aftermath

i keep trying to keep the jersey shore and new york fresh in my mind, because it is so easy to get caught up in pettiness. i realize, i don't have half the problems most people in jersey have right now. i'm trying to keep that in perspective.

it's curious, the way we are so dependent on technology. that we can't really survive without it, it seems. and not just technology, but artificial environments. i guess that is the genius of the human brain, that we can inhabit uninhabitable places by piping water into deserts and having big air conditioners. also by owning big heaters and using tons of fuel to keep warm in really cold climates.

the dependence on infrastructure has me thinking. what would i do if we really had an emergency and i had to survive au naturale. how would i even begin to know how to build a fire and hunt my own food. let alone find something to wear or some place to call home. there has to be some balance, i think. there has to be some familiarity with nature and an ability to adapt to rustic living if and when there ever is a real emergency (in my area, let me qualify that statement right now). i understand many, MANY people are now forced into this real emergency situation, and i wonder how to even being to help. where to start.

some part of me just wanted to not contribute to the chaos that was beginning to unfold around me. people who had gas, waiting in eight hour gas lines, makes no sense. if everyone just holed up and rationed (a concept unfamiliar to americans) their gas, their food, their essentials, then perhaps those who really needed to be out and about and using the gas would have it. emergency workers, etc.

i understand we live in a day and age when we have a no work, no pay system. we all seem to suffer when these kinds of events take place and there isn't much that can change that, nor do i think it likely to change any time soon.

but we americans are also inclined toward excess, and while i am all for preparing for disaster, i don't think hoarding is the answer. whether that applies to gas, food, water, what have you. the scarcity mentality strikes me as odd because we are a rich (even the least wealthy in this country far surpass the impoverished of other countries) people. we just don't see it.

my preparedness, while it could be thought of as the lazy way, was to know we were going to eat and cook what i already had in my freezer and pantry. i have plenty in there. during the week we were home, i got creative and cooked up some things i'd been meaning to make. i knew we would be all right, even if our power went out, because we had so much in the pantry. if we didn't have an actual meal, that wouldn't kill us. it would inconvenience us. it would be different than we are used to, for sure. but it won't be the end of us.

i didn't acutally shop for groceries until the friday after sandy came to town. and didn't shop again until the next week because i'd run out of eggs and milk. i'm not entirely sure this is the best approach since people shop like armageddon is upon us even when they are not directly in the path of a storm.

what i wish, what i hope, is that from this sandy disaster, which is still very much affecting my loved ones, who continue almost two weeks now without power, i wish that the christmas spirit, the giving spirit, the brother's keeper spirit would start to kick in and that the hoarding would stop.

if we just shared a little, everyone would have enough. please check on your neighbors and friends. they may need you, even if they say no.

differently

i have always subscribed to the theory that those who love me, love my child. they are not in my life if they do not accept my child alongside me. this has always been the case. the tacit agreement being others are in my life to contribute a different color, fabric, or weft to my particular woof.

the hard part about this is, seeing patterns. patterns i, as the adult, had never believed possible. when my grams raised us, we obeyed. blindly in many cases, but with respect regardless. i understood this way of being. it was, and probably is, why i have such difficulty with authority and being an authority figure. it's a complicated bag for me baby.

on the one hand, i am not my grandmother. that is understood with much sadness, but much gratitude as well. i have had opportunity, education, experience far different than hers. i love and honor her way of being in the world and think she made castles out of crapcakes most of her life. hers was not an easy lot by any stretch.

the ease of someone's lot does not determine much, in my mind. we all have our own particular brand of burden. mine, may be far easier for you to carry, while yours may suit me just fine. which is why they are assigned to each her own. and by looking in on you and you looking in on me, we can

share the load,

as they say.

what perplexes me most, is perhaps the vast array of shit that can go wrong. i know about it. i understand it. i lived my teenage years in such a haze of confusion, i rejoice daily that my girl does not carry that particular burden. she has her own. which she handles, as you can imagine, differently.

so when i come to what i see as a crossroads. and i stand there, looking up one road and down another. baffled, i may be, but this i know. i have done my best. it has not been perfect, never could be. i have not been my grams, because i am not my grams. and curiously enough, i keep finding papertowels stuffed here and there, places i don't normally have papertowels. i am very utilitarian, and if something has a function, i use if for that amen. so the papertowel as tissue option is really not, for me. tissues are tissues. but today, when i drew a stowed papertowel from my coat pocket, i couldn't remember what had brought it there and said,

hi gramsy.

since i couldn't think of anything better. it had to be what it was. i don't tend to hang on to papertowels much past their designated service: wiping a counter, corralling mandarin rinds. yet, there it was. now as i lay here, contemplating everything parenting, gramsy, of course is the one that comes to mind. i want my child to turn out like she turned us out (though i know a lot of that is we turned out ourselves, but it's a nice thought). perhaps it's just wishful thinking. perhaps combined with some delusion. but these are the moments, in times past, when i would pick up the phone and call my gramsy. maybe, just maybe, she stashed the papertowel, so i would know she is still with me.

we are safe

i keep reciting this to myself, a mantra of sorts. while we have no power, no water, no heat, and no phone service,

we are safe.

this is all that matters.

so when the complexities of relationship and life begin to rear their heads, i try to focus on that one simple phrase, and breathe.

we are safe.

