Saturday, August 27, 2005

darkdayscome

typically when i clean my house, i hear from God. He speaks, i listen. sometimes i get poetry. today's was black. and i hesitate to even share it. i probably won't except for my dearest friends until i get some space between it and me.

there is something to be said for putting it out there, purging. it lightens the mental load. it quiets the clamour. and i can be silent without so much fury.

but that is saying too much for the christian, isn't it? we don't have dark days, or if we do, we don't speak of them. they are things of the past (moments ago, but past, leave them there).

rebuke it


my mom would say. and she's probably right.

but not today, i wrote about it. i let the lines come and wrote them across the page where they sit, and i wonder if anyone in the world feels this way, has these days.

sometimes i feel so broken, unmended and unmade.

then i go to the piano and play amazing grace. and let the words run over my soul, the melody drive away the things that frighten me, that i could lose the unloseable. that i could quench the unquenchable, that i could doubt the Father of Truth.

it all comes down to that. do i believe He gives without revocation? do i trust He will be with me even in the midst of utter darkness? do i remember how to get back or is there no need when i am lost, will He find me again? and again, and again.

i'd like to say i have this happy christian story of triumph. of wholeness. of certainty. but i just don't. it's never been that way. and these days of darkness are farther apart, but they are there.

there is one poem i wrote that i'll share, it is for those friends of mine who truly are friends indeed. who have stayed through my darkness and not been afraid. i do not have words to thank them. only a few poems. for whatever that's worth.

gentle me


there are those
who see beyond
externals
and hear
between the lines
who can see
beyond the
_____veil
of words
and understand

those who talk
me down
from the
emotional
twelfth floor
where i sway
_____and swagger
in the swirl
_____of confusion

there are those
_____whose gentle
presence persists
when i bid
_____them go away

those who
_____follow
when i attempt
_____to disqualify
________myself
from the Promise

those who
speak truth
_____and gentle me
when i abraham
_____hold the knife
over my breast

there are those
who know
the darkness
i have fought
_____against
all my life

and those whose
_____light
can be seen in
_____their eyes

4 comments:

relevantgirl said...

Loved the poem, friend. I hope I can be that kind of friend to folks here in France, because there are a lot of dark days and dark moods here. Pray i'd be that light of a friend.

Deborah said...

Beautiful poem. So is the one you left for JMB over at MA.

TS said...

Suz,

I'm with you -- last night was a dark night for me. No good reason, just dark like all the joy of Christ had left me...lightless.

If there be blessings,
Marvin

siouxsiepoet said...

qa dear friend writes me this:

You have a way of making even the darkness come to light. Thank you for being brave enough to share these and bold enough to write them.
Jeff

and my sister writes me this:
Amen sistah!! Sadly, I am right there with you. Loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

and to all of you who willingly admit darkness falls on us all at times, i thank you.