get a load in

so,i'm lazing about, i who have no time to laze about, because the dryer and washer are both occupado. maybe it's not cool to finish off someone else's laundry, but this really fucks up my plans to not have this laundry done. and since i've already stripped the bed of my only toasty winter sheets, hell, i have to get this shit done now. so, if i can get a load in before i leave for work, i can come home on my lunch, throw it in the dryer and get on with the program. otherwise, no sheets tonight baby. unless i unearth the cold cotton ones i use in summertime.

don't want to do that. but when i leave my joint, i clean it and wash stuff. so i come home to a decent joint. right now, i'm stalled out with the laundry situation. though, i could be cleaning my bathroom instead of lazing about, but i'm tired. and trying not to push it too much.

tonight i close, tomorrow i open, then leave from work and drive up to boston. i hope i'm not too tired. i think the excitement might carry me, but i passed out at 7 last night and didn't get up again until 9 this morning. a wee bit tired, i'd say. it's the jumbling shifts that keep me fried.

so, my semester starts friday. i hope i get the mentor i want. that amazing poet who took me on last residency. she's the one. the only one i want.

the headache's finally letting up, that's good news. had one since yesterday and didn't want to take meds, but had to. ouch!

so, i must away. lots to do before then.

it'll work out, it has to

that's kind of my mantra. i don't know the details, i just roll with whatever happens. i'm grateful i have the life i do. everyone struggles, i think the question is how much can i enjoy this situation.

it's about the theatre with the right buttered popcorn.
the not exhausting day, when co-workers are laughing together.
the safe return of little girls, and the messes they make.
the long drive (or flight) to see friends.
the reunion of two sisters after too long.

i don't know how it works out, i don't expect to know. but i believe we get what we need, and some to share. we are given opportunities every day to make a difference. in the way we think. in the way we act, in the way we treat one another. that if we're lucky, we're consciously making these decisions. if we're lucky, others are aware of what's going on and conscious as well.

if not, well, there is never a better time to wake up than now.

i sat with a mom at my store today, she was so gracious and while she is struggling she mustered a,

go suzanne! i'm so proud of you

cheer for me as she left.

we cannot change the facts. only redirect our energy and receive the lessons that come to us with dignity. try our best to be kind, and love, deeply, those who are in our lives for whatever reason, for however long.

i know how to love. i'm ready to learn how to be loved. i'm not sure one can learn that on their own. but i think receptivity is part of it.

i'm looking forward to the new year, though i haven't figured out my resolution yet. i think i might have just hit upon it.

receptivity is a powerful thing.

it requires humility and trust. i hope my trend to trust the right people (hear: not the easiest people, but the right people for my life) continues. i'm sure it will.

looking forward. my new year begins with a drive to boston.
doesn't get much better than that. may the weather hold out for my journey. i have been favored thus far, and need that to continue. i'm sure it will.

i see my baby very soon. it's been too long.

ms. my baby

we got to talk a while today, that helped, but my heart is aching and i'm just trying to roll with it.

work is even more crazy than before, and i'm glad i had such a huge chunk of time off, since i'm working eight days straight. then ten days off. i'll be fried by the time i'm off, but it will keep me from missing my girl overlymuch.

while going through stuff, i found a little piece of paper with a boy's name and her cute little handwriting with his last name as hers. it was very sweet. made me happy to see it. at the beginning of the year she was so, no way! to the whole idea of boys. but maybe now not so much.

i miss her though. that's all i can say. i miss her.

today the met

i've never been, and in an act of generosity to remedy that, my best friend is taking me. i forewarned i'm a wanderer and will leave them, to go contemplate the asian art by myself. it draws me. something about it. they want to do greek and roman, and while that is fine, it is not my first choice.

so, i have to get up and get ready. i'm so excited to see the city at christmas. what shoes to wear? i don't want to be too hot inside, so i will risk less insulated shoes. or i'll roast. we're driving, so i don't expect we'll be freezing much. guess i'll find out.

