checking in.

the days get away from me now. i move, in a somewhat haze, but try to be checked in. though as i told my ny best friend,

the present sucks.

what about this moment sucks?

she replied.

i couldn't think of one thing. good food (she feeds me well), good friends (for my daughter and i), and good company (the kind that talks about stuff that matters, not the weather. oh how i love to talk about the weather!).

it's not the present that sucks, it's all the thinking you're doing.

and she was right. but it's hard to shut off the mind. i told my sister today,

i keep trying to change my life, but my life won't change. what is up with that?

seems like i keep finding the same beds and crawling in to them. making the same choices. but marion woodman says,

if you look carefully, you'll see you have come farther. you are not at the same place on the mountain as the last time you came around.

i'll have to take her word for it, because the scenery looks shockingly, starkly, depressingly familiar.

so what do i do?

came home and made a cosmopolitan for starters, and technically it's not drinking alone if you're on the phone with your sister, thank you very much.

marion woodman, again, would say,

we want spirit, so we concretize it in alcohol. we want comfort, so we concretize it in food.

she would know. i am opting not to know. just to ease myself through the present which seems to suck. but it is just my thinking that is making it suck, isn't it?

so how to change that?

not sure. this is why the great army of friends. they advise me on the way i should go. they objectively look in to my life and say,

suz, try this.

and i do. sometimes i find it not for me. but other times, most times, they were right on.

i'm pretty lost right now. not sure when that will change. but my monumental battle is to be checked in. though there are many times i simply want to check out.

words have even lost their appeal and that is a first for me.