not busy

for technically being less busy, i'm exhausted.

got my paper back from my prof yesterday, haven't even glanced at it. no time. have been passing out as soon as i get home, then i'm up at times like now. which is produtive when i've got schoolwork, but not so much now. my schedule hast mostly shifted to a days schedule, with one close. now some of the other kids are closing all the time, and i have to just be cool with that. i did it for a long time.

we had a really nice, slow day. but then, a tidal wave of people came through, of course just as one left for the day, one left for break, leaving me and the new guy. it always happens like that. poor planning on my part probably, but i'd rather be slammin busy, than standing around. stood around a lot today. had a good time with customers, which isn't always something i do, but should. i know.

friday i have a manuscript due for next critique session at residency. haven't even begun to figure out what to compile. i'll likely just throw some things together and send it in. chum the waters so they can attack if they'd like. but my work generates little by way of sound critique. mostly people don't get what i'm doing (and therefore, can take a hike), or don't have anything bad to say. which i find interestingly consistent in my experience.

i'm up because i've wanted to tell you that while i disagree with your means, i appreciate the ends. particularly since i've known. i've known all along. quite the conundrum for me though, only in that i can't keep waiting forever. i'm tired of it.

nothing has changed, though i try to force myself to walk a different road. and when my heart cries out for you, i just shake my head but understand, it's how i'm wired. it has been happening a lot lately, and i didn't understand it.

perhaps there are a lot of reasons.

so much has changed, everything has changed. yet, nothing has changed.

and i long for that place, that white sand beach of my dreams.