Wednesday, April 27, 2005

still me

with my husband's return to work, i imagined i'd be a happier, content, more at peace me than i was before.

but that is not what i am finding.

i am finding the same junk that was with me yesterday, and yesterday before yesterday, is with me here today.

how in need of healing i am.

yesterday, however, i didn't yell and get loud, praise God. i was able to be aware of my crabbiness and not vent it. which is something after all, if not much. it is a beginning.

do not despise the days of small beginnings. my word then as now.

in these small beginnings when i muddy my feet and soil my hands, coming ever before Him longing for healing, restoration, cleanliness.

He moves on me with Love, ever and always with Love.

He is the same, Yesterday, Today, Forever. and i am grateful.

in sunday school someone read the poem aloud, which i have read many times over my life. it always struck me as so profound, so true.

if you look for Me in the past, I AM not there, my name is not I Was.
if you look for Me in the fututre, I AM not there, my name is not I Will Be.


these days of longing, for past respite, for future hope, these days of heading in a direction i prayed was out. i meandered often through memories of days past, and He was there. Healing me, reminding me of where He has brought me. of the liberation He has fashioned.

in these days when i hoped for a future release, and He gave me glimpses of the road ahead, He was there too. promising me great and wonderful things. things too full of His presence for me to dream up.

He is Omnipresent.

we belittle God in our poetry. in our trite sayings.
a friend said,
sometimes things have to be simplified to get through them.

i say,
why simplify God? why not Magnify Him? Why not contemplate His actual attributes and revel in that glory? why, rather, sequester Him in a place that minimizes His grandeur?

my benadryl haze of yesterday faded, and my wise husband tells me i need to take benadryl at night so i won't feel drugged all day long. ah yes. where would i be if it weren't for him.

so today, i will mind my tone and fix my gaze on Him who is everywhere at all times present. and revel in His magnificence. i must remember not to despise this frame of dust, but to bring it, with all its limitations before the One who can make it whole and pure.

i am frailty, but so are you. He Alone is wholeness.

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