the great dilemma is always for me to take the journal and accompanying artistic tools, or to go without. sometimes inspiration strikes me, but mostly, i've been infusing with beaty and just being present. not asking for works right in the moment. it certainly changes the experience to ask for works at the time.

my music is the second issue. but i'll be with my friend, so i'll likely leave that behind.

got my schedule for next week and ask i suspected, it's jam packed, i asked for as close to forty crammed into four days as possible. she got me to 32, but it involves three back to back opens and a clopen before my five hour drive (which is ill advised) but unavoidable. i thought to ask if there would be anyone willing to switch, and may, but i can't lose hours. so, we'll see. that will be rough though and that week will be about getting as much sleep as possible before the clopen. because the drive begins immediately after that opening shift ends. sounds dangerous to me, but there may be no way around it.

i'm grateful for the work, but wish it wasn't so erratic, my schedule. three opens a close and open, is just too difficult to adjust to.

but i must away, time to ready myself for the city.

so excited, can't wait.

the cost

do you know what it reminds me of? that picture of you sitting on a bench. i wish i had that picture, had asked you for it. before the madness that is.

but i'm here, alive. trying to live. trying to grow. trying.

i found this vacation that i made myself take was worth every moment. every single moment. i loved it. even though i was alone, it was priceless. and i got to bond with my dear friend. what else can you ask for.

not much.

the belly dance, wasn't too bad, i think. and the reading, went as well as can be expected. i enjoyed it. felt like i was doing what i am supposed to be doing with my life.

today she told me,

your creativity costs a lot.

yes.

it requires a lot of you.

yes.

not many understand that. they can't. but i've committed everything to this, it's who i am.

i can see it, i recognize when it hits. when you've got a poem. you get this look.

right.

it's nice there is someone in my life who sees me. someone i can touch and spend time with. we lay on her floor reading and giggling like schoolgirls today. it's not how we mean to act, it's how we naturally act. we just revert to type. ultimately, we're just girls.

and today, she kept telling me,

take a nap. you're in a bad mood, whether you realize it or not.

i was spewing negativity today, and wasn't easy to handle. i'm glad she could.

sometimes, i want only to be left alone, but that doesn't seem to be in the cards for me, because as much as i want to hole up and go it alone, i need her, just as much as she needs me.

amen.

the unnamed fish

so, i guess it doesn't bode well that my kid isn't even naming her fish anymore. i get home from a wonderful trip to find him nosediving in the bowl. sigh. i had to tell her, she probably cried. i could have found another one, fooled her, or tried to, but i'm not big on lies. that's just bullshit. so, i told her. she was none too pleased. tells me

that's eight now.

i tried to tell her

dad killed the last one,

but she says,

i blame you.

ah, perfect. i didn't want to take my fish to be sat because i knew i'd get lectured by my friend on the fine art of fish care, and look, it died. perfect.

so, i'll send him to his watery grave and be done with it. i guess i'll just buy her a new one when she gets back. since i already have a bowl and food. i was planning on getting her a second one anyway, so i'll limit the number of casualties by putting it off until she returns.

poor thing. i feel just awful.

oh well, it happens. he was beautiful though, and i miss him too.

let's play

leaving bright and early tomorrow morning for arizona.

so ready for this, so glad i'm forcing myself to play. it's time the donkey is set free the grinding wheel. i'm tired and just need to rest. all told, i have five days off in a row. without residency being involved, i'm so stoked.

work is now waaay crazy busy, and while it's good, it's exhausting. but i'd rather be busy than bored. i'm just grateful for it all.

today was fun and went by fast. i hope to enjoy the weekend and take it slow. meet some new people, and just enjoy them. see some old faces and get reacquainted.

teach me how to play.

ain't no sunshine when she's gone

i would say it to anyone, my counsel always is, feel it. deeply.
don't get around the pain, don't bypass the bullshit. go through it. wallow in it.

my best friend says i love my emotions. and it's not so much that i love them as i've contended with them all my life, and now have come to accept them.

