving. how do i do the one and not the other? i don't know, but it's high time i found out.

put aside ambition.

and so i will. though, it feels more like i'm putting aside my hopes and dreams, i know it is the darker side of ambition, the ruthlessness, the competition that i'm lalying down, and not the forward thrust.

put aside ambition.

put aside ambition.

put aside ambition.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

drawn and quartered

all the competing areas of my life feel like they are going to section me. but i am trying to hold my center. to not yeild to fragmentation. to do what i must, when i must. and nothing more.

find a way to say no. that is what it comes down to for me. for i cannot give what i do not have. i cannot offer, what i no longer possess. in some ways, i feel very whole, sound, aware of my flaws but accepting them. in others, i feel like i'm scrambling and fighting for some understanding of what and who, where and when i am.

it's not meant to be complicated and contradictory. it's not meant to feel precarious, but in many ways, everything feels precarious to me. and i refuse to shatter. even if i plunge headlong. i refuse to shatter.

i gave up two of my three days off this week, because i had to. i am sorry to see them go. but i've got to prioritize work, and i can't not give it all i've got right now.

but the same goes for school. and i'm going to force myself to focus, in between, in the little snips and quips that come and go, i must, i must, i must graduate. i will, i will, i will graduate.

that is the bottom line. there is no alternative. the end result is decided. this is my last semester of bachelor's work. i'm glad to be in the midst of it. it's a wonderful opportunity i've been working toward most of my adult life. and i spoke with a dear soul at work whom i adore, she said,
even if i take one class a semester for the rest of my life, i'm going to achieve what i've set out to achieve.

i said, i agree. we cannot long deny our dreams before we become some parody of soul. some vacancy where a person used to be.

i understand times are tough and the economy is in the gutter, but we can make wonderful things happen if we just believe.

i remember when i used to believe. that's what this is all about for me, i think. i've lost my sense of wonder, i've resigned to the gritty reality and coarse mouthfulls of sand. i've resigned.

i need to believe again.

but in what?

that remains to be seen.

i'm hoping those dearest to me are able to see farther than i can at this point, because once again, i have no idea where i'm headed or how i'll get there. it all feels uncertain.

i imagine the journal of a sea captain in search of the bering straight. wondering if he's doomed all his men (which, of course, in many ways, he has). and how it will end. when does one stop fighting, and give up the ghost.

it is not my time yet. i am not ready to lay it down.

i've got some fight in me yet.

that which is mine is coming to me, i believe this.

do you remember

i do. so many things. sometimes i lose myself in them. they were very good things. things i've never thought or dreamed before, and now i try to believe, in the utter silence, that whispers carry on. that the breath lingers in the lungs and the white sand beach warms for me. somewhere, it rests in the sun, awaiting my arrival. and i will make my way there. i will run my fingers up and down the coarse soft granules and stretch my body across the length of it, and feel the warmth, absorb the warmth, draw it into me. and be full again.

it's not that i'm empty. i'm just tired of endless waiting. i've found some rhythm to my exile, but none that i enjoy so much as you.

the apartment by my work has been rented, so that is all but a foreclosed option. and i'm trying to decide if that's a good thing. i feel okay about it. it was a lovely place, but the timing was not right. so i wait, and trust that when the fullness of time has come, i will move to where i am supposed to be.

and cut off my attachment to the world. to everything that tenously clings at the moment. to let it all go, and find peace.

that is all i want, peace.

i sat at the farm yesterday watching horses in the outdoor arena, the grace and ease with which they move. their owners balanced so effortlessly. the long manes draping the face of the draft and friesian. i am smitten by an all black friesian who is undoubtably the most beautiful horse i have ever seen. i thought nicole's thoroughbred was, and she is gorgeous, but this friesian is a jaw dropper. i just gawk at him whenever he walks by.

so i got to watch him in the arena for a while, then went to watch my girl, but i was too weak to stand for a great length of time and returned to my chair. i'm fighting some damn cold at the moment, but it won't get the better of me. i take meds, power through work, take more meds, then sleep. that is my routine of late.

today, to the ilbrary where i will try to study.

belly dance was cancelled last night as the instructor is sick. but it was good for me, because i didn't have strength for that strenous class either. so i went by work and stocked a few shelves in the time i would have been at class, thereby demonstrating my commitment to the store.

tonight, to a training class, it is my day off, but i am further demonstrating my commitment to the store in this way.

who knows. maybe, just maybe, it will all work out. at least i know this,
that which is mine is coming to me.

