hiking today

i'm going to be trudging through the rocky new jersey mountains with a group of women today. i'm excited about it. it helps me to feel alive, getting out, getting active. yesterday, i walked over the hudson river, there is a walkover bridge in poughkeepsie that i had been to once before, and i went there yesterday to reclaim it. to see it afresh.

i found myself thinking about what has been, what will come, and making a choice. as i watched couples, old and young pass by, i could have envied their togetherness, but i did not. i smiled at them and wished them well. i'm at a different place in my life now. i am choosing to be single. i am choosing to own my own life, entirely. to take it back one step at a time.

there is much to do, much to be done, always. but i intend to enjoy it all. somehow, the goodness of my life turned to something other than that. and i want goodness. i want peace. i want to manifest abundance in my life, for myself and those around me.

reading a book that is wonderfully affirming. in it the authors write:

many problems can be eliminated by the following intention: i am willing to expand continuously in positive energy with totally positive consequences for myself and others. --gay and kathryn hendricks, conscious loving.

which follows closely on the heels of another quote i read:

often we take our partner for granted when we should be seeing them as a principle object of our compassion. the tibetan word for compassion is nyingje, which can be more directly translated as 'noble heart.' this is a helpful term when thinking about bringing compassion into our most intimate relationships: we need to fully offer those closest to us our noble heart. --lodro rinzler

sometimes i get to wondering if i'm delusional. if relationships can actually be good. and yes, i believe they can. i still believe they can. i have never seen a functional relationship up close, but that doesn't mean i don't believe they exist. i've never seen a koala up close, but i believe they exist. this is no different.

i was reading a book by elizabeth gilbert, committed, where she tells a story about porcupines. she had a particular name for it, but i forget what that is. the story goes, when porcupines get cold, they huddle together. when they get close enough to benefit from the warmth, they also feel the others' quills. this causes them to retreat from one another, though they get cold again and commend huddling up again. this dance continues endlessly for the dear porcupine.

i have been called a porcupine in the past. i have known it takes a certain kind of person to handle me. i understand relationships to be about what we can handle from one another. not that we look for flawed people, but, i have come to understand we are all flawed people. each and every one of us. so when you find that person who can tolerate your stuff, and i find that person who can tolerate my stuff (and not just tolerate, but truly love you for it and through it), that is gold baby. not to be taken lightly.

having been through so many ups and downs emotionally, relationally, i feel equipped to say this: love is the most powerful force there is. it can revolutionize lives. do i want to prove this to someone, fight them to believe this. absolutely not. i am out there to do what i do, i understand that i have a capacity to love my people. those poor dear souls who find their way into my presence. poor, you see because they too have to endure me.

i'm grateful for this opportunity to learn. to grow. to become. that is what it's all about.