i wonder what' i'll do while she's away. i realized when i left the airport that a mother separated from her child is disoriented in some ways. everything centers around the child, every last damn thing. it's like losing true north.

so my whirly gigs been spinning wildly looking for what direction to point because there is no particular need to point in any direction, and i'd forgotten how good it is to be a mom. to be fully mom. mommy 24-7.

i even left my phone in my bag at work, she won't be needing me that immediately for a while, and well, it's just strange is all.

watching funny videos without her beside me, and well, they seem silly. much of what i do seems silly. and in some ways my silliness, and being constantly reminded that i'm weird is what i'm missing most.

i do hope she's having fun, i'm sure she is. i know she is.

and that is really all that matters.

just don't freak out

we have to get up so early to get to the airport, and i won't be boarding the plane with her. that's the toughest part. it's these moments when i ask, what has my life become? is this right? when i stop and think of the alternative, there is no alternative. this is life.

i'm going to miss being here,

she confessed.

i know. just enjoy where you are. be there. have fun.

it will be tough, flying back and forth between us, but it must be what it is. it must. there is no other way. or it would have happened that way.

and i must trust her to the kindness of strangers, to the gentleness in the eyes of good people. and i must let her go. from my arms, from my home, and grow. grow into the woman she will someday become.

tonight, i just have to not fall apart.

we both seem to be trying to muster courage. but we'll make it.

together.

speak to me

i spoke to her briefly about you. told her what i could, and that i have been told to drop it. but i can't. i can't.

so, the story goes on. i will give it a while more. though, it is momentum carrying me at this point. i knew i had no strength left, and that forward movement must come from some other source. i am not sure if setting yourself up is considered another source, but i've done the best i can to arrange my life so that i end up where i want to be.

why wouldn't i continue with my education. my best friend, very well schooled, tells me that graduate school is another world. so, i need to just enjoy it.

i understand what they want of me, and fortunately, the poem commissioned of me will serve more purposes than i had originally foreseen. i turned it in jacked up, revised it, but only minorly and mostly because i had a prof demanding it.

so, i will continue in that vein with that poem, because it is a mythic piece i am not emotionally connected to. i like the poem, yes, but this poem will be my revision exercise, because, it still needs work, i can see that.

now to understand the distinction for me between what needs work still (though i've known from the start that this poem needs work, i just did the best i could in moment. usually, if someone interrupts the flow of a poem i'm writing, i lose the thread, but this poem. i had so much pressure to get it in that moment, i held that thread through the stream of interruption).

what i turned in and read at samhain though, was not my best work, it was what i could produce in moment. has the poem improve with subsequent revision, of course.

but the difference for me here is, i knew it needed revision when i wrote it. i was not emotionally tied to it being complete, because i knew as it was coming out that it wasn't. that is huge. i'm not sure other writers experience this, but i'm sure they do. i saw what was coming from my hand and knew it was not fully formed.

just like when i wrote my odysseus piece, i knew i dropped a line, i wrote it out and sent it saying,

i dropped a line.

then i picked up the line. it just came to me and fit so seamlessly into the poem that i had to let it ride.

that is revision for me. the poem has not changed since that incarnation because it is done.

they want me, the mfa program, to revise for the program.

i will, i guess i just need friends to commission works that i'm not wed to emotionally. the distinction for me is huge.

i did submit my seduction poems written for my dark muse for this workshop. i don't know why, those are finished. and i just want to hear what people say.

not sure what i'll read at the student reading either. again, need three rockin' minutes. who knows, maybe i'll write something new.

goodbye

sometimes endings write themselves, and for those times i am now grateful, there is simply too much on my plate for me to fret about anyone other than my kid at this point.

trying to focus on my upcoming belly dance, but work is demanding. with the kids calling in sick at what seems their leisure, it's tough to know when i will have time to rest. i have a very short week when i go to arizona, and i think i want to just play when i'm there. i won't pick up the extra time, so i can have some fun and be rested when i get there.

today is the third time in as many days men have stopped me to tell me how beautiful i am, at work, no less. this is a kind compliment as most of the time i'm getting shit from customers and it gets old.

