apolitical

i've never done politics well, i rocket to the top of whatever organization or institution i get involved with and from there plummet like icarus. it's tragic really. and most of it is my own fault because i won't be "nice" to people who were not "nice" to me when i was a nobody. i won't play by any rule other than honesty. that is where i fall flat on my face. honesty as duane stephenson says, "is no buffet of pick and choose."

i've had many coworkers (usually women), who treat me like the doormat all year long, then give me some gift (why thanks) at christmas, for which i have no gift in return (i don't buy gifts for people who are mean to me). then they think that some gift makes their shabby behavior okay. it doesn't.

i once got a position in the church, and a lady "suddenly" became nice to me. before that she was--um, indifferent let's call it. so when she wanted to go out to breakfast with me i asked her, why now? she and i became friends, but it was inspite of the situation (i realized she had pure motives), i am not opposed to people being friendly to me after i've attained some "status" or some "position" but if those very same people are playing political games i simply won't play.

i have been cautioned to be nice to people in the christian writing industry. it's a really small business and people remember names. good. as they should. but it goes both ways. i know who has thrown me a crumb of kindness. i know who has not. i was emailed by THE POET for somewhere, and i don't remember where because i learned how to deal with a difficult father by deleting email liberally. that way i couldn't go back over the email incessantly and sear the hurtful words into my brain. i deleted the email from THE poet as well, so i scarcely remember the details, but i remember the name. oh yes, i remember the name.

this is one of my biggest gripes about "the industry." i thought we were all christians and called to live by another set of rules. i thought we were all fighting the good fight. but we are actually infighting. we are trying to compete. men who compare themselves with men are not wise. i see a gross lack of wisdom at times, but then there are those ladies, those men who are gracious and kind to me, unknown little writer lady me.

i begrudge the title poet to no one. i would everyone were a poet. the world cannot have too many poets. i begrudge success to no one. there is room at the King's table for all to dine. but politics are not allowed.