Monday, October 06, 2008

discouraging encouragement

i'm not sure if it was that or encouraging discouragement, but one of those things happened to me today. and i have to process it all.

i'm really trying to be the bomb at work. it's tough, so much, SO MUCH to think about. and my boss wants me to step up even more, maybe because he knows i can. but i know i can do it. i'm just tired and fried. we all are. there are no excuses, and i'm not making any, i told him today,
i'm just not there yet. but i'm trying.

he was glad to hear it. i never profess perfection, i know that's so not me. i'm grateful he appreciates my brand of honesty because, at the end of the day, it's all we've got, our word. that is.

he's understandably frustrated with our store because we're locked in this vicious cycle of underperformance and confubbled priorities. it has to get straightened out. we have to have a clear destination though, or none of us will arrive. we'll all be working at odds. and mostly, we need to come together and work together.

i needed some chicken soup in the worst way today, and was grateful i remembered the chinese place a couple doors down. i got ghosty soup, as we used to call it, wonton soup, by its common name. wontonicus delicious by it's foody nomenclature.

anywhoo, i slept all day, took meds twice through work, and had ghosty soup. that's how i made it through. i was kind of stuck in first gear, but perked up about when the meds kicked in. now, hopefully rest won't elude me.

i keep agreeing to go in to work on my days off. mostly because i'm being considered for a lot of things, and i need not blow this deal by being inflexible. everything else will have to wait. if i have to provide for myself and another very soon, things has gotsta change. i've got to suck it up and make it work, here at my place of employ. that means helping the place become successful.

i'm really trying, i don't know what else to say. it's hard. when my boss told me his training plan for the new shift, i said,
i wish i'd had that.
he said,
how many times did you train before you opened alone?
i said, and he was shocked.

he keep saying,
why didn't you tell me this stuff?
and i keep replying,
i thought you knew.

yeah, undertrained am i.

but this week he begged to get me into a class that i need. and hopefully he'll square away the rest of my training in the near future.

it would have been easier if i'd arrived at this joint earlier, or, perhaps come later, like now, when most of the dust has settled. it's been a rocky road and we're pretty banged up as a crew, but we're all hanging in there for a bit longer, i think. i hope.

i don't really know.

that's the thing about it. my job is as precarious as the next guy's. so i just have to be that much better at what i do.

and i need a game face. everything shows on my face. i have to figure that one out because i don't have a game face. i'm pretty much what you see is what you get.

oh boy.


i'll be the first to admit my hypocrisy. i wish i didn't have any, but i do. we all do. and mine, when it is pointed out, is just as ugly as the next guy's. but i'm grateful it is pointed out, because it makes me remember that i'm not where i want to be.

this guy came into work who some of the kids laugh at, he was talking to me about zen and the path to enlightenment.

i told him,
yeah, i keep falling off that path.
(which is painfully true)

and he says,
there is no mapped route.

which was a marvelous comfort.

he had once said,
the universe is a rock.
or something simliar. and my young coworker was telling me this. and i told her how you can say anything to me, and i won't just dump it. i'll consider it. maybe the universe is a rock, who knows? and she shook her head and laughed.

i don't know. and i'm genuinely cool with that. we're all just fumbling through and when i hear only good stuff, i know it's delusion. there is always something to be worked on, worked through. the trick is, not diminishing the good for the sake of cynicism. i have a way of fingerprinting and otherwise smearing the freshly polished silver goblet to such an extent it looks like nothing was done.

but even in that metaphor, i wonder, is not that use? are we not supposed to fingerprint and handle the things we employ in our daily lives? yes, but what does that have to do with anything?

i'm just saying, there are so many ways to view one thing. the angles are truly endless. it does not make indiscretion right. neither does it make hypocrisy right. but i realize my flaws thanks to those souls willing to point them out, and, well, i try to reckon with them (the flaws that is. the people come and go of their own accord).

much to do, then work. just like everyone else.
i'm no different. and that has not really been the point.
i'm not saying her, oh my life is so unique. no. that has never been my intention.
and i will kill it soon enough.

but for now, it is where i chew the cud. and, i will not apologize for any of my foolish rants, because, they are mine. and i am entitled to them. my opinions may be wrong, but that is the glory of having peopled lives, we learn from each other. we grow. at least i hope we do.

i'll try to do different today then yesterday. and let the rest go.

peace. out.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

ah yes!

i did say all that.
i do say what i think.
such as it is.

