Thursday, June 21, 2012

what have i done

there is a song in nightmare before christmas, jack sings it, a lament, a question, a triumph of a song. it is the song that comes to me so often. even today as i sat mystified before the unfolding wondering, what have i done.
i wonder, sometimes, if what has been set in motion, if the large snowball gaining momentum above me is what i need to be swept away in or by, never can tell, really how the sweeping away is actually coming about. all i know, all i pretend to know, is that which needs to happen, does. i believe this.
so i sit here now, staring into a past i hadn't thought about much at all. looking down corridors for strangers who used to look back and me, and whom i once profoundly loved. i have never liked being observed but not invited to commune. i need communion. i seek communion. that is where i've been of late, living my life. with real people.
though i find myself wanting to infuse my days with the familiar. though i've changed so much, everything has changed so much, and i wonder, what does familiarity mean. how does it look. when one is molting, caterpillars are no longer the company we keep. but where are the butterflies to be found. and how can i, in a chrysalis bound, reach those heights where the butterflies will find me. who knows.
i've only ever more questions.
so i've taken to living by my heart. going where i want to go. trying to determine what i desire. i'm still not the best at that, but i'm getting better. and when i meet someone who says,
sell off this part of your soul and come be my slave,
i run away. i say,
no more. not living that way.
and i walk away.
so now i await my equal.
though i'm not even entirely sure i've fully emerged. but when i do. oh, when i do. what a day that will be.

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