the cost

do you know what it reminds me of? that picture of you sitting on a bench. i wish i had that picture, had asked you for it. before the madness that is.

but i'm here, alive. trying to live. trying to grow. trying.

i found this vacation that i made myself take was worth every moment. every single moment. i loved it. even though i was alone, it was priceless. and i got to bond with my dear friend. what else can you ask for.

not much.

the belly dance, wasn't too bad, i think. and the reading, went as well as can be expected. i enjoyed it. felt like i was doing what i am supposed to be doing with my life.

today she told me,

your creativity costs a lot.

yes.

it requires a lot of you.

yes.

not many understand that. they can't. but i've committed everything to this, it's who i am.

i can see it, i recognize when it hits. when you've got a poem. you get this look.

right.

it's nice there is someone in my life who sees me. someone i can touch and spend time with. we lay on her floor reading and giggling like schoolgirls today. it's not how we mean to act, it's how we naturally act. we just revert to type. ultimately, we're just girls.

and today, she kept telling me,

take a nap. you're in a bad mood, whether you realize it or not.

i was spewing negativity today, and wasn't easy to handle. i'm glad she could.

sometimes, i want only to be left alone, but that doesn't seem to be in the cards for me, because as much as i want to hole up and go it alone, i need her, just as much as she needs me.

amen.