dream of me

it's curious, this, learning to live happy. it's unfamiliar territory. how can joy, delight, wonder be so daunting. how can kindness be foreign. truly, did i only love those who could not love me. it saddens me to think that thought, so i let it go. i try to delight in who, what, is before me.

as i seek publication and go after that which my heart desires i find myself in a season unfamiliar. there is this part of me which does not understand joy. though i want to change that. more than i've wanted anything before. so i have stopped deadening my senses and sit, fully alive, awake, attentive to the highs and lows.

i trust that all that has happened to this point, has been for a reason. i do not seek explanation, nor do i even seek reconciliation. i have done my best to create goodness between myself and those i love. even those i have walked away from recently. i have done the best i can with the tools i have before me. and now, now it is time to delight. to be the object of delight. i have not experienced this before. not firsthand anyway. but how i've longed for it.

and so, i keep my heart open. i move forward in trust, and newfound joy. embracing the one i love.

and i will learn what it means to write happy. to find words to describe. to convey contentment. and peace.