this one guy said,

the first time i saw you, i thought...

and i interjected,

i was a bitch, right?

yes.

i know, i intimdate men.

yes. but you're really a sweetheart.

and so today, this man is looking at me and hands me his card, an artist apparently. does still lifes. asked me if i wanted to be drawn.

still not sure. but part of me says, why not.

i don't know. it is nice, especially when i'm wasted tired to get a compliment, my gosh, could you imagine if i actually felt decent.

ha!

let them know

so, i'm bringing some very strong poems to residency. who wouldn't? they are going to be scrutinzed. we are told not to bring finished poems, per se. but to bring poems in process. not first drafts.

ha!

can you call what i do a first draft? it is as near a final draft as anything. we'll see. i plan on choosing a tough advisor this semester. it is what i must do. i figure, being guided down some path (and, arguably struggling through it), is better than fighting phantoms alone.

i am tired of fighting phantoms.

it comes up all the time, and i considered driving away in the middle of our day together because she said i am conjuring you. which may in fact be true.

but i can't not want you with me even in misty form.

however, i'm ready now to move on. ready for the tangible. i've loved the intangible for too long.

and now, while she tells me to cast you away, i determine to look at you one last long gaze. and if you walk out of shadow, so be it.

if not, i will find the strength to move on. i must.

fare thee well beloved.

play

it was important for me to rest up, because today, i have to work on my belly dance. since my class was cancelled last night, and last week, i need to tighten this up and make sure i have everything ready. two weeks until arizona.

i think i know which poems i'll read. we'll see.

as far as the trip, i need it. i'll likely take time to go up to my ex's reservation and visit his family, say goodbye to them, as i won't likely see them again.

i need to get up and tidy up the apt but i'm quite comfortable and that is the problem. but there is much to do before i meet with my cohort in play.

tomorrow we go to the farm and my girl has her last lesson before leaving for texas. it will be so strange, and being alone for christmas is an interesting idea. wonder what i'll do. know i'm going to work that day or night (not sure) at my old store. my old boss, a favorite guy, and me will make up the crew that day. it will be fun. seems they miss me there. and i'm glad. i took the exit i needed to take, and i'm very content at my new store.

being constantly busy is something.

though, sometimes, at six am on sunday mornings, we are still and quiet and the store is kind of nice. my young friend said,

this is the store they come for, it's not the store they get.

nope. it's not. it's quite a noisy place.

and i think i've lost my headphones.

ah well. it is what it is.

not busy

for technically being less busy, i'm exhausted.

got my paper back from my prof yesterday, haven't even glanced at it. no time. have been passing out as soon as i get home, then i'm up at times like now. which is produtive when i've got schoolwork, but not so much now. my schedule hast mostly shifted to a days schedule, with one close. now some of the other kids are closing all the time, and i have to just be cool with that. i did it for a long time.

we had a really nice, slow day. but then, a tidal wave of people came through, of course just as one left for the day, one left for break, leaving me and the new guy. it always happens like that. poor planning on my part probably, but i'd rather be slammin busy, than standing around. stood around a lot today. had a good time with customers, which isn't always something i do, but should. i know.

friday i have a manuscript due for next critique session at residency. haven't even begun to figure out what to compile. i'll likely just throw some things together and send it in. chum the waters so they can attack if they'd like. but my work generates little by way of sound critique. mostly people don't get what i'm doing (and therefore, can take a hike), or don't have anything bad to say. which i find interestingly consistent in my experience.

i'm up because i've wanted to tell you that while i disagree with your means, i appreciate the ends. particularly since i've known. i've known all along. quite the conundrum for me though, only in that i can't keep waiting forever. i'm tired of it.

nothing has changed, though i try to force myself to walk a different road. and when my heart cries out for you, i just shake my head but understand, it's how i'm wired. it has been happening a lot lately, and i didn't understand it.

perhaps there are a lot of reasons.

so much has changed, everything has changed. yet, nothing has changed.

and i long for that place, that white sand beach of my dreams.