bottom lines.

been up since 2am contemplating. or trying to make some sense out of the contents of my mind, is more like it. i'm tired. physically, but mentally the wheels on the bus go round and round.

so i decided to do some reading, at 3:30, rather than watch the freakshow helplessly, i cracked open a textbook and read twenty pages. that brings us to now, you're completely caught up.

i think i want to do right by everyone and ultimately that means doing right by no one. the tension of the opposites. i've never been one of those personalities that could just do something and not do it well. when i don't do something well, it bothers me. if it bothers me, i tweak it or realize it's not my forte and move on.

i'm thinking, moving on, with this particular mindfuck.

bottom line is, i have too much to do. the last time i was in a master's program i had half the commitments i do now. common sense says, lose some of the commitments. what would go first, the things i don't do well and that keep me up all hours of the night.

it makes sense to me.

possibly the worst part about this is, that was my big moment of rest. i had an incredibly productive day, i got it all done. every last thing on my list. then, why am i still awake. what is the deal.

i have to be obligated first to myself, to honoring myself. then, if i've still got it to give, i will give it. right now, i'm thinking, i don't have it to give.

dealing with the reeling

i try not to get sideswiped by ill news, who does. i am trying not to go down grim and dark roads in light of this latest urp in my napkin, shall we say.

on the bright side, i made a fine bean soup from scratch, and it is comforting me. a few handfulls each of black, kidney, chickpea, pinto, lentils, and an assortment of fresh vegetables, spinach, zuccini, bell peppers--yellow and orange, broccoli, and stewed tomatoes. i've finished it off with feta cheese, and it is a surprisingly light, hearty soup that makes my heart happy.

again, i repeat, i don't know how it all plays out. i have only these starry eyes and a desire to see what looks so substantial in my mind, come to fruition in this, my lifetime.

i can tell myself the stories that have assuaged me in the past, about van gogh. i can claim to be out of time, but i no longer think that is the case. i think it is time. this is my time.

so what will i make of it.

again, not entirely sure. i have some dreams, some ideas, some inklings, if you will. i know whom i want to spend the rest of my years with, but we do not know where. it is all to be played out.

i trust, whatever comes, it will be as it must be. that joy will find me waiting with open arms and bring with it a whole host of guests i had never dreamed of entertaining. back in the day i lamented the guests at my door, now, i swing it back on its hinges and say,

welcome. one and all. i embrace you.