crazy busy

early january i found myself lazing about, i had intentionally taken leave of all my commitments and set to enjoying my time, because i knew, when it got started up again, it would be--and it is--madness.

i had a conversation with my mom about it,

how doing nothing gets boring.

and she said,

it's a real challenge to be retired.

i surmised, quite appropriately, that i do better when i am busy. but busy and crazy busy are two different things.

it seems, i commit myself to a task and throw myself into it so completely that it can easily consume me. but now i've applied for another master's program in which i will study psychology. this excites me to no end. but i am taking stock. currently, i am finishing up a graduate independent study which was graciously offered to me in lieu of a bachelor's in psych. all this because i couldn't write my contemplative writing process book. i tried to get the words out last summer but i got bogged down in the research. i am hoping the fires of a critical thesis will help me birth something that has long been simmering away in my crock pot. talk about a mixed metaphor. anyway, i needed some help. and i've gotten a lot, but i need to expand my horizons in ways that make sense to me. even if they are confusing to others. i do not fear the difficult road.

come april first, i begin again. i start taking research methods, educational standards and disciplinary foundations. this excites me. i like a challenge. i do not know that i will ever stop seeking knowledge, formally or informally. the quest has always intrigued me.

i sat down yesterday and evaluated my life, where i'm at, and had a long talk with my mom about it. she has the finest business sense of anyone i know. she is retired and waits by the phone for my calls, which are frequent in recent years. i am grateful that she can help me sort out my many plans and ideas. sometimes, just the act of her listening to me ramble on, helps me get clear on my decision.

so, i attempt some balance, but i seem to veer quite distinctly between sloth and hyper-activity. yet my inside, my core, my being feels calm. a placid place at last. i am grateful for this journey, for all the twists and turns. and my hope is that i will soon be able to articulate all the ideas that have been brewing inside me for so long.