i meant to be very productive. i always mean to be productive, but i had a plan for this time indoors. i was going to organize my life and make things happen. i did that, to some degree, but then, i just got tired of doing it. and i stopped. maybe that was my mistake. my forward momentum halted, i languished. i drove around town a bit, finding some roads blocked. some clogged. and all of this, while out of touch with my loved ones.

i reached a few of them, on the west coast, but found the conversations did not serve to assuage my ever rising angst. so here i sit, trying to shake it off. trying to remember,

we are safe.

and breathe.

i don't want to be this woefully connected to and by technology that i cannot make it through a day or two without it. i like to think better of my mental health than that. i am the one who opted to dumb down my smartphone, aren't i. so as i drove the town like a junky looking for a dealer, i realized, i didn't sever the connection only the outward appearance of connection. that isn't, and hasn't ever been, good enough.

i'm not entirely sure how to go from here. where to go from here. what to make of this place. only this i know,

we are safe.

that must be enough.

same time this year

it seems we keep having this hurricane thing happening around halloween. meanwhile, my daughter is busily sewing the costume she may not be able to wear. such is life.

so much happens in a year, but there are still the same lines, the same concerns as last year. though i am hoping, with experience, we are better prepared. i don't have tv so i have no idea what the news is saying as i'm finding my web feeds unreliable at best, maybe i'm just looking in the wrong places, or not looking hard enough.

truth be told, last year i made sun tea and checked out movies. this year, i just made sun tea, didn't have time to get to the library for the movies. so i plan to pass the indoor time rearranging my summer/winter wardrobe.

today i worked at the deli and people were buying forty dollars worth of cupcakes to "weather the storm" and it just made me think how american we are. it is true, this is going to be a tough storm, but what can we really do. where can we go. just have to buckle down and ride it out. our water is already off, has been off since early this afternoon. who knows what will happen next, i'm hoping for the best.

i've been trying to force myself to stay awake as long as possible, but i'm really tired now, having worked all day and coming home and doing a (in hindsight) very wise, rush cleaning job. i couldn't have sandy visit without scrubbing my toilet, i mean, really!

truly though, i hope my loved ones, are safe. and that we fare this storm well. all of us. even those i don't know. i trust, in a pinch, we can band together. i trust it will be well.

november reading in east harlem

i'm participating in a reading in el barrio (east harlem), ny on 11/3 from 3-5pm, the reading will be held at la casa azul bookstore. should be a good time :D

touch down

after spending a weekend with my love, it's hard to get back to my life. to being satisfied with it. i know this is just a phase, that people get used to one another, that life continues and things get done, they have to. but i don't want to lose this. any of it. it's not so much the highs, the very high highs, the highest highs i've ever felt, but the touchdown after the highs. it's like that moment after thanksgiving feasting is over and there's just a pile of dirty dishes to be done. or the gifts have all been unwrapped, the friends departed and there's just a lot of clean up to do. the parties are wonderful. the gatherings, the joy. all, amazing. but the living must get done, too. i wish it didn't require losing that euphoric bliss. but then, we wouldn't be human. and they say, if there weren't lows, there wouldn't be highs. the highs would normalize and feel like that day after christmas. though the value of a cold turkey and dressing, with cranberry sauce sandwich is not to be underrated.

so i'm tucked into my bed, not with my love, but with my books. having cancelled my day with a friend, i will just do gentle yoga with sophie today, then tuck myself back in. i need a rest. i guess because i gave up my last week's respite, i had to forge one out of today. and while i don't mean to be doing work in bed, it's better than being at work. i like to have a plan for where i'm leading the students. today is a good day to focus on that. it is my pile of thanksgiving dishes, and must be done.

i cannot save you

you never asked me to, but i'm telling you now, i cannot save you. i cannot even throw you a lifeline, as i have none. i have always and only had this. myself to offer you. come as you are, stay as long as you'd like, and i trust it to be enough.

there are those people who call out the savior complex in me. those whom i want to rescue with all my heart and soul. but i cannot, i never could. only now i begin to understand it.

there was a time when all i wanted from life was to take care of you, but it was not welcome, not received, and i came to realize, not my job. so i accept that now. i come to you not bound, but as a friend. nothing to offer, in need of nothing, just willing to be with you, beside you, cheering you on.

i know you. you know me. that is the basis of friendship. i had not thought we had it, but i was wanting different things for us then, and now, i understand, this is enough. this is plenty. so be it.

i remember the last time i held you in my arms, i felt so strong. like a mighty oak. and you, my dear, quavered in my arms like a fragile leaf. i have never seen you that way. i do not see you that way. rise up and own your power. you are a strong, powerful woman. be who you are.

you have made it this far, swishing your tail and being your self. do not change that. you are lovely. i know i said things to the contrary once, but you have done me no wrong. i simply loosed my venom on you, and it was not right. i never meant to wound you that way. i am sorry. if i could retract the fangs, the venom, the moment, i would. but it is done. all i can do now, is trust that what needs to happen does. that there is some redemptive end to it all. there must be.

i have known you for a long time, dear soul. i will know you again. i will continue to know you. and in the meantime, you will find joy. you will find what you seek. you will find. i wish fulfillment for you, and all that you desire. but it was never my place to give you any of those things, and for that i'm sorry.

it gets confusing, sometimes, knowing what is required in a moment. what to give and what to hold back. i tried only to be open. to trust myself entirely to the moment. and i did.

what you have now, beloved, are sweet memories. bittersweet, but sweet. i hope in time they will bring you joy. comfort, even. but no more pain.