one?

last night i was asked the question,

you homeschool one?

this didn't bother me at the time. i smiled and said, yes.

but since. ah, since, it has gnawed at the gray matter of my mind like a little rat that has found a nice piece of pungent cheese.

it was not something that stopped me in my tracks last night, but since. ah, since, i've had many a retort (too late, curse the costanza in me).

the implied judgment of one? the weight of that question, the stress on that word, has made me wonder, is it any less beneficial to homeschool one than five? am i any less a mother because i have only one, not three, like the lady who asked me that question last night?

it hurts me now and she hasn't given it a second thought. so i should just let it go, and i will. with blogger as my ally, i will. blogger sits, the silent priest listening to my confession.

i want to tell that woman how grossly insensitive her comments were. does she know or even care that i long to have more than one, but as yet have not? i get asked that question all the time, like i haven't ever thought of having a second child. (some even go so far as to suggest "options," listen, chances are if we just met and you are offering me fertility information i'm not going to take it. neither will anyone else, so unless you are committing to love and support someone through your damned options, zip it!).

let me share this with you, if there is someone who only has one child, chances are they desperately want more, but for reasons God only knows, it has not happened. don't ask that person, questions about it (because you really don't care why they don't have more, you are probably only making asinine conversation which will be forgotten by you the moment it leaves your lips and the person offers a satisfactory--or any--answer)

but the askee cannot avoid being asked or answering so easily. have you tried to NOT answer the obvious question? i am getting quite good at not answering the questions people are asking, only replying with what i am comfortable with. but people still ask, Lord bless 'em. they still ask. and the next day, the askee is wondering, why do people keep asking me these questions? like there is no benefit to homeschooling only one!

i'll try to get over it now, as you can see, i am not very good at just "not thinking about it." as men are inclined to do. but this is a question, an issue that strikes so deep to my core, that i can't just ignore it or bat it away like some meaningless white fly.

if the Lord has blessed you with many children, praise God. i am happy for you. but don't, please don't ask those of us with only one loaded questions for which we have no answers, for which there are no answers. you see, they hurt.