changing cadence

my life has certainly fallen into a different cadence than before. lots more to do. trying to remain present to it all, though, i admit, sometimes i'm just a body in the room. mostly, this happens at work. i don't mind it happening there. work is mindless tedium. nothing soul stirring. sadly. but that is only a temporary condition while i work my way out of my old life and into the new. i'm molting, i guess. and there is some kind of deadness that needs to fall away.

the mayor's office was eluding me, but i'm persistent and finally have contact names and numbers i need to proceed. plan b, was to take effect tomorrow, wherein i go park myself in their office and don't leave until they assist me. i'm glad it didn't come to that. much can be handled today from my warm, toasty bed. since my play date got cancelled (adults need to play too, come on), i have much found time. though i admit, most of it i will prostrate lie.

i have to book the park, arrange for the museum exhibit, begin finding and completing forms and otherwise mastermind this entire literacy program or it ain't happening. funny, the things i get myself into. i realized how i didn't even plan my wedding well (not that this is going to be as shoddy an affair as that), it makes me laugh. that i, who arguably don't give a shit about planning have landed a job where i am the sole planner. fanfuckingtastick.

so, i will make it what i think it needs to be, not what i don't care if it is or not. does that make sense? i have a vision in my mind, some place i'm headed, if you will. surely, i can take us there, if anyone can.

i sat in the principal's office with a member of my team, and a major player for this event and had to convince them of my vision. in so doing, i secured the major points of our grant are covered.

oh, that reminds me of things i need to do in prep for tomorrow's meeting. that's the good thing about having a moment to clear my head. stuff i need tumbles out.

i did get my latest packet in to my mentor on time. (late by my day early standard, but on time enough for the program). and that is a relief. this packet had only a three week spread and i managed four books, ten poems, and one critical paper. not too bad. next packet i have the typical four week spread, which will be helpful.

i'm reading a lot of exciting works, history of the samurai, kali, things like that. source material it's called. because the works i'm writing creatively have to have that distinction between what i'm saying and what has been said. i must know. i'm convinced of this. i find both of these topics profoundly interesting and just started a samurai sword handbook. together with a book recommended by my prof, who, btw, completely gets me. go figure. i never expected that.

again, when i give myself over to it, it gets easier, even joyful somehow. it's the struggling against it that prolongs the agony. of course i know this in my head, but trying to get my heart to cooperate is like trying to walk a bunny. a most uncooperative walking pet. they are more of the darting under the bush variety.

that's it. my life is changing and i'm grateful.
so i never get here because i'm so busy.
that's the good news.