i really don't know why people read this scribble, and it's probably done more bad then good, but it won't be here forever, no worries (psst. nothing will be here forever).



i'm usually a lolligagger when it comes to getting out of bed, i have to come to full consciousness, which takes time and i don't rush it. i've never rushed it. but i knew i worked today and had this frightening idea that i'd overslept, so i bolted up and ran to find out when i am supposed to clock in. 2:30, whew. i did not overshoot the mark.

ended up having to work yesterday, it turned out well, my friends were tired and it was probably best i didn't linger at their house until all hours of the night. but i was the walking dead yesterday, and i did okay on the bar. i'm slow. i know this. i have to pick up my speed and that only happens by doing it.

but when you're really tired and someone wants a cappacuino with a few details attended to, and you make said drink, and they say,
i wanted it wet.
when the cup is not marked that way (and it's the third or fourth one down the line), so they essentially refuse it, and i say,
i am sorry. it's not marked.

and the guy running the shift behind me mumbles under his breath,
he didn't ask for it wet.

and i say,
it figures.
i fix it, a very easy fix. dry is not an easy fix by any stretch of the imagination, so in a pinch, this is the amendment you want, one which does not require entire drink reconfiguration (you see, i spend too much time thinking on these things).

and we had fun. i know fun is a high premium there. but we also worked. got a lot done. enough, i hope. since i'd dropped the ball with mr. clean the night before.

this girl, sweet, innocent (one of those faces to die for), asked my boss if she knew so and so because she "missed him" and i turned to my boss and whispered,

and he laughed. she said,
so cute, and sweet.

and he said,

and she said,
you can tell me anything you want
(which, i love those kinds of people).

so i told her,
it's only funny because you're so unstalkerish.
and she laughed. she is the embodiment of sweet, that's all i can say. not many like her running around. i'm glad to work with her. i just realized who she reminds me of, victoria in corpse bride. this is her in real life. she's so cute.

it was a good night. mr. clean is trying to get out of our store because i think i freaked him out. but it was a combination of things. i gladly take my blame for not "managing" him properly, but it was definately a learning experience.

our store is getting busier and busier and that's a good thing.

so i must study before i go for my shift. it is well, and i'm grateful for co-workers i can laugh with.

peace. out.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

no rest

for i'm weary. i finally closed my book at 2am, and was wide awake by 7:50. i had to call in to work to make sure everything was copacetic, as they say. i hate that word. long story. maybe a poem will come about it now that i've dredged it up. i still remember the fury that word once evoked in me. but i digress. what else is new.

i'm half asleep, "wide awake" and after having a long convo with my boss this morning, he said,
come by work.
and i groaned.

but i must. it's not out of my way, i just hadn't planned on going by. i'm not a drop in to work on my days off kind of gal. but lately, i have been. so much going on and i shouldn't say more.

i did manage not to take a shift today that was offered up (time will come when i can't say no), because i need to go park myself on my best friend's couch and watch movies with her and her husband. i love them. they are soulenriching. i need to be there and just decompress. i feel, even now, the thought of going there wells me up with tears.

i'm just tired, tired makes me weepy.

but i've not forgotten the meanie from last night. and he was making a point that the "library is a public forum" and not yours (as in mine). but what he doesn't realize is, yes, now it's a booming gig, but there were months when there were only two or three people. months when it was a bust (no, never did no one show up, though at times i wished it. i welcome solitude and an hour to be alone whenever i can get one, even then, it seems i needed this).

but now, that there is a lot going on, that things are happening, that this group is relatively hip with poetry community (none of that was known before this group or my piling the info on them), i'm viewed as unneccesary. whatever.

i know the real story. i know what matters. i know the truth.

but i have to decide what matters to me. and as much as i dig walking away from thriving things, i'll not be driven away by some bitter white guy. i refuse. i can be obstinant. and while i don't want this to be a power thing, i do not feel rolling over has ever been my role.

i am not going to yield because someone is a jerk. public forum or not, i am still the host. i have played out the scenario of our next read in my mind a couple ways. i will be dignified and gracious. that is all i've ever tried to be. even if it has been perceived as "fakey" i can't let it change who i am.

he doesn't know me. and for that, i am grateful.

i'm just tired and didn't need to take a hit right now. but better from some periphery of my life than some place that really matters.

i'm grateful for every person in my life, even the jerks. they, often, teach you more about yourself than the straight dealers. they make you ask the question, can i be comfortable around my enemies? or, more profoundly, can my enemies be comfortable around me. i pondered this question yesterday before i even knew what was coming down the pike. i know everyone puts such stock in being nicey nice to those who are nice to them, but that's always been easier in my mind. i can be nice to the nice. that's not a problem.

