Friday, October 14, 2011

floor me

next week, we won't even get off the floor,
sophie said, as if it was some kind of consolation for the upright twisting and turning she was putting us through.

true enough, we stayed on our mats the entire time. but she twisted our guts till they felt like they would shoot out our nostrils. i wonder if everyone else feels like a rusty folding chair threatening to snap. or is it just me.

though i am stretching deeper, seeing progress.

my mind has been a whirling dervish of late and i only wish it was to rapturous effect. but not so much. so today, as i fitfully woke from my fitful sleep, i found my way to nurture me, a hot salted bath with oils, lit candles and silence. just looking out the window at the trees.

i'm grateful,
that was all i said in that moment, i listed off everything, even the things that might not seem such a gift, but in reality they are, i'm grateful for it all.

i then, soaked and oiled, went and enjoyed a nice cup of japanese tea on the porch with my neighbor. i asked how he keeps his calm peaceful demeanor. he enlightened me.
positive mental attitude. after i learned that, i was never the same.

i told him about the internal climate.

we sat in the haze of a moderate fall day and spoke to the neighbors passing by, the landlord stopped to feed the cats, another neighbor brought me an article about teaching she thought might interest me.

it seemed the world converged and smiled upon that brief spot in the sun today.

and when it ended, i came inside and waded through the pile of dishes, found my way to the library, and retrieved my child to convey her to stage crew. she's there now, every day for a month or so, building a set for the coming play.

when her chosen school club was cancelled, i ordered her to join
something, anything,
and this is what she came up with. she said to me last night,
i'm glad i joined. it's fun.

i'm glad she joined too. it makes my heart happy to see her making her way in the world. to know she is making choices that will better her.

the rain is letting up, i was sitting out on the porch with the other neighbor who sits the evening shift, until the rains started drenching us. we ran inside, to our respective caves, and i'm certain we'll wander out again. i don't let a lot of people in, close to me, to witness my life.

they seem me come and go, they offer kindness, which i'm grateful to receive, and today, i realized, i need them. they are my neighbors. never really known my neighbors, till now. it's nice.

Thursday, October 06, 2011


i walked into yoga with sophie today, it was lovely, she's so kind. i said to her,
i really enjoy your class.
i don't often speak to her because i can be mostly shy particularly around people i really like. go figure.

and she said,
thank you.

i went on to tell her,
it feels like.
and i paused while i thought about it.

she smiled. and we walked inside.

today has been a tough day. but not unseasonably tough, just tough in that i am learning new lessons, trying my wings. tottering on a very high wire and am not sure i know how to get down.

sophie had us in eagle pose at one point and we corkscrewed our arms and legs, then she had us hinge at the waist while we stood on one foot and sight our prey.
go after what you want, the eagle has no enemies.

when you spot your prey,
she said,
unfurl your wings and take it.

it was a beautiful lesson i needed to live today.

i am learning a great deal. wanting to perform the tasks at hand and broaden my repertoire. so yesterday when asked if i wanted to go to the beach, i said,
i knew it would involve stripping and throwing myself in the water, but i did it anyway. the water was freezing. i needed to do that, experience it.

sometimes it is easy to stay home, stay safe, stay out of harm's way. but lately life has been calling me to grow. this growth involves pain, i believe all growth involves pain.

pain is not always the enemy.

we tweaked into pidgeon pose, a prone position pose where your leg, let's say your left leg draws up toward your chest, and your knee goes toward your left wrist, and your ankle toward your right wrist. your right leg is outstreched behind you with toes flat on the mat, then you rest your body, hips balanced evenly over your splayed body. sophie said,
surrender to the screaming hip.

that is what it felt like. i have to, on occasion, surrender. my mind doesn't know what is best for me in most instances, but my instinct, that core of my being, does. i am not always the quickest at interpreting these signs, and i have to depend heavily on trust. trust that there is some plan. some way things work out for the highest possible good for all involved.

i am trying to learn and grow. i can ask only for the strength of will and mind to be open to new ideas, to suggestions, to keep surrendering to the screaming hip and staying with what will ultimately better me.

i will say this, i saw marked progress in my life today. in a way that i could not have measured by other than adversity. that is the boon of unexpected turbulence. you get to ride it out, to learn how to navigate through stormy weather, and to find, that the sun rises and sets, the clouds break and goodness does prevail. eventually.