Monday, June 14, 2010

not again.

i meant to take it easy this semester, to only do my mfa and one job. but, an internship is available that i can't, really can't pass up. if i'm not going to go for it, not going to try, then why be alive. if i'm just going to take it easy, not going to get anywhere, especially now. i'm tired but i learned a lot last semester and i wonder if it was because i was pushing myself so hard, to do so much. i am wired that way, my mind wanders when i get bored. and the challenges that were coming to me were not of the variety i needed, or so i thought. perhaps i just need to do this one more thing, though next semester i plan on doing something similar. so it really isn't just one more thing, i know that even as i write it there is a bit of selfdeception, or veiled truth going on. but as i said, if not now, then when.

so, i emailed my resume early this morning with an inquiry. we'll see if i get it. if i don't, problem solved. i probably need to buy a mac though for this gig. but i would, that's how badly i want it.

i've been looking at an apartment, and hope to be able today to fill out the application. i want it. a real bedroom. a real bathtub. these are luxuries i have not had in years. my own space. a room of my own, as they say.

it's something, particularly as a marriage disintigrates to ash, that one must simply survive. i have done that for so long. i long lamented the lack of personal space. those six months of being solo were quiet, and necessary. now, my girl has been crammed in with me for the better part of a year and it's time. high time, past time we find our own way in the world.

i am certain that where i'm planning to move it the place. there is a community there, of which i flutter on the outskirts. i don't know that i will ever fully enter in, but i will, at least, be welcome to if i want. that is what matters.

all is well. i have been happy and peaceful for the first time in a great while. after court and getting sole custody of my daughter, i slept. i think the anticipation was more wearisome than i had imagined it could be.

she just won champion in her division at a horse show and i'm grateful she is finding joy too. she's worked hard for it. she's learned to accept it in small graces. and, she's learning how to let go.

it is well. it is all so very well.

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