letting go

it's never easy, the end of things. for me, it takes a long time. when the time comes, i'm just done. nothing left to do, nothing left to say. walking away is imminent.

i trust, in this moment, as i stand before the great unknown, that my heart will lead me to the right shore, to the right path, and that i will know to take it. these moments are huge for me. this one, especially, because it is a turning point. a place where i am choosing me.

and so, the gripped palm of familiarity gives way to the slack open hand of trust. i trust that which needs to happen does. that the timing of things is mystery only to those of us captive in these sheaves of dust. i am tired. i get grim when i'm tired. but i'm ready for goodness. for joy.

i want to wake up tomorrow with a lightness in my heart. i want to wake up tomorrow, having chosen aright.

what am i letting go of, really. expectations that were non existent. this first occasion of my being utterly present to someone without having to hedge my bets. i have enjoyed living this way. every day was exciting. i move forward with what i've learned. i move forward.

i have lived enough, and loved enough to know seasons change. that we are in each other's lives momentarily. being present in those moments is the utmost. i have been present. and now, that my heart is telling me to move on, i must be present to the coming moments, just as i have been present to these.

goodbye comfortable familiar. i have loved you. but i have outgrown you. it is time for me to molt, to become, to emerge from this place. and i must go naked and alone. that is how we all must go forward. they are birth canals. they are scary, you can't take anything with you. no baggage. no companion. no comfort. just you. your heart. your wisdom. your trust.

and then one day, the light breaks, you peal out a first cry because it is all so delightful, having been born again. experiencing afresh, the unknown. it is all potential. it is all good.

and that is why i must move on.