presence

i've been scouring the ebook shelves for hours now, think i finally have enough loaded on my reader to keep me sated for a while. i have a stack of books to return and a few other loose ends to tie up before my journey, but it is all getting done.

today was a much needed day of rest. i went to yoga, and while maria was kind, her vinyasa usually kicks my ass, especially since it is fifteen minutes longer. fifteen minutes doesn't seem that long, but when you're jamming through vinyasa it feels like forever.

it has been weeks since i have done yoga because while i was at the poetry intensive earlier this month, i think i tore a ligament in my left pointer finger (that's all i can come up with, based on the best guesses of my friends). it wasn't so much painful as a pain in the arse. i had to massage and heat it then ice it. that i actually did those things is testament to how annoying it really was. and i gave myself a break from yoga to fully recover. seems i need to use blocks always, not just let my short little arms dangle.

so i'm standing there getting ready to launch into the next position when i have this thought

this is exhausting

and i continue the thought

it really isn't, i'm just here, in the moment. doing the best i can.

not entirely sure what that shifted in me, but i didn't feel behind or stressed or anything else, i was just calm and peaceful through the class. it was fun. being present is a beautiful thing. at one point, i'm in fish pose, which essentially lets you look at the person behind you, and i was watching a friend of mine in a shoulder stand interlace her legs and cross her arms while she was inverted (i was inverted too, but most of my body was on the ground, mind you. when she finally let her self down from the pose i said, head still upside down,

wow!

i don't know what i'm doing,

she replied.

impressing me, that's what you're doing.

and she laughed.

life is truly beautiful. and i'm grateful for everyone and everything in my life. even the trials. even the fun. today i sat out in the field under a tree and read. one of my cats came over and loved on me a bit, then slunk away in the grasses like a lioness stalking prey, until she came to what i imagine was a grasshopper which entertained her a bit, until she ate him. it was a beautiful day.

and if you've never watched the movie ghandi, so worth it!

what have i done

there is a song in nightmare before christmas, jack sings it, a lament, a question, a triumph of a song. it is the song that comes to me so often. even today as i sat mystified before the unfolding wondering, what have i done.

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i wonder, sometimes, if what has been set in motion, if the large snowball gaining momentum above me is what i need to be swept away in or by, never can tell, really how the sweeping away is actually coming about. all i know, all i pretend to know, is that which needs to happen, does. i believe this.

so i sit here now, staring into a past i hadn't thought about much at all. looking down corridors for strangers who used to look back and me, and whom i once profoundly loved. i have never liked being observed but not invited to commune. i need communion. i seek communion. that is where i've been of late, living my life. with real people.

though i find myself wanting to infuse my days with the familiar. though i've changed so much, everything has changed so much, and i wonder, what does familiarity mean. how does it look. when one is molting, caterpillars are no longer the company we keep. but where are the butterflies to be found. and how can i, in a chrysalis bound, reach those heights where the butterflies will find me. who knows.

i've only ever more questions.

so i've taken to living by my heart. going where i want to go. trying to determine what i desire. i'm still not the best at that, but i'm getting better. and when i meet someone who says,

sell off this part of your soul and come be my slave,

i run away. i say,

no more. not living that way.

and i walk away.

so now i await my equal.

though i'm not even entirely sure i've fully emerged. but when i do. oh, when i do. what a day that will be.