this one is mine

yeah, i've been pretty down. but i've had moments when i laugh and enjoy myself. though they get away from me before i can capture them in words, i can look back and see some joy in the past weeks. like shafts of sun on a cloudy day, they are there, and stunning.

they brought in mirrors for belly dancing the other night, which was enough to make anyone laugh. usually, i practice at the gym (remember my gym is women only), so there is one wall that is a giant mirror and since it is the only mirror i really have access to on a regular basis, i do belly dance stuff when i should be doing other things.

at class though, i had on a new turquoise bikini i bought, ha! that's funny! went down a whole size in bikinis, why i own any should be enough to stump anyone, but suffice it to say, i do.

watching myself dance made me laugh. the teacher said,

a flamenco dancer would never have botox.

as she wrinkled her brow and scowled at us.

belly dancing and flamenco are very similar dance styles.

(which is good because flamenco is on my list of things to learn. huzzah!)

anyway, we're supposed to be making up our own dance in front of these mirrors. and the blocky little lady is in front of me, she was raking her fingers through her hair. just standing there. thrusting her hips around and the instructor walks over to me,

be sexy. do you have trouble being sexy? no, you've got that down.

i kept smiling and laughing though because scowling (unless it is at my husband) does not come easily to me. i guess the grief stuff could be part of my problem being sexy. i'm just too sad to be sexy. too sad to be much of anything. but now, i'm supposed to be making these seductive faces at myself, no less, in the mirror. and i just kept laughing.

do belly dancers wear glasses?

i asked my husband.

no.

well, they do now.

again, i have to laugh.

so, the reason i'm dragging myself here to put words on the screen is because i've been told there are those who miss my posts.

i read this poem last night and it struck me as true in my life. a poem that i would normally take as being from one person to me, but i'm going to now apply it as from me to me. i've really had to take the love lead in my own life. to nurture myself. to find out what i want and go for it. it's hard to do when one has not known what a personal desire is. or the dreams, the many ideas, the wishes, have all languished when they have come to light--i guess it feels easier to stop dreaming, hoping, wishing. but it's not. it's a slow death of the spirit.

so this one is mine celebrates personal power, i guess you could say.

This One Is Mine
by Hafiz


Someone put
You on a slave block
And the unreal bought
You.

Now I keep coming to your owner
saying,

"This one is mine."

You often overhear us talking
And this can make your heart leap
with excitement.

Don't worry,
I will not let sadness
Possess you.

I will gladly borrow all the gold
I need

To get you
Back.