betting hedges

hedging bets, whatever. i'm not into it. i'd rather end up with my own issues at the end of following my instict than to lure someone or something along to make me safe, to keep me safe. to try to attain safety, which, i've come to discover, is not a static thing. safety is more of a state of being.

a line in one of my poems says it best,

i can wait out the storm in the safety of myself.

yes, that's it. much as i hate quoting myself, sometimes i've already said what i'm trying to say, no point in trying to reframe it in words.

but i'm feeling the urge, the need to write again, and that's good. writing grounds me.

i want what others want, i just don't want it in the way they do. i've had the family, the marriage, the child. now i need to find peace, peace which includes a place for my child. she is a part of me, a large part of me. there is no peace for me without her.

she has been away from me for about a month, or it will be just over when she arrives in california to be here with me for my last two weeks. i spent every free cent i had to secure her arrival, but i would do it again in a heartbeat. i missed her, it was as if i was inhabiting two coasts. the heart cannot be so divided for long.

i am counting down the days till her arrival. and she was going to be brave,

to stick it out,

as she put it. but i said,

no, come. we all want to see you.

and when i called her and told her she was flying out next friday, she let out a

whoo hoo!

which made me happy. i could hear her joy.

her dad must resign himself to this fact, as she is a young lady now, and her cousins, teenagers, are going to be more interesting to her than being home with a parent. sadly.

it's not about what we want so much anymore, though, i'm grateful she's coming to me. that my heart will be housed under the same roof again. it's about what is best for her. i am reminded of this, in so many of the choices i've been presented with of late, this has been my utmost consideration, however it has looked.

one of my friends gave me a stern talking to about not prioritizing her, but she is all i prioritize. i think of nothing else but her, when she is under someone else's watchful eye, i relax my stance for awhile. single parents are not often afforded the luxury of inattention. so when i have the chance, i relish it.

i have lived fully in her absence. though i live fully in her presence, i'm glad, so grateful she is coming to be with me.

she is what matters.

and i trust that which needs to happen, will.

now to find a real job.