keep your head in the game

i keep trying to remain focused on the moment. the present and not drift off into what hasn't happened, what could happen, what won't happen. all cautionary places for me, and today, there is so much. this moment is safe though, i must remind myself of this.

i guess it's the uncertainty, the not yet. what's coming. i've been wanting it, waiting for it, and find myself curiously intimidated by the joy beckoning me. as if i've stumbled into someone else's life. but that's not right. that can't be right. i have had a version of this same talk with so many people now, the being trapped is a lie talk, that i can almost recite the cadence of it without the other person saying much. which is helpful. some are reluctant to talk of such deeply personal things. if i launch off into my world as i see it talk, it is helpful to say my bit.

though there is one who disagreed, and we discussed it.

but it's not always that way, suzanne.

and i tried to explain my position more clearly. i can be obtuse. though we did agree, earlier, when i had the talk with a different soul, that the highest use of discourse is not agreement, never agreement, but communication. to say,

this is where i'm at. these are the facts of the matter. where are you?

and who wants a canned lecture on being trapped anyway. but i could use one right now. maybe i should go talk to myself in the mirror and tell myself it will be all right. that these momentary afflictions serve a purpose.

what purpose

i do not know. we cannot know until we are looking back over our shoulder at where we've been. when we manage to see how far we've come.

sometimes, i guess, i get overwhelmed by how far there is to go.