it's the jerks, the irriators, the bitter white guys whom i have to reckon with. they are my challenge. and the disapproving guy at my work, whenever he walks in, i greet him by name and hand him his coffee with a smile, because i'm taking his crap and growing from it. the same will happen with this bitter white guy poet. i don't know how to do anything other than grow and change, regardless of what the impetus is.

we cannot choose how or when we will grow, we can only try to be open. there is a line from the goddess book (an amazing read if you're into that kind of thing) that goes:
The truth that will give us back a lost part of ourselves is also the one that takes away a self to which we have become deeply attached

does this apply to angry white man? no. but it applies to me. how can i do better, be better, grow from this experience? will i let this experience mold me, or will i mold it?

i know who i am. not who he thinks i am.
and as they say in tim gunn's guide to style,
i cannot control how i am perceived, only how i am presented.

so be it.

Friday, October 03, 2008


so, i killed my poetry group again, didn't kill it so much as cut back to bare branches. i had thought to explore, to let others in, to try to open it up, but it didn't work. and one of the guys i nixed got vicious about it. white guy, can't say i blame him. i'd be an angry white guy if i was a white guy. i'm glad i'm not. all told, i'm just who i am.

it's interesting how things change.

and tonight i worked with mr. clean. my god i thought i was anal about the dishes, the kid i worked with tonight spent no less than two full hours on the dishes ALONE. i did everything else for closing and we still got out of there nearly forty minutes late.

i'm going to have to explain that to my boss.

the kid kept apologizing,
i am sorry you're frustrated, but i have to do the dishes.

and i said,
fine, but we have a whole store to close, not just dishes.

i didn't plan for it is all. a failure of foresight. another one.


what can i say.

so now, i'm wondering if crazy white guy is going to be a thorn in my side. he very well may. whatever, i've survived worse idiots in the past. and unless i give him power, he has none.

what can i say.

it's late, i'm very tired, but wasn't expecting the berating i got. call me naive. it's just when you see someone one way, and they expose that dark vicious side, it's tough. we'd like to think--or, i'd like to think--everyone is, um, kind and understanding.

when, in reality, they are not.

i am not even nice most of the time. i'm not even nice half the time. i don't like nice. but i'm not fake. and that's what he called me "fakey"--just goes to show he doesn't know who he is talking about.

why does it bother me then?

because i didn't see it coming. i hate to be blindsighted. but i'm glad i got it overwith. i needed to be free of him. to eradicate the poison, as it were. i saw a glimpse of the viciousness once, and i retreated. this is why. i knew it was there.

i've had enough of broken people.

but, sadly, we're all broken. some of us just don't lash out so nastily at others.

what can i say. it's late.

i could use a dose of kindness about now. but i'm all tangled up in blue.

a load off

i turned in my second packet of schoolwork and requiste essay a week early. i had to get it off my mind, it was dragging me down. so now, i'm progressing nicely, and while three of the books i could have written on, i didn't, i can focus on my next large essay which will incorporate these three books. and get on with my life. all told i'm reading about five books right now, and they are pretty good. i just started fire in the crucible, which is amazing so far.

but once again, i'm tired. i think it's more the mental weight i carry than the tangible burdens. because i'm strong, i know i can lift the weight. but i've done nothing creatively for a while now, and that is my greatest outlet. perhaps the muse will return. perhaps not. i must always allow her to be done with me, and i her. though i would be sad to see her go. to have written the last of all i shall write. the living works that come as they will.

i think writers can generate all kinds of shit. hell, i do it here. but the inspired works, those are the ones i live for. finding them, reading them, writing them.

i don't know what i will write, if i will write again. school sucks the life out of me creatively. if i could be in a program where there is freedom and restraint, this would be ideal.

until then, i'm just jumping through hoops and trying to graduate.

on another note, i got my insurance card, finally. i nearly cried. it has been a lifetime (literally) since i had insurance in my own name. eleven years since my last checkup. i'm overdue kids. slightly. but i'm purusing the list of gynos and there are so many men. not that i don't adore the male species in general, but i like a female ob/gyn in particular. dudes, what motivates you, beside the obvious, to study gynecology? it can't be "fun" or even interesting. it's just weird. and the whole male catching the baby thing is just a bad idea. though i've seen a few awful women in the birthing room, i'd just like to go back a few decades, i probably should have been born a long time ago things would have been easier. but then hester prynne comes to mind, and i think, maybe not. again, the dudes make life difficult. and they probably say the same about us.


