Wednesday, October 17, 2012

i cannot save you

you never asked me to, but i'm telling you now, i cannot save you. i cannot even throw you a lifeline, as i have none. i have always and only had this. myself to offer you. come as you are, stay as long as you'd like, and i trust it to be enough.
there are those people who call out the savior complex in me. those whom i want to rescue with all my heart and soul. but i cannot, i never could. only now i begin to understand it.
there was a time when all i wanted from life was to take care of you, but it was not welcome, not received, and i came to realize, not my job. so i accept that now. i come to you not bound, but as a friend. nothing to offer, in need of nothing, just willing to be with you, beside you, cheering you on.
i know you. you know me. that is the basis of friendship. i had not thought we had it, but i was wanting different things for us then, and now, i understand, this is enough. this is plenty. so be it.
i remember the last time i held you in my arms, i felt so strong. like a mighty oak. and you, my dear, quavered in my arms like a fragile leaf. i have never seen you that way. i do not see you that way. rise up and own your power. you are a strong, powerful woman. be who you are.
you have made it this far, swishing your tail and being your self. do not change that. you are lovely. i know i said things to the contrary once, but you have done me no wrong. i simply loosed my venom on you, and it was not right. i never meant to wound you that way. i am sorry. if i could retract the fangs, the venom, the moment, i would. but it is done. all i can do now, is trust that what needs to happen does. that there is some redemptive end to it all. there must be.
i have known you for a long time, dear soul. i will know you again. i will continue to know you. and in the meantime, you will find joy. you will find what you seek. you will find. i wish fulfillment for you, and all that you desire. but it was never my place to give you any of those things, and for that i'm sorry.
it gets confusing, sometimes, knowing what is required in a moment. what to give and what to hold back. i tried only to be open. to trust myself entirely to the moment. and i did.
what you have now, beloved, are sweet memories. bittersweet, but sweet. i hope in time they will bring you joy. comfort, even. but no more pain.

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