Thursday, September 08, 2005

consumer

i've been on the recieving end of some "without works, faith is dead" comments lately. and i sit here after having labored all day for my family (i can always do more, with a better attitude, but that goes without saying), gone to a meeting where i am in leadership for an organization for my daughter, and then i can look forward to sunday hearing how i am consuming.

while it is not my intention to lay out all i do for you to see. it is my hope that you will remember the hidden things. we all have them. we all do them. God sees them and knows.

i am tired tonight. i've been tired for a while. every time i try to engage in church i get the feeling i'm not living up to somebody's expectations of me. i'm not quite the person they want me to, or think i "should" be. and that troubles me.

they don't ever come out and say, why aren't you serving in the church? no, they just lace sermons and conversation with references to these issues.

i like the direct approach, incase you haven't noticed. and i await the direct approach. unless you ask me specifically, why aren't you serving in the church, i won't answer that question. i won't get defensive. but i will get tired of hearing veiled comments and feeling pressured to use my influence on my husband (which is why women are talked to about such things right, to get them to play puppet master with their husbands?). i cut those strings long ago. i'm not going back down to that bondage again. if you have a question or want some action from my husband, you had better ask him directly. i am no conveyor of secret messages. no prompter of good works (that is someOne else's job).

the king's heart is in the hand of the Lord and He directs it where He will. not me. not the kind people at church. i have stopped ruling our home and if i am to sit beside my husband and do nothing, so be it. i will do it unto the Lord.

i'm just tired of feeling like i'm not being a good christian. when it comes down to it, none of us would be good christians if it weren't for the grace and mercy of the Lord. so if you are challenging me to be a better christian, it had better be under the unction of the Holy Spirit, because if not, it is just a load of guilt. and i don't go on those trips anymore.

1 comment:

TS said...

Suz,

I have been getting the same type of looks recently, because I have consciously backed off many of the jobs I used to do, and 'writing' is such a non-event to most Christians. They do not understand. Which is why as writers we have to uphold each other. Your gift is to write, and be a mother to your family