be happy, just not around me.

almost to the midpoint of the year, and i find my quest for happiness continues. even when i hit bumps, or have major wrecks, as the case may be.

so far, it is going well in my master's program and i expect no less. i am teaching on saturday, the only "extra" i did not remove from my schedule to focus on school. i am not entirely sure why things happen when they do, or how they do, but i trust that we have not come here for naught.

even the seeming inexplicable has purpose, i believe this. it is not that i cannot abide meaninglessness, i am the first one to say,

let something be, we don't have to understand it.

but, when i am truly baffled by events unfolding, it is better to just trust.

so i unplug now, i move beyond reach. i shut my doors and windows to those who would intrude. and open them to those beautiful summer's days ahead. the water waiting to carry me.

i am ready for more joy, more peace, more happiness, and those willing to partake in that with me.

windowboxes

there is no assurance, none. we do the best we can and believe in the abundance of the universe. the trick is, not to give yourself over to fear. i have understood trust is the key for a great while. i get many opportunities to confirm this belief.

i am beginning to write happy and this is a great cause for celebration. though i realized, while my approach may have changed, i have to allow myself to back out of uncomfortable situations and be true to myself. whatever that means.

there are so many opportunities to misfire. i have to let the few that get away from me, go. just go. once i clear my weapon and center myself, then i can begin again. it is not realistic to expect that i will not fire. perhaps someday, i will lay my weapons down entirely, but i am not yet at that point in my life.

i am no longer bracing myself in defensive posture, but i do have reactionary moments.

it's kind of like the dog whisperer, the more i blow it, the more opportunities i have to fix it. whatever it happens to be.

mercifully, the blowing it is decreasing. and i am grateful.

as the gerber daisies in my window simply are, emanating beauty by their very presence. so too, by owning my life, my needs, my dreams, i can learn to simply be present in each and every moment.

crazy busy

early january i found myself lazing about, i had intentionally taken leave of all my commitments and set to enjoying my time, because i knew, when it got started up again, it would be--and it is--madness.

i had a conversation with my mom about it,

how doing nothing gets boring.

and she said,

it's a real challenge to be retired.

i surmised, quite appropriately, that i do better when i am busy. but busy and crazy busy are two different things.

it seems, i commit myself to a task and throw myself into it so completely that it can easily consume me. but now i've applied for another master's program in which i will study psychology. this excites me to no end. but i am taking stock. currently, i am finishing up a graduate independent study which was graciously offered to me in lieu of a bachelor's in psych. all this because i couldn't write my contemplative writing process book. i tried to get the words out last summer but i got bogged down in the research. i am hoping the fires of a critical thesis will help me birth something that has long been simmering away in my crock pot. talk about a mixed metaphor. anyway, i needed some help. and i've gotten a lot, but i need to expand my horizons in ways that make sense to me. even if they are confusing to others. i do not fear the difficult road.

come april first, i begin again. i start taking research methods, educational standards and disciplinary foundations. this excites me. i like a challenge. i do not know that i will ever stop seeking knowledge, formally or informally. the quest has always intrigued me.

i sat down yesterday and evaluated my life, where i'm at, and had a long talk with my mom about it. she has the finest business sense of anyone i know. she is retired and waits by the phone for my calls, which are frequent in recent years. i am grateful that she can help me sort out my many plans and ideas. sometimes, just the act of her listening to me ramble on, helps me get clear on my decision.

so, i attempt some balance, but i seem to veer quite distinctly between sloth and hyper-activity. yet my inside, my core, my being feels calm. a placid place at last. i am grateful for this journey, for all the twists and turns. and my hope is that i will soon be able to articulate all the ideas that have been brewing inside me for so long.

bottom lines.

been up since 2am contemplating. or trying to make some sense out of the contents of my mind, is more like it. i'm tired. physically, but mentally the wheels on the bus go round and round.

so i decided to do some reading, at 3:30, rather than watch the freakshow helplessly, i cracked open a textbook and read twenty pages. that brings us to now, you're completely caught up.

i think i want to do right by everyone and ultimately that means doing right by no one. the tension of the opposites. i've never been one of those personalities that could just do something and not do it well. when i don't do something well, it bothers me. if it bothers me, i tweak it or realize it's not my forte and move on.

i'm thinking, moving on, with this particular mindfuck.

bottom line is, i have too much to do. the last time i was in a master's program i had half the commitments i do now. common sense says, lose some of the commitments. what would go first, the things i don't do well and that keep me up all hours of the night.

it makes sense to me.

possibly the worst part about this is, that was my big moment of rest. i had an incredibly productive day, i got it all done. every last thing on my list. then, why am i still awake. what is the deal.

i have to be obligated first to myself, to honoring myself. then, if i've still got it to give, i will give it. right now, i'm thinking, i don't have it to give.

dealing with the reeling

i try not to get sideswiped by ill news, who does. i am trying not to go down grim and dark roads in light of this latest urp in my napkin, shall we say.

on the bright side, i made a fine bean soup from scratch, and it is comforting me. a few handfulls each of black, kidney, chickpea, pinto, lentils, and an assortment of fresh vegetables, spinach, zuccini, bell peppers--yellow and orange, broccoli, and stewed tomatoes. i've finished it off with feta cheese, and it is a surprisingly light, hearty soup that makes my heart happy.

