Saturday, February 23, 2013

bottom lines.

been up since 2am contemplating. or trying to make some sense out of the contents of my mind, is more like it. i'm tired. physically, but mentally the wheels on the bus go round and round.
so i decided to do some reading, at 3:30, rather than watch the freakshow helplessly, i cracked open a textbook and read twenty pages. that brings us to now, you're completely caught up.
i think i want to do right by everyone and ultimately that means doing right by no one. the tension of the opposites. i've never been one of those personalities that could just do something and not do it well. when i don't do something well, it bothers me. if it bothers me, i tweak it or realize it's not my forte and move on.
i'm thinking, moving on, with this particular mindfuck.
bottom line is, i have too much to do. the last time i was in a master's program i had half the commitments i do now. common sense says, lose some of the commitments. what would go first, the things i don't do well and that keep me up all hours of the night.
it makes sense to me.
possibly the worst part about this is, that was my big moment of rest. i had an incredibly productive day, i got it all done. every last thing on my list. then, why am i still awake. what is the deal.
i have to be obligated first to myself, to honoring myself. then, if i've still got it to give, i will give it. right now, i'm thinking, i don't have it to give.

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