the secret

now if anyone in any book i'm reading tells me they are going to tell me the secret, to life, to losing weight, to whatever, i generally read with skeptical eye and find they had very little, if anything to say. i profess to have not much to say. absolutly not "the answer" to "the secret" but perhaps a bit of wisdom. perhaps a bit.

i started working out on january 20, scary numbers, those, from the day i first weighed in. (truthfully, the numbers aren't *that* different than now). but i've kept at it. when i didn't feel like working out, when i didn't feel good. when my monthly bill came and i felt like eating an ice cream sunday the size of a chevy. i didn't, instead i went to the gym. oh, and when i got really mad, really sad, and really confused, i went to the gym.

workout is really a great description of what is happening. listening to marion woodman she says,

the anger in the body, the grief in the body, the pain in the body must be worked out.

what she doesn't say is how to do this working out.

she doesn't give many suggestions other than dealing with dreams, as any true jungian analyst would.

i have found a little sweat and a whole lot of shimmy to be the key for me.

i've melted away some 23" of excess suz, and some 10 lbs. am i near my goal? no, i didn't really have a goal. i told the lady when i signed up, i want to stop jiggling. i'm not there yet.

but it's more than that. i want to stop trembling inside. i want to stop doubting myself. i want to stop devouring myself with negativity. i want to start making right choices, healthy choices for my life.

i've given up my occupation of couch potato, a familial plague, and taken on a part time job on the days when i was most inclined to do nothing. i am still, in a sense doing nothing, but at least i'm getting paid.

and, i actually, for the first time in a great while have a completely new wardrobe, purchased by me, for me, in my correct sizes (i had to rebuy stuff because i went down two sizes).

i'm not firing on all six mental cylinders at this point, due to the cloud of grief that still hangs over me. but i am pressing through the fog. taking my little cloud out into the world and opening my eyes. looking at what is there and trying to determine my place in it.

i stood at the crest of a hill today, overlooking a valley, stables and horses everywhere (it is a horse ranch), and one fat hawk in the tree. a corral of shetlands, some other full size brown jobs my daughter can name but i cannot), and thought, this is what i need. open space, silence. beauty.

what will it take to get me there?

at the gym for the past two months i've been the top loser. 8 inches in february, 15 inches in march.

what is your secret

the attendant asked.

working out five days a week. i do tai chi and belly dancing in addition to this.

the collective faces of the listeners diminished and said,

bless your heart.

we always want an easy road. a miracle pill. some magic elixir.

but the truth of the matter is, there is no other secret than,

hard work.

doing the hard work of grieving. doing the hard work of working out. doing the hard work, whatever it means.