again, i repeat, i don't know how it all plays out. i have only these starry eyes and a desire to see what looks so substantial in my mind, come to fruition in this, my lifetime.

i can tell myself the stories that have assuaged me in the past, about van gogh. i can claim to be out of time, but i no longer think that is the case. i think it is time. this is my time.

so what will i make of it.

again, not entirely sure. i have some dreams, some ideas, some inklings, if you will. i know whom i want to spend the rest of my years with, but we do not know where. it is all to be played out.

i trust, whatever comes, it will be as it must be. that joy will find me waiting with open arms and bring with it a whole host of guests i had never dreamed of entertaining. back in the day i lamented the guests at my door, now, i swing it back on its hinges and say,

welcome. one and all. i embrace you.

the flow

i know there are a lot of ways to feel it, to be with it. i experience it differently depending on the day, the hour, the week. something about my movement through life, i am finding it is not linear, absolutely not linear.

i do not know if time travel is possible, but i have spent so much time in my memories, my dreams, my present, that i often lean more toward yes, it is possible, than no.

what is time anyway.

i don't mean clock time. i'm not necessarily talking about the movement of the sun, the ticking off of days according to some calendar. think about it for a moment. the now. it is expansive and retractive, depending on the moment itself.

remember that song, the one playing the first time you kissed her, or the band that you went to see on your first date. how is it, that when you hear or encounter those things, a wash of memory, of emotion, of something akin to time comes into the now. into the present moment.

what is that, exactly.

remember how her hair stuck straight up when she woke up that first morning you slept together. how she looked when you were curled up beside her watching her sleep. the line of her eyes intersecting the pillow, the way it smooshed her face up and she was so relaxed, at peace. and you tiptoed away to start the coffee and fry some potatoes. when you lay that extra blanket over her, she nuzzled into it, as you returned to your preparations for morning. now, when you reach for that pan, slice up those potatoes, set the coffee to brew, it all comes back in a flash, an instant so brief, yet so ripe with memory it feels timeless, that the flash of it, like lightning, is all you need to remind you.

i have these moments when it is all so then, yet entirely now. these are the moments that convince me of the fluidity of time. we cannot travel down a road and not be changed. we cannot step into the same river twice, yet we are forever stepping into that river for the first time.

does this make sense. are you following.

i have always had these glimpses of tomorrow. flashes of the future, and when some come to pass, i have understood it to be

dejavu.

though i have heard prophetic types describe that instance as

confirmation

a certainty that you are on track. where you should be. mind you, the flashes are ever in flux, times and people, decisions change. there is no set path. there is always freedom to change direction, and for that i am grateful. for we cannot know, we can never know what the moment will bring. we can only trust that all that needs to happen does. the moment is complete in and of itself. there is nothing to add to it, and nothing to take away.

do you look through the same eyes in every situation then.

true, you are still the same person, the same spirit, the same being. but are you truly the same, unaltered person each moment of your life. i do not think so. some would call it decay, that the body is degenerating.

but i like to think of it as a ripening process. we are blossoming. we are finding ourselves. we are becoming who we are more with each moment, each acceptance, each lesson learned. the actual physical body, or the eyes, may indeed be the same in the technical sense, i am not looking out of your eye sockets. but the eyes themselves, not the function of them, but the essence of them, the spirit, that is, is evolving. that's a loaded word. that is why i like the concept of blossoming.

perhaps it is possible to be in perpetual bloom. i would like to think it is. and every morning, the flower opens her petals again. so, with those fresh eyes, those freshly peeled eyes, you get a chance to glimpse your day. your moment, anew.

that, to me, coupled with the intersection of memory and foresight, is what comprises what i will call time travel. we are fluid. we are being. we are energy.

static is the exception, not the rule.

may it be so

tonight i was in some ungodly pose when sophie came over and said,

you are so strong and flexible, more than even three weeks ago.

mind you, my feet, not just a foot, or an area of the foot, but my entire two feet cramped up after a moon salutation tonight. i got cramps in my thighs and rib cage (didn't know rib cages could cramp, but mine did tonight), and i'm not sure what else was going on. needless to say, i was not at my most powerful. but i have been taking gentle yoga from sophie. two separate sessions of it. and while it is not physically taxing, it is helping me to slow down and connect with my breath. i have been wanting that, been needing that. and not always do i get it. but i'm moving at such a fast pace most of my regular life that when i get into yoga and i'm jumping and trying to keep up, it doesn't help me attain the proper form.

i think my form is okay, that is, it doesn't suck entirely, but now that i've been in gentle yoga, i've slowed down enough to settle into a pose. to feel it in my bones. i think i was just feeling it in my muscles before. and maybe that's what i needed. it must have been, because we get what we need.

but now. there is a quiet and calm that settles over me like a cloud when i enter the yoga room and sit on my mat. i am often one of the first ones in the room, so i lay out my mat and spread myself out. my mind still races, but at least i remember to breathe now.

i told sophie this about a year and a half ago.

breathing is hard!

i just couldn't get it. but now, i think, i've not got it completely, but i am closer to it than ever before.

i'm tired. i'm stretched out. i'm ready to rest.

thank you,

i said to sophie.

no, thank you,

she replied.