Thursday, October 02, 2008

speak again

this is the time, when i'm world weary, restless, and in need of you. the time when you would succle me with words. revive me. but i need to revive myself now, to find self soothing ways of coping with the days.

i'm not doing so well. i went to read at the library today, and forced myself to finish the chapter i've been lagging through. then, i look up and there's metallica on the cover of the rolling stone. i wander over and pick it up. same tired article, and i don't even like the new album, so it's kind of hard to care.

it's hard to care about much these days.

and i miss your words.

i miss you.

but this is too much. and i must find my way to some task that demands my attention. for in no time, it will be tomorrow and a whole new set of demands will be made on my time.

i still miss you.

this song found its way to me today:

good love is on the way by john mayer

I'm a lazy lover
Wasting time
Then one day this summer
I changed my number
To cut my line

Good love is on the way
I been lonely but I know, I'll be ok
Good love is on the way

3 years broken hearted
But now her ghost is finally gone
I'm done with broken people
This is me
I'm working on (cause I know)

Good love is on the way
I've been lonely but I know, I'll be ok
Good love is on the way

Good to go for wherever I'm needed
Bags are packed and I'm
Down by the door
You can take all the tricks up my sleeve
I don't need them anymore

Good to go for wherever I'm needed
Bags are packed and I'm
Down by the door
You can take all the tricks up my sleeve
I don't need them anymore

Good love is on the way
I've been lonely, lonely, lonely, yeah
Good love is on the way
I've been lonely but I know I'll be ok
Good love is on the way
Oh, Good love is on the way, hey

they come and go

my days off, that is. almost as fast as they arrive, they're gone. but i've got today. i hope to make the most of it, reading. i've not progressed much further on the work for this packet, but today i will finish a book. i will force myself!

and i'm even enjoying the books, it's not that. it's an oversaturation thing. too much on my mind already. too much mental clutter. but not the unimportant clutter, the big heavy dovetailed wooden furniture kind of clutter. the i will not be moved kind of clutter.

what can i say, it is what it is. i just have to find my way through it. the sun is shining and it is well.

a friend invited me to a belly dance event, where i could actually perform if i wanted to.
just email,
she said.

no. i am not there yet.

it's just for fun.

i know, but it is more serious to me than that. i don't want to do anything i will not be comfortable with later.

i have not decided who i will dance for first. when that will happen, though it needs to happen by december. i am still working it out. i likely won't perform publicly because that is not what it's about for me. we'll see.

i have an idea, but only time will tell. i'm now debating on whether or not i'll do the intensive in december. i can't affort to pay and not go, but i can't really afford to take the time off work either.

so many decisions to make. perhaps, this year, i'll just see what happens and do the best i can.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

wants are needs, or can be

when a woman wants something, she will stop at nothing to get it. at least this woman. there is no end to the lengths i would go to get what i want now. even if it means hardship. i do not fear the difficult road. i have walked it before. i know the terrain, how to live there. to forage a life on hard work and discipline. i understand this style of living. but i want more than that for my girl. i want her to thrive, to know there is more than just getting by.

and we agreed to try to leave off open warfare, for the child. but it is not so much the frontal attacks that get me, but the scuttling away my livelihood. the subtle intrigues that drain me. if you're going to stab me, do it where i can see it. i understand that is not how it works, that i am naive, that hand to hand combat is a lost art. but i am not going to hide and skulk in dark alleys because you want me to.

i am going to do what i have to do in the light of day. this from someone who admittedly finds herself immersed in shadow. but that is different, that is reckoning with darkness, not setting up shop there. that is a foray into the underworld, not buying a summer home there.

i am aware of how it works, i understand i cannot have it all, or both ways. i know this. i've lived this. i've never expected it all. only what is mine. i need mine to come to me, so i can unshackle these dreams. revive them, sack of bones that they are, rattling around in burlap behind me, as i drag them down the dusty path. (because i cannot let them go. even when they waste to powder, they are still the remnants of my dreams and i will gather them up and cherish them).

i will find a way through this latest madness. i will be free. i will be able to provide for my child. and we will be happy. it is not beyond me. not beyond mine.

happiness comes when we are in the moment. and, so i try to be here. to be present. to experience those delights of now. when i have a horse on each arm, and she her favorite in the field. we laugh and run them through the pasture and over to the paddock. happiness lights on me and mine

and it always will.