keep your head in the game

i keep trying to remain focused on the moment. the present and not drift off into what hasn't happened, what could happen, what won't happen. all cautionary places for me, and today, there is so much. this moment is safe though, i must remind myself of this.

i guess it's the uncertainty, the not yet. what's coming. i've been wanting it, waiting for it, and find myself curiously intimidated by the joy beckoning me. as if i've stumbled into someone else's life. but that's not right. that can't be right. i have had a version of this same talk with so many people now, the being trapped is a lie talk, that i can almost recite the cadence of it without the other person saying much. which is helpful. some are reluctant to talk of such deeply personal things. if i launch off into my world as i see it talk, it is helpful to say my bit.

though there is one who disagreed, and we discussed it.

but it's not always that way, suzanne.

and i tried to explain my position more clearly. i can be obtuse. though we did agree, earlier, when i had the talk with a different soul, that the highest use of discourse is not agreement, never agreement, but communication. to say,

this is where i'm at. these are the facts of the matter. where are you?

and who wants a canned lecture on being trapped anyway. but i could use one right now. maybe i should go talk to myself in the mirror and tell myself it will be all right. that these momentary afflictions serve a purpose.

what purpose

i do not know. we cannot know until we are looking back over our shoulder at where we've been. when we manage to see how far we've come.

sometimes, i guess, i get overwhelmed by how far there is to go.

tipsy

sometimes my scales get full and i have trouble balancing them. it's not so easy when there is so much going on. but i believe it will all be well, that which needs to happen, does. that sort of thing. i had to remind myself that what i am asking, what i want is not selfish. it is not unreasonable, it is right. i was so stunned by the conversation i had to call my mom to do a, can you believe this check. it was profoundly unbelievable what was said.

she couldn't believe it either.

the good news is, my uncle is healing quite well and his strength is abundant. sometimes i think it takes a brush with death to value life. unfortunately, this is the case more often than not, i think.

now, i'm in a storm of my own making. seems i can't sit quietly on my hands when it's silent, i have to keep flipping over rocks to see what's there. usually, it ain't pretty what crawls out, but i'm compelled to look anyway.

i'm trusting that it all works out, that which needs to happen does.

and i'm believing it will all be well.

not again.

i meant to take it easy this semester, to only do my mfa and one job. but, an internship is available that i can't, really can't pass up. if i'm not going to go for it, not going to try, then why be alive. if i'm just going to take it easy, not going to get anywhere, especially now. i'm tired but i learned a lot last semester and i wonder if it was because i was pushing myself so hard, to do so much. i am wired that way, my mind wanders when i get bored. and the challenges that were coming to me were not of the variety i needed, or so i thought. perhaps i just need to do this one more thing, though next semester i plan on doing something similar. so it really isn't just one more thing, i know that even as i write it there is a bit of selfdeception, or veiled truth going on. but as i said, if not now, then when.

so, i emailed my resume early this morning with an inquiry. we'll see if i get it. if i don't, problem solved. i probably need to buy a mac though for this gig. but i would, that's how badly i want it.

i've been looking at an apartment, and hope to be able today to fill out the application. i want it. a real bedroom. a real bathtub. these are luxuries i have not had in years. my own space. a room of my own, as they say.

it's something, particularly as a marriage disintigrates to ash, that one must simply survive. i have done that for so long. i long lamented the lack of personal space. those six months of being solo were quiet, and necessary. now, my girl has been crammed in with me for the better part of a year and it's time. high time, past time we find our own way in the world.

i am certain that where i'm planning to move it the place. there is a community there, of which i flutter on the outskirts. i don't know that i will ever fully enter in, but i will, at least, be welcome to if i want. that is what matters.

all is well. i have been happy and peaceful for the first time in a great while. after court and getting sole custody of my daughter, i slept. i think the anticipation was more wearisome than i had imagined it could be.

she just won champion in her division at a horse show and i'm grateful she is finding joy too. she's worked hard for it. she's learned to accept it in small graces. and, she's learning how to let go.

it is well. it is all so very well.